There are many things that Sandra Lee has done to delight us over the years: her hair extensions, her tablescapes, her jubiliance over cocktail time. But nothing ever quite matches the sheer mix of shock, awe, and hilarity as when Ms. Lee gets into the kitchen and whips up desserts for her usually imaginary guests. She has done so many truly WTF things that we couldn't even contain them in just one dessert post but instead had to split this section into two so enjoy Part One today!
First up Sandra Lee makes carrot coconut muffins with honey butter.
On the Sandra Lee scale of cooking/baking craziness, this is fairly inoffensive for her. Yes, she makes muffins using a boxed mix "dolled up" with baby food and fruit juice. We pretty much added this video simply for Ms. Lee's sage piece of advice that comes towards the end, where she asserts if you wanted to get vegetables into kids you could do this recipe with zucchini, neatly sidestepping the basic fake that carrots are a veggie. Also, we do love that Sandra Lee's love of alcohol extends to the point that she would be delighted to serve honey butter in a cocktail glass.
Next up, Sandra Lee makes Lemon Cream Bars
The recipe itself isn't that offensive to the taste buds. What we love is that not only is Sandra Lee semi-homemade, so is her audio because the voiceover that starts at 1:35 is hilarious simply because we, as always, wonder what the hell this show is covering up. We maintain it's probably Sandra screaming to some poor stagehand off camera that her morning mimosa buzz is wearing off.
Next up, Sandra Lee makes "Baked Potato Ice Cream" which sadly isn't nearly as awful as the title would lead you to think.
This is one of the things that we absolutely love about Sandra Lee, her piss poor time management skills and the areas she always deems more worthy of her attention. She doesn't have time to make rice from scratch but as all the time in the fucking world to shape ice cream into potatos and decorate her kitchen to match her theme and discover apparently the SOLE use of a butter dish which is to press canned lemon icing into it to make faux butter. We love that, until this recipe came along, Sandra probably sipped grain alcohol in her decorated kitchen, glaring at her fridge, deeply pondering, "What AM I going to do with the top of my butter dish." Also, Reddi Whip in a can is "fancy." Some many things to learn about the world.
Next up, Sandra Lee makes Banana Pudding Bites
One of the most wonderfully consistent things about Sandra is her ability to shuffle the blame of her beyond basic recipes off of onto somebody else, i.e. her niece Miss Stephanie who just adooooooooores waffer cookies.
Also, there is probably a landfill dedicated just to the Sandra Lee's totally unnecessary abuse of Ziplock bags to pipe such decadent things as sugar free pudding onto vanilla waffer cookies because why would you put the pudding first at all, because bananas aren't completely asking to fall off onto your fucking precious tablescape because they have no sort of "glue" to adhere to the stale vanilla waffer.
Next up, Sandra Lee makes Blackberry Cobbler
Mmmm, thawed frozen blackberries, tapioca pudding, bottled lemon juice, cream soda in ramekins topped with store bought butter biscuit topping. With so many great ingredients, it's a bit shocking that the end result ends up looking like clotted menses in a cup.
Lastly, Sandra Lee makes Very Berry Cream Cups
This episode gave birth to one of Sandra Lee's many popular nicknames on that great bastion of television snark, Television Without Pity, as posters routinely referred to Sandra Lee from this episode out as "Pudding Cups."
This whole thing encapsulates everything wild and wonderful about Sandra Lee that we love. A) Ridiculous theme of her attending her nephew's softball game and therefore she naturally decides to grill and make desserts in the middle of the outfield
B) the clear hatred of the hair and makeup department as the use a Taylor Momsen approved amount of eyeliner on Sandra
C) Sandra Lee manages to fuck up the most basic of desserts by dumping way too much Cool Whip on those glorified contraceptive sponges.
When asked if he wanted some of the dessert, we assume her nephew said:
Feel free to say HELL YES as to another edition of Look at Me, I'm Sandra Lee when we take on Sandra's cake decorating skills.