Oh the Golden Globes, what a SIDE EYE and I CAN'T fest you were this year. "Inception" dreamed of getting some Golden Globes love but found itself in a No-Win nightmare while "The Social Network" found a lot of people trying to friend it as it swept through the categories. A slightly chunkier Matt Damon attempted to be funny and failed miserably while introducing Robert DeNiro's lifetime achievement award while Christina Aguilera, also looking slightly heftier, trotted out her new boyfriend and her old red lipstick to the proceedings.
The stars were drunker, the winners were more predictable, and Ricky Gervais was meaner, which made it a glorious evening where, as per usual, who actually got the awards was almost incidental to all of the hot mess wonder that happened on the red carpet and during the actual telecast.
You know you're in for a good night when the geniuses at NBC have one of their on-air people refer to Steve Buscemi's role on "Boardwalk Empire" as his "break-out role." Really? THAT is his break-out role. Not the ten million other movies that he's been in. Seriously, who was their researcher for the bobbleheads on the carpet? Joan Rivers?
Anyway, with a show as jam-packed with things, it'd be impossible to cover everything so we've narrowed it down today to our five favorite things of the 2011 Golden Globes. We're talking about the star who seemed bemused by his own nominations, the star who couldn't stop crying, the celebrity who desperately needs to host one of these award and so much more.
Moment Number 5: Steve Buscemi calling out the Golden Globe orchestra for cutting people off with their "sad music."
Blame Christian Bale for this. After winning the first award of the night for his role in "The Fighter," a clearly not-feeling-any-pain Bale rambled a bit at the mic which seemed to have made the producers of the show a little nervous about running over so they started playing people off the stage after some 30 seconds during the first hour of the show. Which is fine to us because the first hour is usually a parade of nobodies winning minor awards.
But when Buscemi went to accept his award, we have to give him credit for throwing the right amount of shade out at the orchestra. And to their credit, they were either scared or respectful enough to not cut off Buscemi or most people who came after him. Sadly, we wished they would've sacked up and interrupted Al Pacino, who always seems to come off like some slightly crazed homeless person that somebody jokingly shoved into a nice suit and brought to the awards.
A bonus thing we liked: The awkward mess of "Married with Children"/"Sons of Anarchy" star Katey Segal having to walk the length of a freakin' football field just to accept her awards since apparently she and her table were pretty much out in the parking lot of the Golden Globes. We also enjoyed how, in the first hour of the show, it took people forever and a day to leave the stage since nobody knew where to go OR were too drunk off the open bar to have remembered the instructions.
Moment 4: Angelina Jolie applying lipgloss during the awards.
We're not quite sure exactly when the formerly crazed actress became such a dour drip who acts like every time she enjoys herself at a Hollywood function an African child will go without food or something, but we appreciated the Golden Globes commitment to have their camera trained on Brangelina for the whole night so we could see moments like Angelina applying lipgloss, WHICH BE POPPIN', or fixing Brad Pitt's bowtie. It was nice to see underneath all the hair and glam eyelashes and attempts at sainthood beats the heart of a woman who wants her and her husband to look camera-ready.
Moment 3: Johnny Depp's seeming embarrassment for even being nominated for "The Tourist"
"The Tourist" being nominated for anything was the gift that get on giving as Ricky Gervais called out the Hollywood Foreign Press Awards for accepting bribes and trips to Las Vegas. Seriously though, nobody saw the movie. And the people who did are still trying to figure out how it got nominated as a comedy. And thankfully Johnny Depp seemed to have enough awareness about him to know that he was only nominated for that and the stinkfest that was "Alice in Wonderland" so his appearance at the show would be sort of guaranteed and would help the ratings. You got to appreciate an actor who seems to actually be chuckling a big ole "I KNOW, RIGHT" when they announce his nomination during the ceremony.
We need more stars who don't take themselves so seriously. LOOKING AT YOU SANDRA "BANGS GALORE" BULLOCK. We don't know who pissed in her Corn Flakes, most likely Scarlett Johansson, but Sandra looked like she wasn't having ANY OF IT when she came out to present Best Actor in a Drama award.
Oooh, we might have found one of the culprits for Sad Sandra, well-respected journalist Al Roker.
Another random moment that we loved: L'Oreal going out of its way to make Beyonce look like a White girl with a good tan.
Moment 2: Speaking of stars who don't take themselves seriously, we really think Robert Downey Jr. needs to host an awards show.
Adeptly handling Ricky Gervais' joke about his stints in rehab, Robert Downey Jr. immediately won us over with his charm offensive of hitting on all of the Golden Globe nominees for Best Actress in a Comedy. While Julianne Moore was too busy looking terrible in her pink dress and Annette Bening was chasing rings in a Sonic the Hedgehog game, we appreciated "Easy A" star Emma Stone for going right along with Robert Downey Jr.'s smarmy antics.
We also loved Emma Stone for having this little moment with "Black Swan" star Mila Kunis.
And our favorite moment of the night was this, what we are dubbing through the help of our friend Grant,
DON'T STOP THE TEARIN'
Oh Lea Michelle. We loved that you spent the entire time of the Golden Globes holding back tears. We were crying to when "Glee" won for Best Comedy. But that was mainly because it's a shitty to average show at best nowadays and to see it snatch the award away from the brilliance of "Modern Family."
We're okay with Chris Colfer's win for "Supporting Actor" since the TV supporting actor category is a mess of everything from TV mini-series to comedies to dramas so it's pretty much just whoever has the biggest amount of buzz. And nothing quite makes for a better "It Gets Better" PSA quite like giving the award to Colfer and his bullied character Kurt.
Congratulations to him. We're sure Blaine is excited too.
Our bonus favorite moment: Ricky Gervais coming for everybody's lacefront.
Nobody's feelings were spared, and we loved every delicious second of it. Mocking everything and everybody is what Ricky Gervais does best. And why can't the Golden Globes monologue double as a roast? It's no meaner than what some of the stylists convinced people to wear out in public. LOOKING AT YOU SCARLETT JOHANSSON, HELENA BONHAM CARTER AND MICHELLE WILLIAMS. Lord, Scarlett decided to handle her the breakdown of her marriage by dressing like the mother of the bride, HBC had her crazy in the forefront and Michelle Williams wore a Valentino dress that was clearly made with leftover Laura Ashley floral print.
We also enjoyed the extreme amount "Oh this bitch" eye-rolling that came from Helena Bonham Carter during Melissa Leo's speech, after beating HBC for the Golden Globe for Supporting Actress in a Drama.
So in honor of Ricky being an asshat to EVERYBODY we end the mixtape with Kanye West's ode to the assholes, douchebags, and the scumbags!
And with that, we end our coverage of this year's Golden Globes. See you tomorrow for New Tunes Tuesday and make sure to be back here January 25 for the announcement of the Oscars. As always, we wish you love, peace and downloads. BRING ON THE DANCERS