The Majak Mixtape - This Mixtape Majors

Pencils down Mixtapers! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, SNATCHING THE ANSWER KEY FROM YOUR FAVORITE edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when it skipped too many classes during the year. For lots of folks, the joys of sunbathing at the pool, vacationing with family or merely watching various parts jiggle about as people jog through town is temporarily interrupted by that dreaded thing called summer school. Stuck in a classroom while people frolic below, trying to learn all the things you paid no attention to in the first place, is like some academic equivalent of the hotel room from Satre's "No Exit."

Anyway, being the industrious folks that we are here at the Majak Mixtape, we decided to throw our hat into the ring before the much ballyhooed student loan bubble busts. And what better way to make some money for our pocketbook is to open our educational institution, to join our other business ventures like our lab, our grocery store, and our roller rink. We're going to educate the bejesus out of you so you can be able to get your SFA (stunning flawless amazing, of course) degree because knowledge, especially of trivial pop culture factoids and the latest music, is totally power. But before we take you on a tour of campus and introduce you to the bevvy of high powered professors we have on campus, let us put down our books and first:
(Spill the Tea)

Voulez vous a beatdown? According to a lawsuit, "Lady Marmalade" singer and R&B legend extraordinaire Patti Labelle allegedly told her bodyguards to beat down on a West Point cadet because he was standing too close to her luggage. The best part of this story? Camera footage shows the confrontation but also Ms. Labelle POSING FOR PHOTOS with two Houston police officers who have been called to investigate the matter. Who knew the po-po were such fans of "New Attitude"?

In other news, the seemingly never-ending, probably completely PR-driven story of Cheryl Cole's ouster from the American version of "The X-Factor" may be thankfully coming to a close as sources are saying the Girls Aloud singer has been offered her spot back on the show. We're sure if "Pussycat Dolls" singer Nicole Scherzinger wasn't busily launching her umpteenth attempt at a hit solo tune, she'd be furious at this turn of events as she had been shifted into Cheryl's position as a judge. According to sources, Cole's return seems to be dictated on the notion that her contract has a play or pay clause, meaning she'd get paid for a season's worth of the show whether or not she appeared. It's amazing how reading the fine print can suddenly make people throw open their arms and welcome people back. All this backstage stuff is probably going to a) be way more interesting than the actual show and b) make an AMAZING "E! True Hollywood Story" episode.

The MTV Movie Awards, for reasons completely unknown, continues to exist and aired last night. Allegedly it's an awards show, but for the most part, it's a three hour long attempt to get people to see various films this summer. "Twilight" dominated the awards, Justin Bieber somehow won most jaw dropping moment for his stupid concert film, Robert Pattinson made out with Taylor Lautner to the delight of slash fiction writers everywhere, Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake groped each other in a sad attempt to get people to see the OTHER film about no strings attached sex, and host Jason Sudekis poked fun at Blake Lively as well as the possibility that he may or may not be the father of actress January Jones' baby. Whew. That description gives the vague notion that it was interesting. Wrong. Absolutely wrong.

And that's just a little of the tea from the weekend. Now show us some school spirit Mixtapers as we go back to school!

Morning students! Welcome to Mixtape University, colloquially known by its moniker "Mix U." We're so glad to see so many bright young minds here in the hallowed halls of our fine academic institution. And the few of you who aren't bright, we appreciate that you're wildly attractive and are attending this school as part of our special Eye Candy Scholarship program, a program that exalts beauty over actual merit of any kind. We'd like to thank The CW for being the chief sponsors of the scholarship, as their casting on their various programs have been shining examples of everything that Eye Candy Scholarship stands for. Brava!

We here at Mix U would also like to thank Sonny Malone and Danny McGuire for providing the space for our lovely new commons. After reaching some incredibly tough times due to the economic recession, the duo decided to donate their nightclub to the university so they could write some of this off their tax bill because generosity and self-interest are two streets that often cross one another. No matter, we're so excited and thrilled at this donation that before we continue any further, we're going to kick things in their honor with a performance of the song "Xanadu," the name of their former club.

Lovely, just lovely. Now we move on to introduce our wonderful staff here at Mix U. We've searched high and low across the pop cultural landscape in order to bring the best teachers for our students here at Mix U. Up first, Professor Kanye West, who has a ph.d in conflated sense of ego. Prof. West heads up our swagger department, helping students to find their own misplaced sense of pomposity about everything little thing they do while sporadically offering excuses for their child-like temper tantrums. In honor of Professor West, we offer up his song "We Major" from his album "Late Registration."

Enlightening. Up next, professors Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson. The It Couple from "Glee" head our performance department, helping our students learn how to perform songs while applying thick amounts of Brill hair cream as well as vocalizing in a way that perpetually makes you look like you've misplaced your dentures. These things are crucial skills for those who intend on entering into the magical world of "Glee." Below, a snippet from Blaine Anderson's thesis on creating second hand embarrassment moments in public spaces by way of the unwise use of a song from the Robin Thicke discography.

Our next professor is Britney Spears, who will be teaching students how to maintain a rabid fandom without doing anything to warrant this in the past five or six years. She recently won a Nobel Peace Prize for breakthrough in hair flip choreography as shown in her numerous performance for tracks from "Femme Fatale."

Not to mention her high power hand dancing.

Our next professor is Zooey Deschanel, who helps with our Hipster Abroad program. Through her guidance, skill, flat line delivery and cute 1950s shirt dresses, Deschanel is able to send our most hipster of students to the most hipster of places, places so cool and edgy and underground they technically don't even exist yet. That's the kind of quality education that we provide here at Mix U. Below Zooey and M.Ward perform "Sentimental Heart" from their album "Volume One."

Heading our snark department is that fiery redheaded comedian known as Kathy Griffin. There was debate about whether to hire her or Chelsea Handler, but we decided that we actually, you know, hate Chelsea Handler that it would be best to have Ms. Griffin head the department. Through her guidance and her mother Maggie's box wine, students learn the best ways to spill the beans about famous folks. Below, Kathy dishes the dirt on a run-in with Whitney Houston from her first Bravo comedy special "The D-List."

We expect a lot of our students here at Mix U and that can lead to some stress. Sometimes you need somebody to talk to, to tell your problems to. We have a counselor on campus who is never afraid to ask, "How you doin'?" Of course, we're talking Ms. Wendy Williams.

And though we strive academic excellence here at Mix U, we also like to help the less fortunate. That's why we have a Help a Flopping Star program, where we help give jobs to underperforming stars. So when you're waiting in line in the cafeteria, be sure to say hello to Ciara as she cleans the plates.

Well we should let you get your studies. As always we wish you love, peace and downloads. NOW BRING ON THE ASHER ROTH ( who we will be talking about later this week on Throwback Thursday's special WTF HAPPENED TO . . .)

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