Showing posts with label Food Network. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Food Network. Show all posts

7/13/09

FTW: The Barefoot Contessa.

It began, as some many of these addictions do, ever so innocently. When I was in high school and my mother had fallen into the mad grips of redecorating, our family's television was almost exclusively tuned to the Home and Garden Network aka HGTV. My mother, during her summer breaks from teaching, found countless hours of programming that let her vicariously live through the people who filtered through the various programs on the show. And at the time with just one television to the house, I was held hostage by these programs.

There were the endless crafting shows in the morning that told you all about how to make your own stained glass or how to turn that leftover hat box, which do people still have leftover hat boxes, into something to store dishes or cookies or secret stash of booze. That gave way into the "low rent" decorating shows like Room By Room, hosted by a pair of designers that to this day my mother and I don't know if they were married to each other or not, where no window was spared the embarrassment of having some tacky valance placed upon it. And there was Decorating Cents where, like most of the decorating programs, if the room had colorful walls, they had to be painted in more natural colors and vice versa. HGTV is a network of "Why leave it when you can merely do the opposite." The evening gave way to the upscale, wish fulfillment type of decorating shows as well as the endless parades of Antique Roadshow knock-offs, generations of families heirlooms all being hocked so people could afford granite countertops.

It was about the time I went off to college, when the real estate market hadn't completely been vanquished, that HGTV made the transition to be all about house buying and selling, almost all day long with House Hunters and its illegitimate off-spring clogging the airways. It was then my mother moved her allegiance from HGTV to its sister station the Food Network, which in its own culinary way, offered the same sort of escapism, namely in the form of Ina Garten and her program The Barefoot Contessa.


I watched the program with my mother a few times and sort of became fascinated with the plump Ina, a mass of contradictions. She's gleefully elitist and snobby in her own way with her East Hamptons home, her band of mini-Oscar Wildes including a silver fox known simply as "TR," and her repeated insistence on using "good" vanilla in her distinctly East Coast posh accent. Yet beneath the veneer upper-crusty distance, Ina is infinitely approachable in her food and style and doesn't suffer from the same sort of "Who in God's name would go out of their way to do that" that Martha Stewart, the touchstone of "Nobody in real life has the time for that" way of being as a program.


The truly refreshing thing about Ina Garten is her lack of presence on the Food Network. Undoubtedly she's a popular figure but you wouldn't necessarily know that because her appearances outside of the program are very limited unlike some of her counterparts. In truth, the Food Network is absolutely littered with alleged chefs and cooks with multiple programs, stretching themselves thin. Rachael Ray became the poster girl of ubiquitous with 30 Minute Meals, 40 Dollars a Day, and Rachael Ray's Vacations all airing plus holiday specials AND the launching of her own syndicated talk shows. She was everywhere from the shelves in the housewares department to Dunkin' Donuts. And Ina also lacked the "food porn" label repeatedly slapped on Everyday Italian hostess Giada De Laurentiis whose cleavage was just, if not more, important than the meals she made. And while I have a deep fascination with Sandra Lee, Ina makes food I'd actually eat in a non-"I have to try it to see how screwy the flavor combination actually is" sort of way.


So approachable if occasionally highbrow hostess with beyond delicious food delivered in a calm and relaxing manner? In the words often utter by Ms. Garten, how bad can that be?


Below, a clip from Barefoot Contessa:

1/22/08

Look! At Me! I'm Sandra Lee!: An Ode to Semi-Homemade Cooking

"My Buddha, she's faux."

"France is the city of lights."

"Set your food processor to pulse and walk away."

Outtakes from Hey Paula? Nope. Corky dialogue from Life Goes On? Oooh, so close. The drunken ramblings of woman who inexplicably has a cooking show based around half-assing everything but the table decorations? Ah, that's the one.

There are few things that I enjoy more than trainwreck television and every day one Sandra Lee and her "cooking" program Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee does everything within its shaking hands--Is, it cocktail time? Cocktail time is the best time of the day! Mama needs her liquor--to fulfill my expectations.

The premise of the show is based on Sandra Lee's equation of 70 percent store bought ready-made such as Pillsbury whack-a-dough, sodium-infused seasoning packets, pumpkin pie spice, the dehydrated soul of Julia Child. Then there is 30 percent fresh ingredients like, um, apples and vodka and tarragon and more vodka and occasionally ground turkey. But mainly vodka.

I vaguely recall my very first episode of Sandra Lee. She was making an Asian-inspired meal that somehow included tortillas. But given some of the over-the-top offensive abuse of food she has done in the intervening years, tortillas is Asian cooking isn't that bad. Hell, she once made "breakfast crepes" but used tortillas as the crepes. Any drunk person that has ended up at a gas station at 3 in the morning knows that that is a breakfast burrito. But that's our Sandy, so many cultures to offend, so little time. Indian, Greek, Southern, Martian, all sorts of cultures have been misappropriated for the sake of Sandra and her blessed cooking show for people who like to have things catered anyway.

There are so many classic episodes of Semi-Homemade Cooking so I'm going to try to limit my number to a few of my all-time favorites:

Coming in at number 4:
2-26 "Halloween"--Sandra Lee makes a big unholy deal about making a layered dip so it can make a nice display. She then promptly places the dip inside of a bucket, therefore canceling out her reasoning for said layered dip because God knows it's not for the taste.

According to an interview on WGN, Sandra thinks of presentation first, then smell and then taste. Even going by Sandra's skewed way of thinking, she sucks.

This episode also includes a truly bizarre moment where her now ex-husband, lovingly referred to as "The Wallet" on Televisionwithoutpity, "calls" her wanting to know where his trail mix was. No, I'm not making this up. Seriously. I'm not. Fine, don't believe me.

Moving on to number 3:
6-5 "Anniversary Lounge"--Sandy prepares an anniversary dinner for her friend Colleen, pronounced "Clean" apparently by Sandra's mumbled way of speaking, and her husband Bill. Sandra, in a wonderful moment bitter divorcee bitchiness, says to the camera, "Now normally I'd make something fancy, like a fancy cake, but this is for Colleen and she loves cookies and this is all about her, that stupid white trash bitch with her fidelity and husband and not dying alone." Okay. Admittedly the last part was added by me. But you watch the episode and you'll totally see that subtext trying to break through the Botox mask Sandra Lee calls a face.

Number 2:
4-12 "Picnic"--A clearly hoarse sounding Sandra Lee greets us in a park to make a romantic dinner, allegedly. If you watch no other part of the episode, fast forward to the last minute where Sandra Lee has apparently had her Semi-Homemade Sherpas drag out the Ethan Allen showroom in the middle of the park. And hangs a chandelier for a tree. Let me repeat that, kids. She hangs a chandelier she had laying around in her garage in a tree in park. And then advises us to tear pages out of books and burn them. For decoration. How Fahrenheit 451 of you Sandra.

And the number one episode of Sandra Lee you must watch:
Sandra Lee's Semi-Homemade Holiday Special!: An hour of Sandra Lee and family making painfully awkward conversation, Sandra implying Collen is an alcoholic, meringues being made to look like "baby dreidels," roast dinner with no side dishes, white chocolate galore, heavy cream and half-and-half coming from the same carton, "integrity of the hole," and of course several beverages being made which no child at the festivities can actually drink.

But in all seriousness, I don't know what I'll do when Sandra Lee eventually is gone from Food Network. I hate Rachael Ray and her banshee laugh and horrendous orange cabinets. Paula Deen gives me diabetes just from watching her. I can't get past how that Healthy Appetite woman looks like Elyse from Top Model. Sandra Lee is just such perfect, 23 minutes of insanity that not even Robin Miller and her Skeletor frame can quite compete with it.

So, in the words of dear Sandra Lee, remember to always keep it smart, keep it simple, and always keep it Semi-Ho.


But you do that anyway don't you?


P.S. a snippet so you'll believe me, from her Sunset Clambake episode: