Hey Gleeks. Well it all comes down to this. After 22 episodes, three fake recaps, countless songs, numerous eyerolls, a billion jank characterizations and an inhumanely large number of Bruno Mars tunes, we've finally reached the conclusion of season two of the Fox series "Glee." It's been a long,long, sometimes seemingly unending journey to Nationals, but we and the kids of New Directions finally have made it to the Big Apple. Will the kids of New Directions win Nationals? What will Quinn's big shocking plan be? Are there any people that like Rachel and Finn enough individually to muster the necessary give-a-crap to see if they get back together? All will be revealed later. But first, it's time for our second mini-recap of the second hour of the Oprah farewell party.
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| You have no idea how ridiculously easy it is to find a whole wide spectrum of crying Oprah .gifs |
While the first hour of the spectacular was okay, with Beyonce flogging her flop single in a stellar performance while people like Madonna came to sit at Oprah's royal throne to talk about how pretty much Oprah is the cause of everything from the sun shining to rainbows after storms to the discoverer of the cure for everything short of the common cold.
The second hour was the more deeply personal hour of the program as people like Tyler Perry, sadly not dressed up in Madea drag, talked about the 64,000 or so people that Oprah helped send to school with her scholarship program. We may mock Oprah for a multitude of things, but we have to give her credit for actually being one of the greatest philanthropists out there. We had appearances from Michael Jordan and Stevie Wonder. Maya Angelou also came to the show with a new poem. Sadly, it didn't reach the amazingness of "Maya Angelou reads Man-for-Man section of Craigslist" a la "The Big Gay Sketch Show." We also had an appearance from Oprah's longtime boyfriend/dependent claim on her taxes Stedman as well as Aretha Franklin doing the longest version of "Amazing Grace." No seriously, two minutes into the program, I sent a text to my friend Grant, asking if Aretha had actually verbalized any real words yet. The best part of the whole damn thing? Maria Shriver showing up to it because they filmed this spectacular the day that Arnold went public with the lovechild. Maria Shriver took the opportunity to not only honor Oprah but throw some mad shade at Arnold, much to our delight. Shriver told Oprah, "You have given me love, support, wisdom and, most of all, the truth." SNAP. THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED.
We'll be sure to tune in today to see how Oprah plans on ending her talk show. Maybe it'll turn out that her show is actually the afterlife.
Anyway, up next, we're getting our final Gleecap on of the season!
A whole lot of crap happened. Seriously. Just go look at our ABCs of season 2 of Glee if you want an in-depth look at things. Anyway, last episode Sue Sylvester's sister died and this made her heart three times bigger for the ten millionth time this year. Elsewhere, the Glee kids found themselves trying out for solo spots in front of Mr. Schue and Jesse St. James, who Mr. Schue was able to hire as a show choir consultant even though the club has like no funds. Anyway, Rachel wins at this because a) that's the correct choice and b) Kurt, Santana, and Mercedes all made bad choices in performance. Finn dumped Quinn in the parking lot of the funeral home, leading to Dianna Agron to shed one single tear of acting emotion. Genius. The episode ended with the kids of New Directions deciding to write original songs for the competition. And that's what you missed on Glee. Now onto the season finale!
Anyway, while they are busily standing around, Rachel informs the group that she bought a bunch of tickets for them to see the musical "Cats." In one of the greatest bits of WTF that has ever happened on this show, the writers want us to believe that QUINN FABRAY would know that "Cats" closed some 11 years ago and Rachel "BROADWAY THEATRE IS MY LIFE" Berry wouldn't. We just rolled our eyes so hard at this we may have literally knocked the world off its axis.
We cut over from Times Square to the hotel where the kids are lingering about. Puck is trying to order a drink at the hotel's bar, and the show wants us to believe the Andrea Zuckerman of this show would actually be carded by a bartender. Anyway, Mr. Schue ushers the kids into one hotel room while wearing a page boy hat because OF COURSE Mr. Schue would wear that when visiting New York City because you just know deep down inside he's always harbored a plethora of "Newsies"-related daydreams and wasn't going to miss this grand moment to at least tap into one. Mr. Schue tells the children they have to write their original songs while he dashes off for a little bit to go secretly work on "Crossrhodes," the abomination that is April Rhodes' musical tribute to herself. WHY WEREN'T THEY WORKING ON THIS ON THE PLANE? Sorry. Inside voice.
We come back from commercial to hear Artie and Brittany singing the original song they've worked on. It's called "My Cup." We have little to no doubt that this song was inspired by Brittany's favorite song of all times, "My Headband" by future Carole-King-in-the-making Rachel Berry.
Quinn thinks it is lame that they are all cooped up in the room and immediately decides they should go gallivante around because "the city will write the songs" for them. Will the city also be providing the necessary choreography as well? Whatever, it's such a stunningly stupid idea that we're not the least bit surprised that everybody goes along with because they, like us, love a good montage. What follows is probably the worst Old Navy commercial we've ever sat through as the kids of New Directions prance around New York City while doing some unholy mash-up of Madonna's "I Love New York" (a song with such apparently atrocious lyrics that I had to explain to the two ladies watching the finale with me that this was not, in fact, one of the original songs) and "New York" from the musical "On the Town."
WHO LIFTED ARTIE AND HIS WHEELCHAIR UP SO HE COULD GO WHEELING AROUND THE FOUNTAIN AT THE END? Granted, we're still trying to figure out who drunkenly carried Artie out of Rachel's basement during her big party in "Blame it on the Alcohol." Our minds, that may or may not be inquiring, want to know.
We come back from commercial with the guys of New Directions acting like they have an actual interest in what happens in Finn's love life. Puck and Sam both insist that Finn should ask Rachel out. Over in the girls' hotel room, they are getting into a pillow fight because this show hasn't met a dopey female stereotype it didn't like. Anyway, Finn sends Rachel a text message, talking about how they should meet in Central Park.
We cut over from here to an empty theatre so that Mr. Schue can sing a song from Matthew Morrison's new solo album. It's a truly bland tune, so beige in its quality it makes the David Cook songbook seem cutting edge in comparison.
Next up, Finn and Rachel go on their grand New York date. They go through Central Park as well make a brief stop at Sardi's, where they have a run-in with Broadway legend Patti Lupone. Of course she'd make an appearance on this show. It's sort of mandatory that she graces gay friendly network television shows, isn't it? LOOKING AT YOU UGLY BETTY AND WILL AND GRACE AND 30 ROCK. Anyway, she gives Rachel a little bit of advice about staying true to dreams and whatnot while also mentioning that she thinks Finn is cute. The years in the footlights have clearly done a number on her vision. Also, way to get an autograph for Kurt, Rachel.
The date comes to a conclusion with Finn and Rachel being serenaded by Artie, Sam, Puck and Mike Chang while Finn tries to coax Rachel into a kiss.
Rachel turns him down and goes running down the street from him like he was Mr. Big and she was Carrie Bradshaw. Meanwhile, the guys just keep singing. Touching.
We come back from commercial with Kurt waking Rachel up so they can go have breakfast at Tiffany's. We sort of adore that Kurt and Rachel would have about ten thousand items of clothing each to rotate through their brief stay in New York City. While grabbing a bite, the duo share that they both want to move to New York City to attend university; Blaine is also apparently on board and Kurt helpfully points out that Finn could help move furniture into their apartment.
Kurt and Rachel decide that they are going to break into the theatre where "Wicked" is playing. Somehow, they manage to get in without a problem and start meandering around the theatre. An employee catches them but luckily he's a Magical Negro Trope who allows them to take the stage and sing their little hearts out as Kurt declares "Wicked" one of the best musicals of all-time. Look at that, we rolled our eyes so hard again we've righted the world's axis.
We're like 20 minutes or so into this show and we're still trying to figure out if this a) an actual season finale of "Glee" or b) a really expensive promo by the New York City Chamber of Commerce.
Next up, we get to Quinn being all mad and angry about life, endearingly saying that Tina the Goth and Lauren the Fattie found love but not her. Well with such a winning personality, we're stunned that you haven't found your Prince Charming either. The show suddenly remembers that at one point Brittany and Santana were Quinn's friends so they comfort her and suggest that maybe she should cut her hair as a way of getting over the Finn break-up.
We move from this scene to the lobby of the hotel where Mr. Schue encounters Vocal Adrenaline coach Dustin Goolsby, who tells Will that he knows about him going to be on Broadway. Will, for whatever reason, seems surprised somebody would know about him STARRING IN A BROADWAY MUSICAL WHEN THEY ARE ALL IN NEW YORK. Anyway, Dustin hilarious d-bags about how New Directions are terrible and looked like they weren't baked properly. Meanwhile, Mr. Schue has a big moment of talking about how he's seen them grow (sure) and mature (LIES) and what a joy it has been.
We cut from this scene to up in the hotel room of the kids as Mr. Schue delivers them a bunch of pizza. The kids confront Mr. Schue about his plans to leave to come to Broadway. He quickly informs them that he is staying with them and not leaving. Yes, a storyline that has been lingering for the past few episodes was seriously rapped up in this truly haphazard and lackluster fashion. DEAL WITH IT.
We come back from commercial so Rachel can speak in the magical language of clunky exposition to talk about how many teams are competing and how only ten move onto the finals. They've apparently written their songs, which is good. We're surprised they didn't just try to improv this stuff while on stage, but we suppose that's what next year is for.
Anyway, we cut over to an all girl group doing their rendition of "Yeah" while doing an uncomfortably large amount of p-popping for a HIGH SCHOOL SHOW CHOIR.
Next up, Sunshine and Rachel have another meeting in the ladies room. They trade barbs at first until Sunshine talks about how she's so scared of the competition that she wants to deport herself. Rachel, always wanting a fair fight when it comes to these big competitions, encourages Sunshine to power through it. This? Totally makes up for sending her to a crackhouse. Maybe?
Anyway, Sunshine and the kids of Vocal Adrenaline take to the stage to sing a song penned for the show.
They should've saved their money on new songwriters and just paid for the rights to "Run to You" from "The Bodyguard" soundtrack as they are THE EXACT SAME TUNE.
Backstage, the kids of New Directions are setting up for their performance. Finn asks Rachel why, after months of begging for him back, is she not jumping for joy that he's come to the same conclusion about her. Rachel, for her part, let's Finn know that there is a lot more to life than his Frankenteen peen. The duo walk out to sing some lame-ass song called "Pretending."
Finn ends the song by making out with Rachel, to the stunned silence of everybody in the crowd. We're supposed to believe that nobody would applaud this until Mr. Schue started? Actually, the song sucked so we're actually okay with nobody cheering.
The kids of New Directions immediately go into their next song, the heavily Autotuned song "Light up the World." The writers must have lit up a few joints to think that this was a good song.
After the performance, Jesse St. James tells Finn that he basically sucks at life for making out with Rachel in the midst of competition and pretty much cost the whole thing for the club. Show, if you're trying to make me hate Jesse St. James, you should probably stop having him say things that are completely and totally accurate. Finn thinks of the kiss as the Superman of kisses. Really, at best it was the "Smallville" of kisses: started fine, went on forever and ended long after anybody cared.
The kids of New Directions go look at the board to see where they placed. Not in the top ten, bitches. So sad that your like HOUR of hard work coming up with original songs didn't pan out for you.
We come back from commercial and everybody is back in Lima as Kurt recaps what happened to Blaine post-kiss. Naturally, because this show hates women, everybody blames Rachel for the kiss on the stage while Finn is off in the corner. My god Finn, let us know when your testicles drop and you finally start manning up. Blaine also notes his agreement with Jesse St. James that it was totally unprofessional to make out during the competition, proving that the ONE TRUE PAIRING on this show should be Blaine and Jesse.
Anyway, Blaine tells Kurt he loves him in a wonderfully casual manner. Kurt, after a moment of hesitation, says that he loves him too.
Kurt also talks about a wonderful year he's had. You know, aside from having his life threatened by Karofsky. DETAILS.
Also, turns out that Sam and Mercedes are dating. We're sure that they are going to handle interracial dating with the kind of grace and maturity they handle all other sensitive topics on this show. Which means not at all.
We're pretty sure that everything that happens from here to the end is because the writers suddenly realized they had a crap ton of storylines to wrap up and decided to hastily due it within five minutes. Brittany and Santana share a moment where Brittany talks about how much she cares for Santana. Seriously, don't they have this exact same moment at the lockers at least once every other episode? Maybe?
Elsewhere, Finn and Rachel are sitting around the library together. Rachel hasn't bitchslapped him for not standing up to the group because that would make sense. Instead, she consoles him and says that art is all about taking risk. Okay, we're really saying that making out with the girl you want to date=art? Of course Rachel would say this. Anyway, Finn and Rachel decide they'll date and figure out what happens to them when they graduate sometime next year. Yay, you got to love to root for a couple that is already bracing itself for angst in the not-so-distant future.
The episode ends with everybody coming together in the choir room, where we're supposed to believe that QUINN would happily greet Finn and Rachel as they walk into the room holding hands. I.CAN'T. with this show. And thankfully, we're done recapping this show until the fall.
Thanks so much for being with us this whole season! See you in the fall my lovelies!
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