Hello everybody and welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, caterwauling through oldies better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes to escape Randy Jackson calling it dawg all the time.
Today is the launch of the brand spankin' new season of American Idol with new judges Jennifer Lopez and Aerosmith's Steven Tyler along with remarkably still employed Jackson and ringleader of this reality show circus Ryan Seacrest as Kara DioGuardi was let go so she could have more time to write crappy inspirational tunes, Ellen came to her senses and saw this was a worse idea than starring in "Mr. Wrong," and Simon left after spending all last season just pretty much trolling the American viewing public with his dubious love of winner Lee DeWyze.
What will happen this year, we don't know. But we do know is that it's time to:
First up, Mel Gibson is coming for Charlie Sheen's bad boy crown again as Los Angeles prosecutors are expected to charge the "Lethal Weapon" star with domestic violence for allegedly punching the mother of his infant and tape recording expert Oksana Grigorieva, according to a report in NY Post. This makes us long for the days when Gibson's most embarrassing stunts were starring in movies like "Bird on a Wire."
Next up, boy band O-Town is reuniting, sans one member who has delusions that he has something better to do. Yes, that's right everybody, the boys who gleefully sang about nocturnal emissions are reuniting, sans the ridiculously perfect named Ashley Parker Angel. Parker Angel who released a statement to TMZ on the matter, saying he was initially "intrigued" but decided to move onto the next chapter of his career. And by chapter, we're assuming filing Chapter 13 for bankruptcy because besides being in "Hairspray" on Broadway, what have you done lately besides hope MTV gives you another reality show?
And lastly, on the "American Idol" tip, former contestant Alex Lambert, not to be confused with Adam, is allegedly homeless if you believe his Tweets as opposed to his management, according to Entertainment Weekly. Homeless? Nope. Talented? Questionable. Shamelessly getting more attention than he did during his whole run on "American Idol"? Most definitely.
Next up, we take on our least favorite contestant types on American Idol!
Oh "American Idol," this is sort of the make or break season for you. With Simon Cowell, the Ricky Gervais of reality show judges, now off and working on bringing over "The X-Factor" from across the pond, the fact that last year was a bore-fest and just the natural fatigue that comes with any series that has been on as long as you have, this is a critical time for you. You fail and Ryan Seacrest is going to have to rely on one of his twelve million other jobs to pay for his teeth whitening. This year should at least prove interesting as Jennifer Lopez trying to critique people about their singing voices is a lovely flashback to Paula Abdul's tenure on the show while we're pretty sure Steven Tyler is going to bring the cray cray we've so been missing. Randy, well, he's just there to pay off his gastric bypass surgery. So in honor of the show, we look back at some of our favorite moments and our least favorite contestant types.
First up, the "singer-songwriter." This type has been a recent emergence on "American Idol" and pretty much dominated the show last season. What's incredibly annoying is somebody being labeled a singer/songwriter in a glorified karaoke competition. To the eyes of the "American Idol" judges and producers, all it takes to be a singer/songwriter is to play some instrument while looking moderately unkempt. INSTANT JAMES TAYLOR.
We had Jason Castro and his "let's-play-hacky-sack-in-the-Quad" dreadlocks in Season 7, below singing Bob Marley BECAUSE WHY WOULDN'T HE.
We had Mira Sorvino doppelganger Brooke White:
Last season we had Crystal Bowersox, who we sort of enjoyed when she wasn't giving us Destitute!Julia Stiles vibes:
And of course winner Lee DeWyze:
Before we get onto our next category, our favorite moment of last season was Siobhan Magnus and the first trotting of her big ole scream when performing "Think."
Next up, the "American Idol" judges certainly love to exalt any Caucasian male who sings anything RESEMBLING R&B music as having a Robin Thicke/Justin Timberlake vibe. This leads us to our next least favorite contestant type: The Soulful White Male.
We had the likes of Chris Richardson and his nasal-is-a-type-of-singing voice
Or Matt Giraud
Or Blake Lewis, who the judges kept telling us was so relevant with his beatboxing even though the year was not 1983.
And as much as the "American Idol" producers want us to forget he ever was on the show, let alone won it, the king of all Soulful White Males:
Our next favorite moment is this hot mess of when Fantasia and her Kool-Aid sponsored hair came to "American Idol" to perform her song "Bore Me" and did anything but.
To this day, we have not a clue what any of the words she sang. This leads us to another contestant type we hate the judges try to shove at us every year, whether or not the contestant fits the bill. If you're a Black female on this show, you're expected to be some unholy combination of Mariah, Whitney, and Jennifer Holiday at all times. Welcome to the Soulful White Man's sister The Soulful Sista.
For every Jennifer Hudson or Tamyra Gray or Melinda Doolittle who navigated this somewhat successfully, you had people like:
Mandissa, who had to be a soul sister even during country week
Or LaKisha Jones, who foolishly took the Jennifer Holiday bait and found herself spending the rest of the time on the show trying to match that moment
Or Lil Rounds, who was good but not the second coming of Mary Jesus Blige that the judges would have you believe:
We pause again for another one of our favorite moments, Kelly Clarkson and her streakish hair taking on and winning "Without You."
And now our top least favorite "American Idol" contestant type, which we will be potentially even seeing more of this year as "American Idol" has lowered the age to 15 for eligible contestants.
We're talking about the "Teenage Dreams," the contestants who sing every song, whether about love or pain or death or puppies, with the same toothy smile their stage parents have taught them to do under threat of no dinner.
You had the likes of Diana DeGarmo and her show choir vocals in season 3:
Or Jordin Sparks, before Chris Brown was causing her to have "No Air" and she was defending the Jonas Brothers from Russell Brand:
The awkward-fest that is Paris Bennett taking on Beyonce's "Work it Out"
Aaron Kelly, who always looked like a human version of those Yahoo!Messenger Avatars to us:
And the biggest Teenage Dream of them all, Sanjaya Malakar:
Whew, that's a lot of terrible y'all. We're excited to see what this season of "American Idol," whether it be a creative renewal or its ultimate downfall. As always, we wish you love, peace and downloads. BRING ON THE DANCERS