We here at the Majak Mixtape have a theory that every second of every minute of every hour of every day there is somebody, somewhere in the vast universe, watching an episode of Law and Order. We sure as hell know we watch more than our own fair share of the various franchises from the wonderful mothership to wonderfully campy Law and Order:SVU where Chris Meloni's muscles fight for camera time against Mariska Hargitay's thick coating of lip gloss for camera time to Criminal Intent where the camera operators spent years trying to get spastic Vincent D'onofrio to stay within a shot. We loved the franchise so much that we even watched the lesser version like Law and Order: Trial By Jury and the truly abysmal Convictions.
And frankly, whenever some big news story happens, one of our initial reactions is always, "I can't wait until Law and Order does an episode ripping this off." Our second reaction is usually, "Can't wait for the Kathy Griffin routine about this!"
So when we picked up the La Crosse Tribune this week and saw a story about a former assistant Hennepin County attorney John Paul St. Marie (a name like that means you're either going to be a pimp or a hairdresser, let's be honest folks) who was recently disbarred after allegedly being king P.I.M.P. of a prostitution ring, we were totally excited. The whole attorney running a prostitution-whore ring makes it worthy of a mixtape, we think, but once we continued reading and found out that what allegedly made this a special prostitution ring was that St. Marie claimed his tricks were "nice guy" customers, any doubts immediately left us as we had the following reaction:
Our thoughts exactly Blair Waldorf.
So in honor of this high cotton b.s., we're ending the week with our ode to bad boys, bad girls and the people who like to pay for them in our "Pretty Mixtape Blogging Down the Street" mix.
Julia Roberts, Richard Gere and that gerbil up his butt all hope you continue reading. (Totally kidding! But continue reading)
First up, you can't have a mixtape about hookers without the ultimate ode to the world's oldest profession, "Lady Marmalade"
Labelle in their prime were one of the best and, in retrospect, most underrated girl groups. They snatched David Bowie's aesthetic and had a shotgun wedding with soulful vocals to create their own brand of pop music. We always enjoy original flavor Patti Labelle when she had the backing vocals of Sarah Dash and Nona Hendryx. Also she still had the nose that God gave her.
Speaking of people we enjoyed with their original noses, we might as well link to Lil Kim, Mya, Pink, and Christina Aguilera's version.
It's sort of sad to look at this video and realize the career failures to happen to almost everybody involved with this. Mya is reduced to releasing albums in Japan, Lil Kim is continuing to look more and more like cheekbones with legs instead of an actual human being, and Christina Aguilera's album is collecting dust at stores across America.
Bonus: A number from Aguilera's soon-to-be-camp-classic Burlesque
Girl, we still love you deep down. But Catherine Zeta-Jones in Chicago you are not.
Next up, Nick Gilder's one big hit "Hot Child in the City"
Oh 1970s AM radio stations. Only then could a cheerful sounding tune about child prostitution make it to the top.
Next up, we toot toot, beep beep with Donna Summer and her "Bad Girls"
No wonder she left her cake out in the rain in "MacArthur Park." She was too busy "working hard for the money" saying "love to love you baby" to tricks with the rest of her Bad Girls. God bless you and your hormonally charged songbook for letting that pun-tastic joke to happen.
And lastly, for all of our male hookers, which we have found out from our blogger statistics is one of our core readerships, "Just a Gigolo" as done by the spaz-tastic David Lee Roth.
Oh David Lee Roth, at this point being a hooker would be a dignified upswing in your career prospects wouldn't it?
And with that bid you farewell until Monday. As always, we wish you love, peace and downloads! Hope your weekend is: