Gleecap - Glee-icide is Painless

Hey Gleeks! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, serving you HIGH NOTES REALNESS better than your favorite edition of the Majak Kingdom's Gleecap, where we remember old storylines so the "Glee" writers don't have to. "Glee" is still on hiatus this week but will make a triumphant return next with a brand new set of episodes, including a super-sized 90 minute episode to feature Lady GaGa's "Born This Way." With "Glee" still giving us rerun realness, we've decided to do one final extravaganza of a fake Gleecap. But before we get to the "Glee," let us first:

First up, a former member of boyband 98 Degrees is about to show a lot of eager women the "Hardest Thing" as he joins the legendary hot mess that is Chippendales. Oh yeah, according to TMZ, Jeff Timons, the attractive non-Lachey member of 98 Degrees, has decided to sign on for a four-week stint with the group starting in May. How far has your career fallen when stripping for a bunch of cougars and brides-to-be is most likely a step up from wherever you are? Seriously, you'd think that Nick Lachey would find his former boyband partner a place on one of the ten thousand crappy NBC reality competition shows he keeps inexplicably getting booked on as a host. Timmons could be the Brian Dunkleman to Lachey's hyper-muscular Ryan Seacrest. And you know, if there is a God, Seacrest will turn this whole thing into a reality show for the E!.

In other news, the Huffington Post has been hit with $105 million class action suit filed by a bunch of writers from the liberal website. And faster than you can say WHERE'S MY MONEY, the hyperbole has started to spill all over the Internet as one former writer told "Forbes" magazine:

"In my view, the Huffington Post’s bloggers have essentially been turned into modern-day slaves on Arianna Huffington’s plantation."

Oh we're sorry. We just temporarily went blind from all the SIDE EYE because, you know, nothing quite says SLAVERY like submitting material to a blog on your own free will. Totally the same. This was actually in fact a plotline that got cut from "Roots" due to time constraints. We're just surprised at the restraint of the blogger to not also throw in Nazi references and talking about feeling raped by Arianna Huffington's heavy accent, since rape and Nazis also seem to be also totally valid and equal comparisons.

Anyway, that's the small bit of tea as we have a jam-packed "Gleecap" to cap off our trilogy of fake Gleecaps! Continue reading now!

On the last fake episodes of "Glee," Quinn Fabray went cuckoo for crown glory as she found herself being tormented by an out-on-bail Sue Sylvester while New Direction members like Santana, Finn, and Rachel spent most of their free time trying to not feel feelings for people; Kurt and Blaine survived old people throwing tapioca pudding at them while Tina, Mercedes, and Mike Chang found out that even in fake episodes of "Glee" they are woefully under-served. And that's what you missed on the fake episodes of "Glee."

The episode opens with the sound of wind blowing in the air a little bit, the camera panning through the returning leaves on trees. The sound of water splashing over rocks can also be heard as we see an old familiar face come into focus. It's Dave Karofsky, McKinley High School's bully du jour. The camera pauses on his face and just sort of lingers, narrowing in on his eyes as the sound of water continues to grow stronger and stronger until he opens his mouth and starts singing an a capella version a la John Legend of the monster Adele tune "Rolling in the Deep."

He looks deeply forlorn during this whole number and the camera uncomfortably doesn't cut away from his face. The sound grows and grows with the soulful backing vocals behind him as tears start welling in his eyes as they trade the lines of "Could have had it all, (You're gonna wish you never had met me), Rolling in the deep, (Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep), You had my heart inside of your hands, But you played it, You played it, You played it,You played it to the beat." On the last words, Karofsky leaps from the bridge and we cut to the sound of a school bell ringing with the "Glee" title card on the screen

McKinley High School. Tina and Mike Chang are moseying around the hallowed halls of the high school and can't help but notice the great influx of craziness of the relationships that are being played out in public like an episode of "Maury." As they walk, the camera whirls to hear Sam bitterly yelling at Santana for recording an acoustic version of "Trouty Mouth," posting it to her YouTube and now on the brink of viral sensation at his expense.

Santana: Settle down Pouty Trout. Nobody on the Internet knows it's about you.

Sam: Except that Brittany held up a photo of me at the end and said the song was about Sam Evans who goes to McKinley High in Lima, Ohio.

Santana: Well, yeah, there was that.

Mike and Tina continue to stroll together and see Lauren and Puck who are in the midst of one of their banter sessions as Lauren keeps Puck at bay. We're too lazy to detail all of their dialogue so we'll sum it up this way:

Puck: Blah blah I want you. Blah blah blah fat joke. Blah blah blah boobs.

Lauren: Blah blah sassy retort, Puckerman. Blah blah, keep trying. Blah blah. Blah.

High quality character development as always.

The duo stop in front of Mercedes' locker, who is kissing a Tubberware container filled with tater tots because, you know, that keeps so well in a locker. Anyway, Tina gives a big exhale and melodramatically flings herself into the choir and talks about how she sometimes she forgets she’s even dating Mike. They are just so devoid of drama or even existing sometime.

Tina: It's like we're bit players in our own lives.

Mike says that just means they’re sane unlike most of New Directions. Who wants to be in the constant Finn/Quinn/berry whirl. Tina admits it’s nice to be in a calm relationship and talks about how much she likes Mike Chang being somebody that she can lean on and vice versa, launching into Blondie’s “I’m Always Touched By Your Presence Dear.”

The rest of the Glee club folks come hustling in, with Quinn completely rebuffing Rachel’s attempt to ask her if she got the flowers and the DVD she sent while recuperating.

Quinn: I appreciate the gesture Rachel but generally speaking a girl who has had a massive breakdown during prom doesn't want to sit around and watch Barbra Streisand in "Nuts."

Rachel: I just thought it would be cathartic.

Quinn: Your thoughts, like pretty much your whole existence, leave a lot to be desired.

Apparently Rachel has had enough and starts yelling at Quinn for being a hateful person as well as spilling the beans about how Quinn told her before Regionals about  how basically the only reason why she's with Finn is that she doesn’t think she deserves anything better than Lima which is dumb because Quinn and Finn and everybody deserves better than Lima.

Rachel: "Lima is hell. And if this town is hell, this school is one of the circles of hell and if this school is one of the circles, that makes you Satan’s cheerleader!” Quinn is about to reach out and smack a bitch when the sound of Principal Figgins on the PA system comes on to announce Karofsky’s untimely death which silences everybody until they hear somebody pounding hard on the lockers out in the hallway. The New Directions people scurry up to the door and see Azimio punching the lockers before collapsing in Coach Beiste's big arms.

We cut quickly to a scene of Lima's own news reporter Andrea Carmichael at the scene.

"We don't know what exactly has happened with the death of student/football star Dave Karofsky's death but we've heard rumors and that's good for us," Carmichael says.

Carmichael apparently isn't the only one as everybody is buzzing about why Karofsky would have killed himself as people throw out all kinds of absurd theories as we cut over to Emma’s guidance office where Karofsky's father is berating Emma for not doing more to help his son.

Emma, in a meek voice, points out that he knew that Karofsky had problems when he was briefly kicked out of school during Sue's short reign as principal. Karofsky's father shouts so more as Mr. Schuester enters the office, telling Emma this is what happens when you guidance counsel by way of pamphlet. He throws a copy of his son's suicide note at her before departing the office.

Emma: I think you need to own your grief about this situation. Let me get you a pamphlet about that.
Father Karofsky: You want to own my feelings. I will own. I love my dead gay son. Does that make you happy? Does that bring him back?

Emma seems stunned by this revelation as Daddy Karofsky tersely tells her that his son's suicide note detailed a romantic desire for someone. A dude, something that apparently went unrequited. Karofsky's father tears up and leaves.

Mr. Schue peeks his head into the office as Karofsky's father leaves in a blur and tries to offer some comfort, but Emma just turns around and begins stiffly dusting her wall of pamphlets with all her OCD might.

We jump forward in time with Kurt arriving home, talking about how that two hour drive from Dalton is so annoying when he sees Burt and Finn waiting for him.

Kurt: “If this is about those Britney Spears tour tickets I charged on your credit card for me and Blaine, I’ve already looked into some very fashion forward consignment shops who are interested in some of my clothes.”

Burt and Finn let Kurt know that Karofsky killed himself the other day. Kurt stands stunned for a moment before finally saying, “Cool. What’s for dinner.”

COMMERCIAL BREAK

When we return from commercial, Finn is talking to Rachel about how Kurt hasn't said a word about Karofsky's suicide and especially not about rumors that his suicide note declared his love for someone who could never love him. Rachel admits that both she and Blaine have tried their best as well but have failed miserably. Quinn comes into the classroom and is uncharacteristically cordial to Rachel when taking her seat in the choir room. Mr. Schuester, in is his best bereavement vest we assume, exposits for the audience that he told people they could work on songs to help sort through their feelings.

Mercedes volunteers to sing a song, saying that she, like most everybody in the club, have mixed feelings about Karofsky the person but is sad that he took his life. She then does a version of Melanie Fiona's latest single "Gone and Never Coming Back."

While Mercedes is singing, Mr. Schuester excuses himself because Coach Beiste is at the door. She has a big huge favor for him to ask New Directions as the song ends. Mr. Schue sighs and the show cuts ahead about a few seconds later as all the Glee kids are shrieking at the idea of performing at Karofsky's funeral. As they chatter about, Finn voices his opinion that they should.

Santana: "I don't know why you're all a-ok with whistling Dixie over his casket. He tortured you>'

Finn says that while Karofsky did torture both him and Kurt, he also sang with New Directions, Tina noting after some teeth pulling, during the halftime at the school football game. This, in Finn's view, makes Karofsky an honorary member of New Directions so they should sing at his funeral. And that's pretty much as close as we're ever going to get to Finn and logic being in the way room as each other.  Puck pipes up to say, "Well good luck explaining the former member that you live with."

The episode cuts over to Songwarts where Blaine and Kurt are hanging out on their lunch break because everything functions in its own time/space continuum on this show. Blaine is trying to get Kurt to say something to him, to tell him how he feels.

Kurt: What do you want me to do? What does everybody want me to do? For once in my life, I'm going out of my way to not make somebody else's event about me, and I still get crapped on. I don't know how I feel. If I knew how to feel I'd feel so much better. I don't even feel like a real person now.

At this, Kurt starts his own Warblers-backed version of "What Would I Do If I Could Feel."

Commercial Break

The Hummel Home. It's the night before Karofsky's funeral. Burt and Kurt are in the midst of one of their classic father/son moments as Burt, god bless his little bald heart, tries to get Kurt to open up about the whole Karofsky situation. Kurt is as glib as he always is in the face of emotional situations that displease and thankfully Burt sees completely through this flippancy.

Burt: You know you're allowed to feel things. Whatever they may be.
Kurt: I'm also allowed to plead the Fifth.

Burt shrugs his shoulders and leaves. A few seconds later, Finn knocks on Kurt's door, who is in the midst of some pre-bed moisturizing. The two exchange some tense looks as Kurt tells Finn that he knows about the plans of New Directions to sing at the funeral, and he, to a degree, understands it. Finn nods his head and says Kurt probably wants to be alone now.

Kurt: You know, it's not often your biggest bully and the first guy who kissed you die all at once.

At this Finn stops and turns around and sits on the edge of Kurt's bed. Kurt lets out a huge sigh and sits down next to him and we end the scene with Kurt going into detail of the particulars of what happened in that locker room when Karofsky forcibly kissed him.

Day of the funeral. Mr. Schuester is parking his car when he sees somebody he hasn't seen in a very long time: Sandy Ryerson, the coach of the Glee club who was fired many moons ago. Sandy Ryerson is standing outside, holding onto a small vase filled with flowers, apparently lost in thought. Mr. Schuester tells Sandy it's nice that he came to honor a student.

To the surprise of maybe only Mr. Schue, Ryerson says, "He wasn't just a student to me."

Ryerson flashes back when he met Karofsky on a gay dating site called You've Got Peen-sonality; they started a relationship over the summer but Ryerson, fearing that somebody would find out, ended it shortly before the school year started. The last time he saw Karofsky was the day before his suicide when he was in the midst of rehearsals for his new show "Cleo-baret," a one-man show about Cleopatra. Much to Karofsky's dismay, Ryerson had moved onto the a young man named Jeremiah, who had needed some work after being fired from The Gap.

Inside, Quinn and Rachel are milling in church, waiting for New Directions to perform. Quinn asks Rachel if she ever felt suicidal.

 Rachel: "No, contrary to all your best efforts."

Quinn apologizes about how she and the Cheerios used to write how Rachel should kill herself on her MySpace videos.

Quinn: "You were right before, during Regionals, about us being family with your mom adopting my baby. And you were also right that this town is hell. And I really don't want to be Satan's cheerleader." The two girls hug as everybody starts making their way to their place to perform.

And because this is a VERY SPECIAL EPISODE of Glee, of course they are going to choose the MOST VERY SPECIAL SONG from that MOST VERY SPECIAL MUSICAL to cap off this episode. Oh yeah, we end the episode with some RENT REALNESS.

Mid-song, of course, Kurt shows up with Burt and Blaine by his side and sits in one of the back pews. Azimo, who is up front with the rest of the football players, looks and silently acknowledges Kurt showing up as Mercedes breaks it down with the MEASURE WITH LOOOOOOOOVE part of the song.

And that my lovelies ends our trilogy of fake Gleecaps. "Glee" returns next week with all new episodes. See you then!

Missed a Fake Gleecap? Check them out now:
Beach Blanket Glee Club
Gleek Swan