This Mixtape Wants to Thank All the Little People

It’s nice to see that network TV executives took time out of their busy schedule of trolling through the young adult section at Barnes and Noble for series ideas to scan through their Netflix queue for their latest attempts at a hit as CBS announced plans this week for the wholly unnecessary TV adaptation of the Cameron Diaz film “Bad Teacher.” The series will join A&E’s “Psycho”-related series “Bates Motel” and FX’s “Anger Management” in that special rank of TV adaptations of movies nobody ever asked for and are puzzled why they exist.

But being the poorindustrious writers that we are here at the Mixtape, we’ve decided to latch onto this trend and pitch a few ideas to various networks of some movie characters we think deserve their own television programs.

For HGTV we have “Stripping With Magic Mike.” HGTV has become the home of hunky male hosts doing home improvements so this would be a natural fit as Magic Mike and crew would come to a person’s house and strip their home of their tacky fixtures WHILE stripping clothes off themselves. You could pay Matthew McConaughey in just weed and bongos.
Who needs a Swiffer when you've got Channing's Stiffer
For CBS, we have “Le Amazing Race.” It would feature Jean Valjean globetrotting around the world, stealing baked goods from different countries while trying to stay out of the reach of Inspector Javert.
I tumblr-ed a tumblr of gifs gone by.
For VH-1, we have “Hitch Perfect,” a reality dating show for Fat Amy where the guys have to be able to hit a high G as well as a G spot in order to capture her heart.

Continue reading as we take on the Oscars, celebrity feuds and ask the always relevant question of what the fuck is wrong with Shia LaBeouf

Oh the Academy Awards, that magical time of year we pretend that the industry that could green light “Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters” can actually have the ability to judge artistic merit. As always, we here at the Mixtape are completely excited to see who wins, who loses and who looks unmitigated crap on the red carpet.

And what’s an awards show without a swag bag for people who don‘t walk home with an Oscar? Nothing, we tell you. Absolutely nothing. This year’s swag bag is valued at some $47,803 according to Bloomberg Business Week and will include such things as includes everything from vacations to Hawaii and Mexico to Windex and condoms.

Things we’re surprised aren’t in the goodie bag:
1. A get-out-of-jail free card 
2. A free stay at the rehab of the stars’ choosing
3. One of the Kardashians’ phone numbers
The Oscars usually clock in around 15 hours so we have helpfully decided to provide you with a drinking game to help you get through the ceremony in fine tipsy fashion.

Take a drink if you see Jessica Alba; take four drinks when you wonder how she still gets invited to these things.

Chug a bottle of wine every time it looks like Hugh Jackman is actually sexually attracted to his wife

Drink every time you ask yourself, “Whatever happened to Roberto Benigni?”

Drink every time you wish Neil Patrick Harris was hosting this instead

Drink every time you can clearly tell that somebody thinks the little girl from "Beasts of the Southern Wild" was in "Django Unchained."

Drink every time Ryan Seacrest hits somebody in the face with his microphone on the red carpet

Waterfall during the Oscars Lifetime Achievement Award

Drink if you miss the ridiculous of the once mandatory Oscars dance sequence

Drink every time you wish Russell Crowe hadn’t been invited to sing

Drink every time someone barely gets applause during the In Memoriam section

Chug your drink if somebody streaks

Drink every time Seth McFarlane sings

Drink every time Anne Hathaway acts like she doesn’t have this Oscar in the bag

Drink every time you wish Adele would segue from “Skyfall” into the Oscar-winning tune “It’s Hard Out There For a Pimp”

Take three drinks if you actually didn't black out during the Oscars while playing this drinking game

There are a lot of trends that come and go in Hollywood---musicals, 3D, Jack Black---but nothing remains quite as consistent as the allure of a celebrity feud. It’s like the little black dress if the little black dress knew how to subtweet a rival to filth. This week there has been such an influx of feuds that we’ve decided to compile them all together in a segment we’re calling:

First up, Azealia Banks and Diplo prove that the “Harlem Shake” destroys lives and ruins friendships as the two had it out with each other over Azealia Banks’ “Harlem Shake” remix that hit the internet this week.

Banks had recorded the tune back before the song spread across the internet faster than HPV at a Miami circuit party and released it online for free after Diplo and “Harlem Shake” creator Baauer refused to let her have it on her upcoming album. Banks decided to take the high road on this matter and decided to stay silent. Naw, we’re just fucking with you. Banks ranted on her Twitter, posted e-mails from Baauer on her Instagram, AND managed to call Perez Hilton a faggot. She is nothing if not good at multi-tasking her horrendous public relations.

Elsewhere, notoriously hot-headed actor Alec Baldwin found himself in a fracas with a New York Post reporter and photographer after allegedly threatening to choke the reporter to death and calling the photographer a coon. Aw, if you’re a lover of a good slur, this edition of the Mixtape is giving you all kinds of life right now isn’t it.

Lastly, Kelly Clarkson is none too pleased with music mogul Clive Davis as she is taking issue with Davis’ recently released memoir which has a chapter devoted to their stormy working relationship. Clarkson took offense to Davis’ description of her crying over the inclusion of “Since U Been Gone” on her album “Breakaway” while Clarkson says her only tears were over Davis hating her single “Because of You” and calling her a shitty writer. We can’t wait for Clarkson’s album which will undoubtedly have a song called “From to Kelly to Clive: Fuck You.”

Hey Rihanna, you know that awkward moment when your relationship with Chris Brown becomes the basis of an episode of “Law and Order: SVU”? Yeah, that’s happening next week.

"Law and Order: SVU"---Who Needs a Creative Mind When You Can Have TMZ Do Most of the Work For You

And now we ask the always relevant question of:
Our way with MS Paint continues to snatch the wigs off your fave doesn't it.

No seriously, what the fuck is wrong with him? The former “Even Stevens” star seems to have successfully graduated from the Amanda Bynes School of Hot Mess as he recently left a production of the play “Orphans” over “creative differences” and the promptly started posting private e-mails on his Twitter.

This is coming on top of admitting taking LSD to get into character, and then there were all of those fights. Lots and lots of fights.

And then there was that eight minute long music video where he got naked.

So you know, there is a lot of crazy to work with so we weren’t terribly surprised that his Broadway stint, especially opposite Alec Baldwin, didn’t exactly pan out. We were surprised at his replacement, Ben Foster, who also just happened to have starred in his own 1990s Disney Channel show.

In "White Lady Comics Be Trippin" news, Chelsea Handler went on "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" and started talking fondly about her boyfriend. So much so that she stopped herself and said, "Not to sound gay" which manages to still be less offensive to our sensibilities than her acting on that terrible sitcom she had for a split second on NBC.
She also detailed on how her boyfriend likes to "pretend hit her" in front of people. Aw, domestic violence, the comedy gift that keeps on giving until it goes to court-mandated anger management.
Seeking apparently not to be out-done in the foot-in-mouth department, "comedian" Lisa Lampanelli posted a photo of herself with "Girls" star Lena Dunham with the words "My nigga." Lampanelli went on to explain that she used the term because it, to her, means "my friend." You know what also means "my friend"? The term "my friend."
And finally, let us take a little trip to a thing we call:
Lindsay Lohan has made a nice little cottage industry suing folks, having received a settlement from E*Trade about a Super Bowl ad she thought referenced her.

Unforunately for La Lohan, her luck didn't extend to her lawsuit against rapper Pitbull and his rap verse in the hit song "Give Me Everything" that had a line about having it locked up like Lindsay Lohan. Lohan claimed in her lawsuit that the song would do damage to her repuation. That sound you heard was the world giving a collective sigh of "REALLY?!" Anyway, a judge this week tossed out the lawsuit.
See, Lindsay, if you had just sued to keep Pitbull from ever making music in general, we're pretty sure we all could've been behind you on that.
And with that we bid you a fond farewell.
Check back next week as we take on the Academy Awards. Until then, be safe and:

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