Happy Friday! Before we get started, let us give out a big
Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, preparing for the end of the world more fiercely than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when its flight is delayed. Today, we're tackling the strange phenom of dead birds dropping to the ground faster than contestants on "The Biggest Loser" on a one mile hike. But before we get to that clusterfuck of doom if you believe everybody who posts comments on Yahoo! stories, which why wouldn't you believe said people, let us take a momentary break from getting the survival kit together and digging a hole for a bunker and do what we do best:
First up, in one of the greatest moments of "GO ON GIRL" since Bernadine set fire to her cheating husband's clothes in "Waiting to Exhale," Elizabeth Edwards got one final dig from beyond the grave at her notorious cheating husband John Edwards. For those of you who don't remember, John Edwards ran with Franken-candidate John Kerry for the White House back in 2004 and then made another bid for the Oval Office brass ring in during the 2007 primary season. During that bid, Edwards found himself lost in the shuffle as everybody was either Team!Clinton or Team!Obama but briefly found himself capturing the spotlight again when it was revealed that his wife Elizabeth Edwards was battling cancer again but that he would continue on with the campaign with her blessing.
Before the SIDE EYE could fully hit the fan on that whole thing, it came out that John Edwards had had an affair on his wife with a woman named Reille Hunter, a filmmaker who had been hired to film webisodes of Edwards on the campaign trail. COMMENCE WITH THE MEDIA FIRESTORM.
Somewhere tabloids suddenly believe in the Holy Spirit as only an act of God could come up with something as delicious of a campaign story as this as every day more and more tidbits came out, ending with John Edwards denying and then eventually having to own the fact that he had fathered a child after taking a DNA test.
Our politics really do need more crossovers with the Maury show. I mean, we're sure Edwards already had a response if it was proven he wasn't the baby's daddy:
Elizabeth Edwards recently passed away, and it's been revealed that she gave John one big middle finger from the grave. According to a report from ABC, Elizabeth Edwards has left all of her estate and possessions to her three kids.
AND NONE FOR JOHN EDWARDS. You may have gotten on our nerves throughout that whole Oprah episode where you refused to call Rielle Hunter by her name and seemed hellbent on martyrdom with that book you wrote, but we hear at the Mixtape have to give you a thumbs up for the move.
We give a thumbs down to Inside Edition for actually putting up a PDF of the will for folks to read.
In other political news, Alec Baldwin has expressed interest in running for office. When reached for comment, all Liz Lemon could say was:
According to a report on Huffington Post, Alec Baldwin was recently interviewed by CNN host/former prosecutor/former NY governor/hooker lover Elliot Spitzer on his show and explained his reasons why he'd want to run for office:
"I don't want to say this in an anti-elitist way, but we've had men who are Ivy League groomed running this country since 1988," Baldwin said. "We've had 22 years of Yale and Harvard running this country right now, and the problems aren't getting solved."
We love us some Alec Baldwin. We worship to an altar of his "30 Rock" alter ego Jack Donaghy, but we had to laugh A LOT when Alec Baldwin discussed how people from the Ivy League who have been running the country are out of touch with the middle class. Sure, we can go along with that. But really? Nothing says in touch with the middle class quite like a huge Hollywood celebrity. Whatever. We'd actually enjoy seeing Alec Baldwin in a political office just to see how long it would take him to call another person a thoughtless little pig like he notoriously did to his daughter. Can't wait to see somebody put THAT in a political attack ad against him.
And lastly the rapper T.I. has been moved to a Special Housing Unit due to breaking a rule while serving time. Did he shank another prisoner? No. Did he start his own thug posse of diaper men? Nope. Did he get a handjob from his wife Tiny while she made a visit? DING DING DING. We've got a winner.
According to an interview with TMZ, Tiny went to go see her hubby and decided to give him under the table loving, which violated prison policy. We're not quite sure what exactly is the tackier thing from all of this: the fact that Tiny thought it'd be a good idea to give her man some lower appendage loving when that could've been videotaped and leaked to the net for the world to see OR the fact that she probably wouldn't have even cared since she granted an interview with TMZ to talk about the whole matter.
And with that lovely goodness, we now move onto dealing with the potential end of the world!
Oh dead birds, not doing so well are you? Didn't think so. As you've probably have already read and posted links to all over your Facebook, birds have been dropping to the ground all over the world including Louisiana, Kentucky, Italy and Sweden.
This has, not unsurprisingly, caused everybody to lose control of their minds as people try to figure out what exactly is going on. Some people have theorized that some of the birds fell to ground on New Year's Eve because of fireworks, which is understandable. Having to hear Katy Perry sing "Fireworks" routinely makes us collapse and convulse on the ground.
Now the fireworks excuse really doesn't hold a lot of water since birds are still dropping from the sky, and we're not quite sure that fireworks would kill a bunch of fish either. Whatever the cause of it, we're pretty sure this is like M.Night Shyamalan's notorious crap-fest of a film "The Happening." Except, you know, people care and are watching. This actually leads us to our next song of this Mixtape, a remix of Mark Wahlberg's stunning, flawless, amazing, more stilted than your favorite acting choice, now put to some music.
With the BP Oil Spill last year and now the birds and fish mysteriously dying, people are quickly coming to the conclusion that we are living in the end of days. Thankfully, we have such a calm voice of reason like "Growing Pains" star Kirk Cameron to come out and soothe the masses as Anderson Cooper took a brief pause in his one-man crusade to keep Camille Grammer on "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" to interview the star of such wonderful films as "Left Behind"
about whether or not the dead birds and fish are a sign of the end of days.
The "Southern Hummingbird" recently took to her Twitter to announce that she would be putting out her long gesticulating third album "Love Tweet" sometime this year. We're pretty sure if it does actually manage to come out, that's a bigger sign of the Apocalypse than all of the dead fish in the sea. Bonus, a leaked track off the album:
Some scientists have stated to different news sources that the birds dropping from the sky thing has happened before and that this is all:
We're pretty sure this is cold comfort for the birds and the fish. Anyway, we hope all of this stuff gets sorted sooner rather than later because the idea of Mike Seaver being repeatedly asked about whether or not this is the end of the world is the thing of night terrors.
So for all you fine feathered creatures out there, we hope you are able to stay in flight this weekend and we say:
And with that, we wish everybody a happy weekend. As always, we wish you love, peace and downloads. BRING ON THE DANCERS.
No comments:
Post a Comment