Gleecap - Death and All His Gleeks

Morning Gleeks! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, SNATCHING THE PALLBEARER OFF YOUR FAVORITE edition of the Gleecap, where we detail all the high, low and severely out of tune notes from every episode of "Glee." Last night brought us our pentultimate episode of season 2 of "Glee" and it was filled with death, tears, songs, dance, and a little bit of Willy Wonka. Can you ask for more from "Glee"? Other than non-shitty characterizations and plotlines that make sense? Not really. But before we delve into who died, who unfortunately is still living and all the other plot details of the episode, let us first:

First up, Arnold Schwarzenegger as he let the world know that ten years ago he fathered a child with a member of the staff at his house while he was married to Maria Shriver. 20 bucks says he wishes that staff member had turned out to be The Terminator. This information makes Maria Shriver's whole getting out of the marriage a) make even more sense and b) seem even classier since she's pretty much remained mum about the whole matter. For his part, Schwarzenegger has told the press that he's a fair target and to leave his family out of the ridicule. Come on Arnold, if you were good at setting boundaries you probably wouldn't have screwed your staff member, would you? Don't think so.

In our bits of tea sure to delight certain ladies of Bravo, former "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" star Danielle Staub has taken to being a stripper for the strip joint Scores and its website. The 48-year-old has signed a THREE year deal to make occasional live appearances at a Scores in New York as well as appearances on its website. We're sure Teresa Giudice is flipping over tables with joy. Here's the thing, you know your life choices have been extremely screwy for a long period of time when stripping on the Internet is one of the more dignified decisions you've made.

In TV news that will devastate fans of horrible relationships, Lisa Edelstein aka "Cuddy" on "House" will be leaving the program at the end of its current seventh season. In a statement, Edelstein stated she was sad about moving on from the character she's played for the past seven years but looks forward to all her new acting challenges ahead. Girl, we're pretty sure that your biggest acting challenge is going to find something that isn't on the Lifetime Movie Network.

Elsewhere, CBS has put a bullet in the brain of the "Criminal Minds" spin-off "Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior." We hope that being out of a job will make Forest Whitaker campaign for a "Fast Times at Ridgmont High" reunion film.

And lastly, to the dismay of Brittany S. Pierce of "Glee" who stated she doesn't want to die until "One Tree Hill" was canceled, "One Tree Hill" looks like it will outlive us all as it has been renewed for yet another season. We never could get into "One Tree Hill" as Chad Michael Murray seemed to be one of the most successful graduates of the Channing Tatum School of Non-Acting.

And that's a little bit of the tea for today! Now let us get our "Glee" on!

It was prom season at McKinley High School as Jesse St. James made a return to Lima to woo Rachel, setting off a flurry of jealous emotions from Finn that got them both kicked out of prom and a royal bitch-slapping from Quinn who momentarily blamed Rachel for her loss of prom queen to Kurt on Rachel. To the surprise of nobody with an Internet connection, Kurt was named prom queen and went through the initial motions of being sad before reclaiming his crown and making some lame-ass royal wedding joke about Kate Middleton. Pippa for the win, Kurt. Elsewhere, Santana pondered her life in the closet while Karofsky took one step forward and twelve steps back in that process. Rebecca Black was sung, punches were attempted to be spiked with lemonade, and Brittany danced with everyone's dates while Mercedes managed to spend all of prom with out taking a pair of scissors to Sam's bolo tie. Such restraint, my child. And that's what you missed on the last episode of "Glee."

And now onto last night's episode.

We open the episode with Jesse St. James as a consultant, because these people are morons. Seriously, let us hire alumnus from our chief rival school, a dude that egged our star, to help give us advice. Hope nobody was counting on joining Mensa anytime soon.

Anyway, while the Glee club is sitting around, Jesse throws some mad shade at Finn's inability to dance. There is going to be a lot of moments of Jesse St. James telling the God's honest truth, but everybody brushing it off because of its less than, shall we say, Mr. Schue-brand of cheerfulness?  Anyway, for reasons not really made sense by the writers on the show, everybody pretty much sides with Jesse St. James and goes along with him working as a consultant for the group, leaving Finn the awkward dancing cheese standing alone. We're way less bothered at a college dropout from a rival high school being brought in a consultant than we are at the fact that nobody is terribly concerned that its a week from Nationals, and these New Directions people haven't even figured out their set list yet. 

Sue’s office. Terri  Schuester, dressed in her best espionage trenchcoat, is helping Sue to try to cancel the plane tickets for the kids because Sue needs to get a fucking grip and Terri, well, has a contractual obligation that needs to be fulfilled by the writers on the show so that's probably why she's still lingering around. Anyway, Sue tries to have the Glee club people sent to Libya so they will be killed and/or kidnapped. How Jane Lynch hasn't decked a writer on this show yet for the material they hand her is a miracle. Terri calls out Sue for waking out on the wrong side of the bed. We’re pretty sure it’d be better if Terri said that Sue woke up on the wrong side of a strait jacket but no matter. Such is life.

Off on the auditorium stage, Becky and heretofore unseen mother make an appearance to ask Will if Becky can join glee club. Mr. Schue asks Becky if she can sing, as if being unable to sing has stopped people from being in glee club.  He also questions why she'd want to join. Turns out, Big Bad Sue dropped Becky from being a Cheerio. Unfortunately, she chose the wrong time to try to join the team because the team is low on the kumbaya spirit.

We cut over to Mr. Schuester berating Sue for getting rid of Becky. Sue informs Will that she got rid of Becky because she reminds her too much of her sister Jean, who just died the previous day. Sue, for once this season, gets a meaty storyline as she details the pain of losing her sister while Will tries to offer as much comfort he can muster.

After this, we have a flurry of brief scenes as Rachel tries to convince Finn to try out for the big solos competition thing that Jesse St. James has concocted as a way for Glee to figure out its strongest member and build a whole show around them. Sad!Finn, still disheartened by Jesse's evisceration of him, says he’s Lima good, not New York good and sulks off to awkwardly dance in a corner somewhere. Poor, poor Frankenteen.

Elsewhere, Emma helps Will pack up his apartment as he goes off to work on April Rhodes' show for the summer. Will has a lot less fate in the show than Emma does, who notes that this can be a big life change. Hopefully the life change will involve a lot less vests as they have this conversation while Emma sorts his ridiculous array of them. Though we can't judge. Vests are to Mr. Schue what black cardigans are to us.

Kurt and Finn come by Sue's office to help offer some condolences to Sue. Sue hilariously mentions that she threw out a bunch of flower arrangements already. “I’m allergic to pansies. And that is not a swipe at either one of you," she says. Sue has a mini-freakout about the death of her sweet sister because she wonders why she‘s living, and Jane Lynch's agent probably got on the phone with them to remind them that she hasn't been given boo diddley in terms of material to win herself a Golden Globe. Anyway, Sue spends a large chunk of time talking about how great her sister was and how awful she is as a person. How this doesn’t segue into a performance of Billy Joel’s “Only the Good Die Young” with Finn and Kurt as background, we will never know.

We cut over to the choir room where Kurt and Finn talk about doing it for Jean where Santana sarcastically mentions how she’s all about putting the fun in funeral but wonders why would they ever help Sue. Rational question is rational. Finn explains that Jean was an outsider like the rest of them; he says this looking out at a bunch of former cheerleaders and a third of the football McKinley so his heart is in the right place if not his sense of awareness. Anyway, they need to celebrate and blah blah blah. Before the scene can devolve into some sort of prayer circle, Jesse St. James sweeps and d-bags all over this as he details as Vocal Adrenaline is busily practicing 24/7 and even says if somebody dies during a number, they use them as a prop like Weekend at Bernies’s. We're surprised that nobody in the Glee club ran and looked up the meaning of the word "practice" in a direction since it's such a foreign concept.
After a split second scene of Mr. Schue extending his help to Sue, we cut over to the rehearsals. Jesse St. James apparently took a class in reality show judging where he learned how to have both blistering and unhelpful critiques. We have little to no doubt that this very class is being offered somewhere. And that Paula Abdul is failing it. Miserably.

First up, Santana steps up to the microphone to sing “Back to Black.” Normally, we'd insert footage of the episod, but it's basically one performance of a person standing around after the next so we figured we'd play you to the audio and your creative little minds could come up with something more interesting.

We’re disappointed that this song isn’t being sung to Brittany as part of their never-ending lesbian storyline. Instead, it’s being used as a try-out song. Also, this makes us long for an Amy Winehouse tribute episode. Come on, can't you just see Kurt Hummel rocking the hell out of "Fuck Me Pumps" or Mercedes working out a soulful version of "Love is a Losing Game." Of course you can. Because you're brilliant. Anyway, Jesse St. James offers some hilarious critiques of Santana, almost none of which are on paper because he spent of the performance drawing a picture of a cat.

Up next, Kurt has the mistaken belief that he should be singing a whole song in that upper register. And that he should be doing “Gypsy” and the song “Some People” while wearing what could be called well-tailored Zubaz pants while paired with a vest. His hair is looking extra K.D. Lang during this number. Be thankful we're sparing you these visuals.

After the performance, Jesse St. James hilariously says, “You do realize that song was meant for a girl.” He also lists all the famous singers who sung the tool and says that Kurt wasn’t up to snuff. None of which is untrue but since it’s delivered by patron Saint of Assholes St. James to Sister Mary Martyr Kurt, we’re supposed to find this untrue?

We come back from commercials with Kurt complaining about St. James’ accurate critique. Mercedes hits the stage and busts out a fantastic version of “Try a Little Tenderness,” trying to wrap up the competition like a Christmas present.

After the performance, there is an odd exchange between Jesse St. James and Mercedes as he asks her how long she rehearsed her solo, and Mercedes looks at him like the word "rehearse" is just some vague concept she's heard in passing conversation. Mercedes scoffs that she doesn't rehearse but instead just feels her way through the music. Mind you, these are the people we're supposed to be rooting for.

Up next, Rachel gets up and sings “My Man" from "Funny Girl."

Of course, this is about Finn. Which Finn? We know Omar Sharif. We've seen countless of his films. YOU'RE NO OMAR SHARIF.

We’ll give Berry credit for using the exact same lighting from the film. Because she totally would and it’s a great detail on the part of the people of Glee.
“She may be difficult but she sure can sing.”---Kurt Hummel.

Mr. Schue, unable to make any important decision without changing his vest three times, tells the New Directions he'll let them know who is going to be the central figure of their show choir show by Friday.

We cut over to Sue, Finn and Kurt dealing with Jean’s stuff. She commands them to toss out everything. Kurt tries to comfort. Sue rebuffs all of this, leading to Kurt asking her exactly why she allowed them to help in the first place. Sue explains she was afraid that nobody would come to the service so that’s why she enlisted the Glee club kids, which would guarantee a full-house. I guess they aren’t social pariahs this week? One can never tell. Their popularity fortunes are as stable as the stock market.

We come back from commercial with Sue entering the funeral home of a garish blue color, dressed nicely in a suit. It's nice that the show decided to not outfit  her in some track suit of bereavement for the occasion. Sue finds out from Mr. Schue that the funeral home is packed with all the people Jean has made friends with over the years. If you didn't see that coming, shame on you. TWICE.

When she enters, Sue sees that Finn and Kurt have rearranged things to make it look like the set of Willy Wonka, her sister's favorite film as an instrumental version of "Pure Imagination" plays underneath the scene. The writers on this show aren't some much touching the heart strings as they are throttling them with an intense passion. Shameless? Absolutely. Effective? Doubly so.

After some words from the minister, Sue gets up and earns her Emmy nomination.

I mean, delivers a eulogy detailing how her sister always called her at ten because her body always told her that she wanted to hear her voice. But really, this is pretty much Jane Lynch's Emmy submission reel in one brief scene. Anyway, Sue breaks down and can't finish so Will, of course, gets up and reads the eulogy that Sue had written. Will finishes the speech for Sue. It’s a truly touching piece of writing, acting and directing. It's also the sort of thing that makes us annoyed at how slapdash the rest of Glee likes to be.

Next, if you didn’t start crying from the monologue, we’re pretty sure the Glee Club’s version of “Pure Imagination”is designed to ring every tear from your duct. What? You're not crying because of that. It's your damn allergies acting up. Here's a tissue, you lying bastard.

Speaking of tears, after the funeral, Finn dumps Quinn. Quinn flatly denies Finn’s break-up of her because all she cares about in life is being prom queen. Reach for those stars, Quinn. Anyway, Finn wonders why she doesn't care at all and Quinn whips her head, stares at him and has ONE SINGLE TEAR COMING DOWN HER FACE.

We don't know what is worse: Quinn's single tear of bad acting itself or the fact that the tear has gotten more screentime then several members of New Directions this episode? At this point, we'll call it a wash.

We come back from commercial with Mr. Schue and Jesse St. James. Jesse St. James comes to the conclusion that Rachel should be the person that the Glee club should build it's show around. Really? We went through all the rigors of auditions for them to come to the most obvious conclusion ever. Way to not waste time or anything.

Elsewhere, Sue reinstates Becky as a member of Cheerios and makes her captain because having a big heart is just as good as having the necessary talent. Great lesson, Glee.

We cut over to Sue in the teacher’s lounge. Sue does something truly shocking. No, we don't mean she gets arrested for the multitude of felonies she's committed over the season. That would be logical. Instead, Sue wishes the Glee club the best of luck on their ventures and decides to no longer go after the Glee clubs. We're sure this character development will last as long as any other plot thread on this show, but we will admit it's a truly nice sentiment from Big Bad Sue.

Terri shows up and saves the day, from herself. Terri announces that she’s moving to Miami and drops off some first class tickets. Hopefully, this time when Terri is in Miami, she will avoid plastic surgeons and rooftops.

Of course Emma walks out at that very second, wearing a refashioned Schue vest. See, they could've started their own line of clothing to help pay for New Directions to New York City. We're sure there is some untapped market of hipsters in Lima who would've gone crazy for it. Emma tells him she hopes that his new venture is forever because he deserves it, crying tears as she walks away.

Auditorium. Jesse St. James informs Rachel that she is singing lead vocals for the show as Finn, like all people on the show do at one point or another, lingers in the background.
We cut to the choir room as Mr. Schue pretty much invalidates the entirety of the storyline they had for the New Directions this episode by having them do group numbers and original songs. A totally productive use of time for all involved. So Mr. Schue starts handing out rhyming books to the kids as they start writing these brand new, GOING TO WIN NATIONALS songs barely a few days before they are on a plane to New York City. Awesome. Just awesome.

Finn stops Quinn to tell her how proud she is that despite their break-up, she has decided not to leave New Directions. Yes, she isn't so traumatize by the loss of your Frankenteen peen to give up going to Nationals, Finn. Quinn, for her part, tells Finn that she's not going to give up on New Directions, especially because she has a big surprise waiting for him in NYC. God willing, it's going to be the sudden ability to emote. But we doubt we're going to be that lucky.

And that's it for this week's Gleecap. Join us next week for the season finale! May the Gleek be with you!

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