What is the what what everybody! If you are presently reading this, we can only assume that you've managed to not get yourself buried alive under a snow bank and/or die of some horrible frostbite to the ungodly chilly temperatures that have been whipping their way through the region. Well as they say, what doesn't kill you makes you reach for a hot toddy.
The weather isn't the only thing that has gone chilly this week. While this is allegedly the season of tidings and good cheer, this is also the time of heartbreak, bruised egos and the dividing of assets. The weeks leading up to Christmas is a notoriously popular time for people to break up because a) they want to begin the New Year with a completely clean slate so they can make out with strangers at bars without a guilty conscience and b) people, even in the best of financial positions, don't want to run up their credit card bill buying presents for some jerkwad they are going to dump and find some lords-a-leaping. We're not really all that surprised because any time period that is so focused on enthusiasm and optimism is probably to provoke an equal yet opposite reaction from the whole of humanity.
Hollywood seems to be following this trend to the T as this week has been a rush of announcements of various celebrity bust-ups. Seriously, the only thing happening at a higher rate at this point are teen girls getting knocked up in order to try to land on MTV.
(Which sidenote. We don't understand how anybody is the least bit surprised at the possibility of this actually becoming some sort of phenom with some teens trying to get knocked up just to be on MTV. I mean, these girls are gracing the covers of tabloids on a weekly basis, shoving off actual celebs to do this, and attending red carpet events all because they and their boyfriends didn't know how to use birth control. We live in a society where fame is no longer the spoils of doing some noteworthy but the noteworthy thing itself. Blah blah blah college research paper blah blah blah cakes, back to the bitchery)
Some break-ups have been shocking (ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds) while others were more of the we-had-to-Wikipedia-who-the-hell-they-are (Dylan Walsh from Nip/Tuck and his wife splitting, most likely because she could no longer handle the awesome 90210-ness of his name). No matter, break-ups are very in this holiday season in particular. They are like a more dignified version of the leggings-as-pants trend.
First up, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens of "High School Musical" fame decided to split up after some two years of dating each other. We don't really have strong opinions about either one of them other than the trailer for Efron's flop-tastic film "Charlie St. Cloud" was one of the more hilarious things we've ever sat through in our lives.
The earnestness, the fact that somehow this isn't a Nicholas Sparks adaptation, the fact that Kim Bassinger's career has really come down to just playing people's mothers, Efron's tousled hair of grief and strife, the precociousness of the child actor playing the ghost brother and the ridiculousness of lines like "Trust your heart Charlie St. Cloud" all conspire together to make a camp classic of a trailer.
Vanessa Hudgens, for her part, is so basic to the point that she could have nude photos leaked onto the Internet back during the height of the "High School Musical" craze and it make not nearly as much noise as Miley Cyrus getting high and talking about her ex-boyfriend or Demi Lovato getting all punchy on some dancer. Plus, having a history of being a spokeswoman for Sears screams of Keri Hilson levels of basic.
The worse part of this whole break-up is the idea that the news of it hit the tabloids the day before Hudgens' birthday. Nothing says HAPPY BIRTHDAY quite like seeing your split on every gossip blog. So just in case you're Googling yourself like we do every moment of our existence and stumble into our blog, here is a belated birthday tune for you Ms. Hudgens.
Next up, "Dexter" star Michael C. Hall and his wife/co-star Jennifer Carpenter announced they were splitting up. We're not terribly surprised at this break-up simply because of the stress that can come from working with your spouse day in/day out while also having to go through the stress of Hall's recent successful battle with Hodgkin's lymphoma. And if that wasn't enough, we're sure that Carpenter probably tired of watching reruns of the pretentious-a-thon that was "Six Feet Under."
That's right. WE SAID. We never liked that show that seemed so ungodly smug with its own brilliance half the time.
But it also gave us these moments the other half of the time:
Anyway, for the Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter break-up and their work on the murderous "Dexter," we naturally decided to use Charlotte Sometimes' "How I Could Just Kill a Man."
(Sidenote: Somebody needs to tell "Dexter" guest star Julia Stiles to fire her management for allowing her to star in those truly abysmal Stoli vodka commercials.
Lastly we tackle the Ryan Reynolds and the Scarlett Johansson split that has pretty much thrown a lot of people in Hollywood for a loop for some reason. We've adored Ryan Reynolds ever since his early days when he was appearing on the best teen soap opera ever to be put on Nickelodeon: "Fifteen."
Then there was his stint on the ABC comedy "Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place," a show whose name made "That '70s Show" seem wildly imaginative in comparison.
We first got to know of Scarlett Johansson when she was the cinematic equivalent of Jane Lane to Thoira Birch's Daria in the awesome film "Ghost World."
And then the world lost its metaphorical shit when ScarJo teamed up with Bill Murray in "Lost in Translation."
We like to think that ScarJo and Zooey Deschanel are locked in some secret competition to see who can have the most blase and flat line delivery. We'll give the edge to Deschanel at this point.
And not unlike her sister in hipsterdom Ms. Deschanel, ScarJo teamed up with a musician to make a record of 1960s sounding pop music which brings us to our choice for the ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds break-up with her song with Pete Yorn titled "Relator" off their album, appropriately titled, "Break Up."
Bonus, Joseph Gordon Levitt and Zooey Deschanel out-cute-ing your favorites
And there you have it. We hope you have a great Thirsty Thursday and wish you love, peace and downloads. Bring on the dancers!