Welcome to Yule Blog, the Majak Kingdom's special feature taking on all things about the holidays. The past three weeks we've taken on teen pop Christmas tunes, the hip hop community's attempts to honor the season and we decked the halls with balls of fierceness as we had a big gay Christmas celebration.
Oh the holiday season,
We here at the Majak Kingdom function under the chief belief that there is no better way to honor the divine birth of Our Lord and Savior than getting drunk on vodka and gorging on hors d'oeuvres all while dressed in an ugly sweater. Tis the magic of the holiday season where, in between celebrating the birth of Jesus, we also celebrate the death of any attempts at dieting, sobriety or chastity as we dash from one holiday function to the next all across the region with not the thoughts of sugar plum fairies dancing in our head but the fizz of champagne.
So being the fine guests we are, we want to help you host and hostesses out there throw the most flawless, stunning, amazing, more yuletide than your favorite's, kind of a holiday party with our own tips, tricks and rules for both surviving throwing the party as well as attending all of those various work, family and friend functions that can be just a minefield.
We, of course, are not going to do this alone and have sought at help from a bevy of fabulous women who are the hostesses with mostest. Roll up your sleeves and let's get to work.
First we turn to the queen of Semi-Hos, the woman who continues to inexplicably be able to a host cooking show without having the faintest clue how to do anything other than make ugly tablescapes, she is our patron saint of trainwreck television. She is THE Sandra Lee and who else better to kick off this guide to crafting the perfect holiday party than Sandra, especially since she devoted a whole a episode of her program to making the best holiday function EVAH filled with booze and a ridiculously high number of nutcrackers. Because why the fuck not.
We used to think that being the crazy cat lady would be the worse fate for a woman. We quickly re-evaluated this the moment, years ago, when we saw Sandra Lee excitedly showed off her collection of nutcrackers that she has collected over the years.
There is just so many things horrendously off-kilter about this episode that we have the sneaking suspicion that at this point of Sandra Lee's career she had actively decided to fuck with the foodie section of Food Network watchers who happened onto her show. How else do you explain her steadfast belief in half-assing almost all things related to the preparation of main and side dishes which seems to be done JUST for her to take hours upon hours to make tacky-ass Santa sleigh favors to give out to her guests who are busily hiding food in napkins and trying not to get shitface on cocktails that have the totally responsible booze to mixer ratio of ONE to ZERO.
And if you don't think she's just trying to fuck with people, how else do you explain the magic of her cocktail tree? Only Sandra Lee, God bless her, would actually hang barware from a tree and top the tree with not a star but with a cocktail. We think the chief reason why she hung all the barware on the tree is that it gives Ms. Lee a better excuse to mix drinks directly out of the bottle and into her mouth. ONE LESS GLASS TO CLEAN. And only Sandra Lee would call her table, a table that looks like Santa's Village puked upon it, as simple. God, we love this woman so much that so far, the best gift we've received this holiday season was from our friend Emily who gave us Sandra Lee's memoir. A memoir she had the fresh nerve to title, of all things in the world, "Made From Scratch." That's some quality in-real-life trolling.
Bonus, the meeting of two divas: Sandra Lee on "The Wendy Williams Show."
We're severely disappointed that Sandra Lee didn't trot out this gem of a recipe. Behold, the magic that is Sandra Lee's Kwanzaa Cake:
Canned icing + apple pie filling + "acorns" aka corn nuts + pumpkin seeds + cinnamon + cocoa=a celebration for African-American pride. We're sure the NAACP can't wait to put that in their next cookbook.
Bonus to the bonus, Sandra Lee offends yet another group by putting together an angel food cake for Hanukkah Cake:
Nothing says HAPPY JEWISH HOLY HOLIDAY like stuffing an angel food cake with completely un-kosher marshmallows. This makes us excited what the hell Sandra Lee would make for Yom Kippur.
Sandra Lee isn't the only Food Network personality who makes desserts of dubious qualities. Below, behold Paula Deen deepfrying cheesecake.
You know, we love you Paula Deen because you've never met a food that you thought was fattening enough on its own, and we sort of adore that total and complete commitment to gluttony that brings to the viewing public such magical things as deep fried cheesecake and the now world infamous breakfast sandwich consisting of Krispy Kreme donuts and fried eggs and bacon........and we'd finish the rest but are arteries just collapsed.
Here is another great recipe from Paula Deen for your holiday parties: Lasagna Sandwich
We briefly pause here to talk about our first rule of the holiday party season: What happens under the mistletoe, stays under the mistletoe.
It's a notorious thing that happens, particularly at work holiday parties. People get a little tipsy on the egg nog and find themselves getting their makeout action underneath the mistletoe. Ladies and gentlemen just because that guy/girl made out with you that one late night, this doesn't mean that you are on the verge of the start of some great romance. You ain't Pam nor Jim.
Speaking of "The Office," we suggest all holiday parties incorporate the magic of karaoke into your holiday festivities.
Rule Number Two: Never compliment somebody on their dead-on, ugly sweater unless you have confirmation from at least TWO reliable people that you are in fact attending an ugly sweater party. This will save you a hard slap across the face.
Next up, the most fabulous homemaker Brini Maxwell helps Christmas better. With balls. Of course.
We loved Brini Maxwell, as fabulously played by actor Ben Sander, who is a hilarious riff on the classic, stereotypical housewife. Maxwell briefly crossed over to the mainstream, well basic cable, with a two season run on the Style Network.
Really, Brini Maxwell is the more feminine, stylish, capable version of Sandra Lee. Below, Brini Maxwell does her own version of "Baby, It's Cold Outside."
Darren Criss as Harry Potter approves of this.
And Rule Number Three: Don't be a dick and buy a present that goes over the budget for the group gift exchange to prove you got some bank because:
And with this, we end today's Yule Blog guide to holiday parties. Check back tomorrow when we take on basic bitches and their Christmas tunes.
Flop you later!