Here at the Majak Mixtape, we were wondering if anybody remembers that time when Bravo used to air operas and non-stop marathons of Inside the Actors Studio? Nope, neither do we. Bravo is now the home of a whole host of reality TV programming from Thintervention to Top Chef to The Rachel Zoe Starvation Project and Flipping Out. But out of this trashtastic roster, our personal fave will always be the Real Housewives franchise. Existing to make the characters from Sex and the City seem grounded and unmaterialistic in comparison, the women in the various variations spend their time shopping with money that don't really have, decorating homes they can't afford, and hosting dinner parties for people they really couldn't give a flying Fendi about. Tis the magic of scripted reality. And invariably, one of the women gets the bright idea to start a recording career so today we honor these vocally dubious hot messes with their own mixtape because if we didn't, they were going to flip a table on us.
Up first, the most recent addition to the rogues gallery of singing b.s., Danielle Staub and her would-be girlfriend Lori Michaels "singing" their "song" "Real Close" in a remixed form and proving that their is a way to be less dignified than releasing your own sextape.
Oh Danielle, where to begin? Your gay guido back-up dancers plus the one Black one who clearly is waiting for a drag ball? The fact that both you and your singing partner are winded just at the mere thought of having to sing live? The idea that you probably stiffed somebody at a mall to get those Danielle's Mafia t-shirts bedazzled? So much hilarity, so little time. And patience.
Next up, we go back to the mothership of the franchise, Orange County, and dig up Jo and her "tune" "U Can't Control Me"
Jo was on the first two seasons of Orange County and left right before the franchise exploded into the cultural mainstream. She limped along into a horrible reality dating show called Date My Ex with her slimey ex-partner Slade. Now Jo's disappeared into completely irrelevancy but we honor her with a place on our Mixtape and hope when she's on break from the Orange Julius she's working at, she sees this and smiles.
Lastly, we have our personal favorite that has come out of the Housewives franchise from our favorite city, we have the Countess Luann and her song "Money Can't Buy You Class"
Looking like the best Herbal Essence ad with the worst jingle, Countess Luann details all the ways to be classy. It's like an Emily Post book put through Autotune. And it's an amazing thing when you sound out of tune while using Autotune. That is indeed a great accomplishment. We love this song simply because it exists so that somebody will have to lipsync for their life to it on RuPaul's Drag Race. You know that's true.
Kim from Real Housewives approves of this list, don't you peach?
Bonus, Kandi from Real Housewives of Atlanta and her new, actually decent tune "Leave You."