Gleecap - Nether Regionals

Last week on "Glee," we think Gwyneth Paltrow guest-starred on the program, but we're not quite sure as she was so underused by the program. Maybe? Anyway, Paltrow's Holly Holiday character was back and doling out sex advice to all of the woefully undereducated students at McKinley High as she was filling in for the sex education teacher. Over at Gay Hogwarts, Kurt found himself being confronted with his unsexy nature by Blaine, who thought it'd be a wise idea to talk to Kurt's father about how Kurt knows boo diddley about the okey doke. Not a horrifyingly awkward conversation in the least. Elsewhere, Emma was still coming to terms with her feelings for Will and the fact that her husband Dentist Carl has only drilled her teeth since they tied the knot. Somewhere in the midst of this, we also got Santana admitting her feelings for Brittany, Brittany thinking she was knocked up, Quinn and Finn getting it on, half of the Glee club joining the celebacy club to perform a stunning rendition of "Afternoon Delight." Because why not.

Continue reading for the Gleecap of all the Regionals madness.
We kick off the big regionals episode at the show-within-a-show that is Dalton Academy. The doors fly open as Blaine and the ten thousand pounds of Brylcream in his hair launches into a rendition of Maroon 5's "Misery." We seriously want to know how much Adam Levine and company had to bribe the people at "Glee" to get this song on the program because the last time we checked it's 2011 and not 2004 so the no1curr that permeates all things Maroon 5 related is at all time highs. Blaine and the rest of the students at Songwarts gallivant around the hallways of the place with way too much enthusiasm for a Maroon 5 song with Kurt being the sole arbiter of something resembling taste as he joins in with the bare minimum amount of gusto.

Before Blaine has a chance to launch into "She Will Be Loved," Kurt, who must have been spending his free time outside of school trolling the "Glee" message boards, tells Blaine how it's sort of annoying always being his back-up person. Blaine initially brushes off this critique, laying fault at the feet of the Warblers council who chooses who gets the solos in numbers. Kurt, showing a huge amount of restraint, does not throw out the fact that half of the council probably wants to tousle Blaine's well-coiffed hair. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. And if you don't, Kurt's dad can give you a talk all about it.

We cut over to McKinley High, where Rachel and Finn are meeting in the Glee club room so Finn can hear Rachel's second attempt at songwriting after the disastrously wonderful tune "My Headband." Rachel, ever confident her ability to be the next Carole King despite all evidence to the contrary, hands Finn a box of tissues because the song might make us emotional. Two lines in and we're pretty sure the emotion that Finn is feeling is second hand embarrassment as Rachel sings her tune "Only Child" that blesses us with the line "I'm the only Berry on the family tree." While Finn gives Rachel some advice to help counteract the vortex of suck that is her second attempt at writing an original song, Quinn is lurking in the shadows, a running theme throughout this episode because nobody apparently has anything better to do than to dramatically stand off in the distance with a pissy face. Anyway, Quinn, in a hat clearly borrowed from the closet of Blair Waldorf, has turned into full-on sociopath as she desperately tries to regain her social stature with being prom queen the crowning moment.

Before we can fully settle into the Quinn's batshit crazy, we cut back over to Songwarts where Kurt comes to inform the boys that Pavarotti, the canary he was put in charge to take care of ten thousand episodes ago, has died. Equal parts shaken and fabulously well-dressed in bereavement wear, Kurt decides to sing a song to honor the canary while simultaneously throwing all kinds of shade at Blaine. Sadly, this tribute doesn't involve the singing of Liz Phair's "Canary" but instead a wonderful rendition of the Beatles' "Blackbird" in what is the third musical number in less than seven minutes on this show.

Back over at McKinley High, Will confronts Sue Sylvester over her ability to get a cease and desist order from My Chemical Romance over New Directions' use of their song "Sing" as their competition song at regionals. Proving that people are morons who are doomed to repeat history, Will does not further investigate this whole bit of Sylvester shenanigans and instead comes back to the idea of writing original songs with Ms. Berry leading the charge and Quinn, sensing an opportunity to get closer to Rachel to stab her in the back, taking up the cause as well. The rest of the Glee kids want to get into the action to help express themselves through music. And by express themselves through music, we mean sell mp3s on iTunes. Maybe?

We return from a commercial to sound of tinkling music of strife and sadness as Santana and Brittany are at their lockers, with Brittany trying to get Santana to open up to her. Emotionally. Get your minds out of the gutter. Santana, who confirms that she's still dating Sam for reasons completely unknown to us when he has his shirt on, says she's going to write a loving ode to him. Interrupting this moment is Sue Sylvester as she throws some insults towards the former Cheerios and reveals that she has filled their lockers with dirt. Hilarious bullying is hilarious.

And while the boys at Songwarts decide that they are going to do a duet with Kurt and Blaine as part of competition at Regionals, the kids at Glee club decide to roll out their new songs including Santana's song in honor of Sam called "Trouty Mouth." We guess Santana has been reading the "Glee" message boards as well. Also, "Trouty Mouth" is totally going to be Meg Ryan's new ringtone as we speak.

Not to be outdone, Puck picks up his guitar and sings a song in honor of his lady Lauren titled "Big Ass Heart" because this whole romance is just a vehicle to deliver fat jokes.

You have to love that the Glee kids are so self-involved that they can only write songs that directly reflect their current life situations. Speaking of self-absorbed people, Quinn corners Finn to discuss being prom king and queen because Quinn is still a baby sociopath without the finesse that comes with years of experience. As she tries to motivate Finn into setting a date for when they'll let the world know about their great romance, Rachel is lurking in the background with a sad face. Is nobody ever in a hurry to get to class on this show?

At Songwarts, Kurt and Blaine kiss. That's really all you need to know about this scene. Feel free to squee away.

Who knew all it took for a boy to make a move on you is a dead bird and a Beatles tune? Life lesson learned.

Back at McKinley High, Mercedes presents her original song. It's called "Hell to the No." No, we're not making this up. They have actually given the sassy Black girl a song called "Hell to the No," with lyrics that references both Diabetes and weaves. God bless having the restraint to not have her eating some fried chicken during the performance. Or maybe that's in the extended performance.

After deciding to use Sue's horrible antics against them for inspiration for a song and, you know, NOT A LAWSUIT OR SOMETHING, Rachel and Quinn have a showdown by a piano over who Frankenteen will love. In a rare nod of continuity, Rachel points out that she thought they had made peace with Rachel's birth mom adopting Quinn's baby and whatnot. (Sidenote: the fact that that didn't inspire at least 12 thousand songs alone for Ms. Berry is unbelievable). Quinn, in her own Queen Bee way, points out to Rachel what she believes the realities of life are: Quinn and Finn will get married and end up in Lima forever while Rachel will go off and be successful. So basically, Quinn is being cruel to be kind. Rachel runs away and bursts into tears without even having to sing a solo performance for it.

We come back from our commercial break with Sue leading a rousing version of "I'm a Bitch." PSYCHE. But how awesome would that be? Make it happen "Glee"! Anyway, Sue is taunting Will because SURPRISE, she faked the cease and desist order from My Chemical Romance. Of course she did. We saw this coming. Hell, even Ray Charles in his current state could have seen that coming.

Out in the auditorium, we are introduced to our judges who include Kathy Griffin giving Sarah Palin realness and Loretta Devine as a former stripper turned nun. Sue, ever the crafty one, chooses a song for Aural Intensity that will play into the hands of the judges: "Jesus is a Friend of Mine." Nothing like some good ole fashioned melodic pandering. The audience goes nuts for the performance but given they seemingly yell and scream for every performance, we're pretty sure their enjoyment wasn't stemming from some deep held Christian belief but a desire to get some camera time.

Up next, Kurt and Blaine lead the Warblers in a rendition of "Candles." We love Klaine, but sweet Jesus does this number sound terrible. No amount of close-ups of emotional intensity can save the fact that their harmonizing is awful. The Dalton boys immediately follow-up this number with Pink's "Raise Your Glass" because nothing says "outsider" like a bunch of guys who attend an elite private school.

Next up, New Directions sing. For an episode filled with meta-commentary, we're surprised they restrained themselves from making a joke about how for once the Glee kids are not entering from the back of an auditorium. Granted, given the jank camera moves that made us feel guilty, maybe they should've stuck to what they know. God bless Lea. We love Rachel Berry, but she lip syncs with the subtlety of a newbie drag queen who's worrying that her tuck is coming loose.

As much as Kurt complained about Blaine singing all of the solos, you'd think he'd be used to it by the way New Directions functions because somehow when even the Glee club writes a song together, Rachel still gets to sing lead on it. Can we got get some choir in our show choir? Maybe? Also, what in the name of "Clarissa Explains It All" is going on with the fashion for the competition. A dress paired with boots and leggings? When you can find a dress that makes BRITTANY AND SANTANA look thick, you deserve a Nobel Peace Prize for Failure.

The judges retire to get their critique and immediately wonder about the Dalton Academy boys as Kathy Griffin worked overtime to counteract whatever the hell she's done to her face to try to emote something resembling self-righteousness.

Of course they're going to rule out the Dalton guys because of the homosexual vibes, not because the songs were terrible. Anyway, the New Directions kids win the competition, which is odd since last year they got their asses handed to them by Vocal Adrenaline who, for reasons unknown, aren't even at the competition this year. Whatever, we'll see them at Nationals most likely. Anyway, New Directions wins and Sue, ever graceful in the face of defeat, punches the Lt. Gov.'s wife in front of the auditorium.

Okay, we need to take a moment and talk about Sue. She sucks as a character now. We love Jane Lynch, but Sue really doesn't serve a purpose on the show anymore. And the fact that she hasn't been punished for all of her acts of violence the last few episodes is beyond ridiculous as the show made such a huge ass deal about Kurt's bullying.

Anyway, we end the episode with the Glee club rewarding Rachel for being the MVP of the group with a unanimous vote. We don't believe that for a second as we can't imagine Brittany being able to spell Rachel's name properly to save her life.

We end the episode with Kurt and Blaine burying the dead bird. We're like 90 percent sure that that is in fact not a euphemism for gay sex.

See you in April when "Glee" returns with all new episodes!

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