O come all ye Majak Kingdom faithful for yet another stunning, flawless, amazing, sleigh riding better than YOUR FAVORITE edition of the "Yule Blog," our celebration of all things holidays. We took you back to high school/junior high with Christmas music from the likes of NSYNC, Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears in our teen pop "Egg Nog Me One More Time," proving that you can EuroDance pop for the Baby Jesus. The following week we took it the ~streets~ with a mix of hip hop tunes from the likes of Run DMC, Kurtis Blow and TLC in our mix "Ho Ho Hos in Different Area Codes" because the "Three Wise Men" desperately needs to be a name of a fly ass rap group.
This week we're taking you to the gay bar!
That's right lovelies. Come to the gay bar this holiday season where Santa Claus has six-pack abs and a spray tan, "Jingle Bells" has a house beat underneath it, the carolers have donned their best Express apparel while singing "It Came Upon the Midnight Queer" and Rudolph's nose is so red from the rampant misuse of poppers.
Politically incorrect stereotypes aside, we thought it'd be a glorious idea to celebrate a big gay Christmas, especially with the gay community being all up in the headlines the past few weeks with the House of Representatives recently voting to repeal the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy that prohibits gays and lesbians from serving openly in the armed services while over in the "Glee"-verse you had Blaine and Kurt singing "Baby, It's Cold Outside" with each other. And if that wasn't enough to plant a rainbow flag at the North Pole, you had the whole John Travola-is-maybe-gay scandal getting a whole other, well we'd normally say second wind but this has been going on for seemingly forever, life as actress Carrie Fisher pretty much outs him in an interview, shamefully not in "Out," with "The Advocate." Just for that, we heard that John Travolta is going to make Fisher atone by sitting through multiple screenings of "Battefield Earth."
And keeping with this week's theme of male celebs and the questioning of their sexual preferences, "American Beauty" actor Kevin Spacey sat down to be interviewed about his film "Casino Jack" and somehow found himself being asked about his sexual orientation by a Daily Beast reporter who actually asked Spacey, "We gay men have always proudly claimed you as a member of our tribe, and yet you don't proudly claim us back. Why?"
If Spacey or Travolta are gay and ever do decide to come out the closet in a big ole spread in "Out," we lead off the Yule Blog with the perfect tune for the matter by way of London'Gay Men's Chorus:
We love a good gay men's chorus. Hell, we love a bad gay men's chorus. We think it stems from our first introduction to the very idea of them from "Will and Grace."
There is something so ungodly earnest about them. And while we generally like to stomp out the flames of earnestness right quick, you sort of have to adore these men with their untied bowties and wide spectrum of body types. Like this concert would be the end of one of those feel-good holiday films they always like to trot about a ragtag group of folks OVERCOMING THE ODDS and LEARNING TO LOVE THEMSELVES and whatnot. Sugary schlock of the highest order that we could not care less of a shit about. Unless it involves partial nudity. And singing.
Next up, current gay icon du jour Lady GaGa hangs some mistletoe from her discostick and busts out a holiday tune with "Christmas Tree."
Oh pre-meat dress Lady GaGa, where are you? It's not that we don't appreciate your ability to look batshit crazy at all times. We sort of admire your commitment to keeping the whole Lady GaGa shtick going 24/7 like some really time consuming version of performance art. Nothing wrong with that. And we adored "The Fame Monster" and are happy that you've got some Grammy nominations for that. Hell, we've learned the choreography from "Bad Romance" and have routinely busted it out downtown BECAUSE WE ARE TOTALLY THAT GUY.
We just miss the sense of fun you used to have, when you were just getting your footing in the pop world and had to take gigs like guest starring on "The Hills" as a way to get your "The Fame" album out among the masses. How we've gone from silly songs like "Christmas Tree" and videos of your twirling a disco ball to the back-to-back hot messes that were "Telephone" and "Alejandro" we will never know. Somebody probably made the, in retrospect, grievous mistake of referring to you as an "artist," and you decided to run with it with your gaggle of Nazi-ish back-up dancers with Three Stooges haircuts. We still are highly anticipating your upcoming album "Born This Way," even if the amount of hype that you and Elton John among others have given it is ridiculous with you allegedly writing THE new gay anthem.
She'll have to come hard to dethrone Cazwell in our book.
COMMERCIAL BREAK: Below Rufus Wainwright sings/mumbles adorably to the tune of "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve" for an old Gap commercial.
Next up, it's a diva-off as we compare Madonna's and Kylie Minogue's version of the great gold digger of a tune "Santa Baby."
First up Kylie Minogue, wearing the skinned fur of a Yettie, performs the tune at Rockefeller Center.
And here is Madonna's version from 1990.
When it comes to decide between Madonna and Kylie, it's like the pop cultural version of "Sophie's Choice." We'll give this round to Ms. Minogue since Madonna has got some weird New York accent of undetermined borough happening in her take.
Bonus, our favorite YouTube comedienne of late Noel Kristi takes on the tune with her parody "Obama Baby."
Lastly we end this edition of the Yule Blog with the one, the only, the RuPaul.
Long before RuPaul was the fiercest person in reality TV competition history with her hit Logo series "RuPaul's Drag Race," RuPaul was the host of a popular VH-1 talk show that we simply adored as a kid back in the 1990s. And like any good show worth it's weight in wigs, weaves and false eyelashes, RuPaul and company put together a splendid Christmas special to help promote Ru's Christmas album titled "Ho, Ho, Ho" and with such family friendly tunes as "I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus" and the below tune, a hilarious reworking of the holiday class "All I Want For Christmas."
Nothing says "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS" quite like a stripper pole. And with that, we end today's edition of Yule Blog.
Be sure to check back on Monday when we roll out a whole week's worth of Yule Blog posts to help get you through the holidays. Monday we help you through a magical holiday party with the aid of our favorite Food Network personality Sandra Lee.
It should be a Ho Ho Horrible mess. See you then!