Happy Friday Mixtapers! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, giving you BEGGING FOR MONEY REALNESS better than your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when it wants to get a mug and a t-shirt with their donation. With the news that both the Wisconsin State Assembly and Senate have passed Gov. Walker's plan to eliminate collective bargaining for most public workers in the state as either a) a way to help offset Wisconsin's ginormous debt or b) put a huge dent in unions that tend to vote mainly for Democratic candidates. No matter what you believe the reasons are behind it, it's pretty much a done deal at this point as Democratic members of the Assembly and state senators try to figure out if the Republicans amazingly simple and calculate move of removing the collective bargaining thing from the state budget and having it something to vote on itself. Pretty sneaky sis! ~Connect Four commercial voice~
Anyway, we here at the Mixtape feel that there has to be better ways for the state to shore up its funds and have decided that the best solution for the matter can be summed up in one little word: TELETHON. Yeah, that's right. We think the state of Wisconsin should get in touch with its inner Jerry Lewis and hold a telethon to raise funds to cancel out the millions and millions of debt. Take over a television station for like a month or two, fill it with a host of national and state celebrities begging for funds and let us see how much money we can rake in. People would be far more willing to fork over their money to the government if they got a tap dance or a musical number in return.
But before we get to the telethon realness, we got to look back all the moments of gossip that had us rolling our eyes, letting out a sigh and shrieking I CAN'T to the sky. That's right Mixtapers, it's time for us to look back at:
First up, there might not be crying in baseball, but there apparently a few tears shed here and there in basketball. The poor, poor Miami Heat. They were supposed to be the team that was going to be snatching everybody's wig this season with LeBron "King" James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh all on one team together. Yeah, not so much as the Miami Heat found themselves with a five game losing streak when lost to the Portland Trail Blazers. That was bad enough but then the Miami Heat Coach came out and discussed how emotional the loss was and said that one of the players had cried. Faster than you can say NOTHING BUT NET, an Internet sensation was born as everybody discussed in great detail all things related to gender politics, sports, masculinity and a host of other issues. We're just surprised at the tears since basketball players generally don't cry outside of DNA tests and sexual assault hearings. Bad taste joke is in bad taste. Thankfully the Miami Heat broke their losing streak last night as they went on to beat the Lakers. Now they are crying tears of joy like they are in the champagne room at Scores.
Speaking of bad taste, people are up in arms about this week's episode of "Glee." No, they aren't taking to the streets because of the overload of Gwyneth Paltrow even though we wouldn't argue with that. Nope, people are mad because the show featured the tune "Do You Want to Touch Me." While the song for a lot of people is associated with the awesomeness that is Joan Jett, the song was originally written and performed by glam rock act Gary Glitter. Gary Glitter was famously convicted of being a big ole molestor so performing his tune would actually be giving royalties to a convicted pedophile, which has gotten a lot of people hopping mad. "Glee" should have left Herbert from "Family Guy" tackle the song and left it alone, but then we wouldn't have had as many Paltrow singing scenes which would have been a tragedy upon the world.
In other PEOPLE NOT PLEASED WITH YOU news, Chris Brown is in hot water for referring to his assault of Rihanna as a "mishap." In an interview with "Page Six," Chris Brown talked about his troubles of late and his recent resurgence and allegedly referred to the whole incident as a mishap, much to the anger of some women's groups. What you didn't read in that interview is Chris Brown's opinions on other events:
The levees breaking in New Orleans = whoopsie daisy
The BP Oil Spill = an unfortunate occurrence
The Chilean Miners = a great excuse for male bonding
And let us get onto the Telethon of Amazeballs Proportions!
Hey Mixtapers! Welcome to our first annual Wisconsin Budgethon: a telethon to help raise funds for the state! With every telethon, we need a host that is able to entertain, to motivate and to stay up for long periods time. We racked our brains to think of who we could get to host this telethon for the state of Wisconsin, taking into consideration charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent (trademark RuPaul) as well as the funds we'd have bankroll this whole thing. We originally thought of using a celebrity from Wisconsin like "The Kids Are Alright" star Mark Ruffalo, but he was too temporarily breaking up lesbian relationships. Then we thought maybe we'd try Williem Dafoe, but we're sure he's got a Boondocks Saints convention to attend or something.
So then the idea came to us that maybe it doesn't have to be a Wisconsin-born celebrity necessarily but somebody associated with the state. We tried Brett Favre. And he agreed. And then he said no. Then he agreed again. Then he said no. And the last time we tried to get a hold of him he just sent us a photo of his penis. We tried Penny Marshall, star of the Milwaukee-set "Laverne and Shirley," but we couldn't understand a word she said on the phone. And then it came to us. We had found our perfect host for the whole thing:
We enlisted the hosting help of one Topher Grace, the former star of the Wisconsin-set "That 70's Show." Judging by his current choice in movies like the fail-tastic "Take Me Home Tonight," he'd be more than willing to sign up for our little dog and pony show. In honor of his contribution to the show and his "That 70's Show" background, we offer up Cheap Trick. Some people would also refer to what the Republicans did with the vote and the Democratic senators running to Illinois as cheap tricks as well. No matter, first up is Cheap Trick's tune "Surrender."
No telethon would complete without a few acts to fill time on this show. First up, Keri Hilson and her tune "Buyou" from her "No Boys Allowed" album. Ciara don't be mad. Ciara will be busily working the phones when she isn't working a cater waitress for the talent.
We'd follow up Keri Hilson with emerging star Jessie J and her tune "Price Tag."
But a telethon can't live on music acts alone. We've come up with a variety acts to help fill time during Topher's numerous costume changes:
1. The Democratic Senators are up first with a magic act: Watch as they disappear to a Best Western across state lines.
2. Some Republican members of the Assembly will use their inability to hear complaints to good use by doing a stunning scene from "The Miracle Worker."
3. Gov. Walker will take to the stage in a tune that he will dedicate to all of his haters out in TV land:
4. The protesters at the Capitol will close out this section with a glorious dance routine as they've had plenty time while standing out in the cold to pick up the finger snaps and pop lockin'.
How much money have we made Topher? Nothing? Not one. Damn. I guess that's what happens when you don't have money to install phones. Anyway, we've got more music acts to get to. Next up, Tilly and the Wall are going to tapdance into your hearts and hopefully open your wallet as well.
Next up Clare Maguire performs "Shield and Sword."
SO how are things going at the tote board Topher? We've raised five dollars. That's it? That's all we got? That is disheartening people. Give for the state budget. Next up, we highlight all the hard work of our teachers in schools with Amy Winehouse doing a rendition of "Teach Me Tonight." Take it away.
Ooooh, okay. That song? Not about teaching in the way we were thinking unless you're Mary Kay Letourneau. Let's try this again, Pete Seeger takes center stage and sings "What Did I Learn in School Today."
Jesus, is NOBODY listening to the songs before we book acts for this telethon? NOBODY? This is what you get when you have no fact checkers on staff. One last tune, to show the student perspective of the powers of education we have the cast of "Spring Awakening" doing "The Bitch of Living." You know what? FINE. We give up at this point.
This is what happens when you eliminate sex education from the schools. Kids will find a microphone and sing about it, folks.
Well, it's getting to be that time to rap up this telethon. We end it with our lovely host Topher Grace doing some sweet rollerdisco moves for us.
Totes brills, my friend. Totes brills.
See, wouldn't this make for an amazing way for Wisconsin to raise money. We'd just take over PBS and everything is fine. Wait what? They're trying to cut PBS's budget too. Well womp womp to that idea.I guess it isn't too late to start selling parts of the Capitol on eBay is it?
As always, we wish you love, peace and downloads! BRING ON THE DANCE MUSIC!