This Mixtape Didn't See Your Boobs But Did See Your Crappy Hosting

Seth McFarlane, your hosting of the Academy Awards got panned by a lot of people. Weird that a writer with very limited on-camera experience with a notoriously foul edgy sense of humor wouldn’t be the best choice for a family friendly awards show?

Now while McFarlane maintains he’ll never host the show again and Tina Fey has already put a kibosh on any notion of hosting the show, we here at the Mixtape have decided to helpfully come up with a list of potential Oscar hosts for next year’s ceremony.

If you’re hell bent on having a misogynistic, sometimes racist host at the helm of your awards show, you might as well have one with a stellar jawline.

Dr. Drew Pinsky
What better way to rehabilitate your image after the now fifth death of a cast member of “Celebrity Rehab” by turning the Academy Awards in the glitziest version of your program. Between the awards, there can be therapy and drug screenings.

Wendy Williams

If Joan and Melissa Rivers could be allowed near a red carpet for years, we don’t see why the queen of “How You Doin” shouldn’t be given the chance to host the show especially because she’d spend most of the time out in the audience, grilling people about who they’re banging and where they got their lacefront wigs from.

Jesus Christ

Hey, we’re just saying, he knows how to work a room obviously AND he could give us status update on how everybody in the In Memoriam section is doing now.

Keep reading for the Mixtape as we take on the week in pop culture. If you don’t, we’re going to chuck a shoe at you like you’re Harry Styles from One Direction.

Somewhere we like to believe that Lena Dunham and Taylor Swift have pooled their money together and sent Anne Hathaway a muffin basket for giving them the week off as the Internet’s favorite White female celebrities to hate. Faster than she could say, “It came true,” Hathaway spurred a whole new sub-genre of journalism devoted entirely to the pursuit of figuring out why people seem to hate her. A totally valid and honorable use of time and resources, obviously. It’s become so prevalent that we’re dubbing this situation:

We admit that looking for negative comments about celebrities on the Internet is about as difficult as finding sand in a desert, but the level of hate for the Oscar winning starlet is so strong you’d actually think she had some sort of personality that went past innocuously beige. And at least she didn't makes us loudly guffaw unintentionally during "The Dark Knight Rises" like Marion Cotillard and her death scene.

The website Gawker, a site that has never found a female celebrity it couldn’t irrationally hate, devoted a whole piece to the idea of Anne Hathaway hate, culling together articles about how she had allegedly practiced her speech to come off more likeable. Again, this is Anne Hathaway we’re talking about. Maybe we missed that moment when she called a police officer sugar tits or beat somebody up on the way to the Grammy Awards. Alcohol has a way of clouding our memory.

In honor of this, we kick off this Mixtape with Passion Pit and their “Constant Conversations” remix with Juicy J.

This sub-genre of journalism has also given rise to another subset: the Jennifer Lawrence vs. Anne Hathaway story where journalists discuss why everybody loves the “Silver Linings Playbook” star and hates Hathaway. The simplest answer we can come up with is that Miramax honcho Harvey Weinstein has compelled us to. If he could convince the viewing public that the bore-a-thon “The English Patient” was awesome, he’s pretty much able to do whatever he wants.

Going against the Weinstein would be a Hollywood sin which leads us to our next song called “Sacrilege” from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and their upcoming album “Mosquito.”

While people cringed at Anne Hathaway telling her Oscar “It came true,” people seemed to thrill at the every-girl-ness of Jennifer Lawrence’s tripping while receiving her Oscar. In a just world, Gwyneth Paltrow would appear out of nowhere and volunteer herself as tribute for Anne Hathaway, seeing she was once the go-to punching bag for the press. But that would require her to leave her daughter Apple in charge of her Goop newsletter, and we just don’t trust Apple’s instinct when it comes to choosing the right colon cleanses.

We don’t know if Hathaway can do anything at this point to be honest. We live in an age where calling a nine-year-old actress a cunt is considered an awesome punch line. But we’re sure that Anne can wipe away her tears with her Oscars envelope declaring her a winner.

And at the very least, she knows how Chris Rock felt as a child.

In other Oscar news, did Liam Hemsworth cheat on fiancee Miley Cyrus with “Mad Men” star January Jones? We’re still trying to figure out who thought January Jones’ fat suit from last season of “Mad Men” was the least bit convincing.
Betty Draper on the phone, most likely asking why she looks like she's about to star in a straight-to-DVD sequel to "Shallow Hal" or an unauthorized remake of "Precious."

And now for another edition of . . .

This week, embattled starlet Lindsay Lohan allegedly turned down a plea deal when it comes to her June car crash case where she is charged with lying to police officers and violating her probation. According to sources, the prosecutors wanted Lohan not to serve jail time but instead an extensive period of time in a rehabilitation facility. Lohan's response to all of this was a big "Hell to the no" as she thinks this would be punishment for something she didn't do.

Listen, at this point, Lindsay Lohan making an unwise decision is about as newsworthy as reporting that the sun decided to rise in the east and has plans of setting in the west. We get it. But there is something about the way that Lindsay Lohan manages to escape true punishment that is sort of mind-boggling. Jean Valjean did more time for stealing bread than all of Lohan's various bad acts combined.

Lindsay allegedly smelled of alcohol at the scene of her accident and there was a bottle of booze found near her car according to some sources. In Lohan's defense, it could've been because she was wearing the trendy new fragrance "J'Adore Detox." Or because she's a helpless lush. You know, it's a toss-up.

And proving that the only way Lindsay can catch a break at this point is falling down a flight of steps, the judge in her case ruled Friday that her lawyer Mark Heller is incompetent. The judge is ordering Lindsay to either find a new lawyer OR waive her right to have a competent lawyer. Given that years ago Lindsay waived the right to have competent scripts, we're not sure which way this is going to go.

In honor of all of this, our next song is Azealia Banks' cover of the Strokes tune "Barely Legal."

Hey Mixtapers! Have you been itching for a show about the trials and tribulations about what it's like to be a preacher's daughter? You haven't?! Well too fucking bad because Lifetime is making it happen with their creatively titled reality show "Preachers' Daughters."

The Bible says the meek shall inherit the earth; little known fact, it also says the attention-starved while inherit a reality show.

In other news, Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray fame had to cancel his Mark McGrath and Friends Cruise, most likely because nobody is going to spend $649 to be trapped out at sea on a boat with Sugar Ray, Spin Doctors and Smash Mouth.

Speaking of pathetic, let us take time to talk about this week's episode Rupaul's Drag Race and the sad performances of most of the queens during "The Snatch Game."

Outside of Alaska's hilarious take on Lady Bunny and Jinkx Monsoon's flawfree impersonation of Little Edie, the Snatch Game was just a hot mess of meh performances, mostly because the queens chose people who are all image and very little personality. We mean, Katy Perry? Ke$ha?  Other than her whipped-cream shooting bras and glitter, they don't have a lot to them. And how can you parody Janet Jackson, including a costume change, and not even flash one of your fake boobs.

Janet Jackson parody done right, hunty.

Lyneshia's take on Celia Cruz was what we'd imagine if they ever did a Telemundo version of "Golden Girls" would looklike so we're not surprised that she sashayed away.

We have some ideas for future Snatch Game participants.

Anybody from "Paris is Burning"

Mae West

Eartha Kitt

And with that, we bring this Mixtape to a close. Have a fantastic weekend and remember:

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