This is One Shady Mixtape

Oh the National Anthem, people are really trying to come for you star spangle-ness this week aren’t they? Taking a break from beating the “Harlem Shake” viral sensation to death, the lulz-y force that is the Internet decided to focus its attention this week on a petition to make R.Kelly’s song “Ignition (Remix)” the new national anthem for the United States because nothing says AMERICA quite like a song about getting shitfaced in a club.
We’re not a 100 percent convinced that Dave Chappelle isn’t behind this.
While we admire the ambition behind this movement, we here at the Mixtape couldn’t help but wonder if there are even better song choices to be awkwardly sung before sporting events so we’ve decided to put together a little list we’re dubbing:
First up, Lana Del Rey’s appropriately titled song “National Anthem” from her album “Born to Die.”

Nothing quite symbolizes the American Dream like Lana Del Rey. If a well-connected, attractive, wealthy White girl can make it in this country, so can you. So can you, Mixtapers.
Next up, David Bowie’s “Young Americans” from his album also titled “Young Americans.”

You know what the National Anthem needed more of? Saxophone solos.
And finally, if we’re going to back to 2003 to get our new national anthem, shouldn’t it be the number one song from that year, a song that also was all about the club?

The fact that 50 Cent no longer produces songs that assault the American airwaves shows that he truly does love his country.
Continue reading as we take on another week of pop culture fuckery.

There are a lot of ways that celebrities differ from you and I but being messy on a social networking sites is something that ties us all together. What makes for a publicist’s nightmare is something we live for as this week found a bounty of celebrities shading one another because money may buy you a lot of things but tact ain’t one of them. We celebrate all of this hateration in a segment we’re dubbing:
This week saw “1, 2 Step” singer Ciara releasing her new single “Body Party” from her upcoming album “One Woman Army,” a title she must have come up when she looked at sales for both “Fantasy Ride” and “Basic Instinct.”

With a brand new single, you’d think that Ciara would be on her promo grind, performing all over the place. And you’d be right, in a way, as Ciara took to her YouTube account to post video of herself singing a part of “Body Party” while standing in a bathroom since, you know, her career is in the toilet already. See Ciara, you’re just making it way too easy for us.

Apparently we weren’t the only one to pick up on the glorious lawls of it all as Rihanna and her friends posted a photo of themselves cackling at Ciara’s bathroom performance. What Rihanna lacks in good judgment with men or being on-pitch in live performances or stage presence or choreography or clothes that don’t look like they came from an extra in a 1990s John Singleton movie, she more than makes up in her ability to snatch Ciara’s lacefront.
The pair notoriously got into a Twitter squabble a year or two ago that included Ciara tweeting, “Trust me Rihanna u don’t want to see me on or off the stage” and Rihanna pithily replying, “Good luck booking that stage you speak of.” Experts say that Ciara is still applying anointment to her scalp from having her weave so expertly pulled out.
Elsewhere, Kelly Rowland of Destiny’s Child came to the defense of fellow group member Michelle Williams after singer Keyshia Cole took to her Twitter to insult Michelle’s contribution to the Super Bowl performance of Beyonce. Cole wrote that Williams is “always fucking up the groove.” Anybody who has listened to a Destiny’s Child song and gotten to the obligatory Michelle Williams bridge can ask, “Where’s the lie?” in Cole’s statement.
In a sign of sisterly solidarity, Rowland told Rolling Stone magazine that she wasn’t terribly bothered by what Cole said because they “matter to a lot more people, with all due respect, than her.” Yes Ms. Kelly, give us that school teacher realness because you just read Keyshia Cole in front of all the kids.
In another, even more irrelevant part of the Internet, Keri Hilson had a breakdown on her Twitter after suffering years of abuse from Beyonce fans who are still mad over Hilson allegedly shading Beyonce in her “Turnin Me On remix” with Lil Wayne. Proving that no good shade goes unpunished, Hilson has never quite been able to live it down, including this hilariously impassioned YouTube video about the matter:

Apparently the attacks have proven too much as Hilson wrote on her Twitter the following statement:

"I'm here for MY FANS! I'm stronger than you imagine, but waking up/goin to bed to your ugliness is just TOO MUCH, kids. I get it, ok? You can stop now.”
Normally, we’d feel really bad about this Internet bullying but then we remembered having to sit through Hilson’s video “The Way You Love Me” and got over it.

There is more grease on Keri Hilson’s body in this video than in most fryers at Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles.
Don’t think that ladies are the only ones fighting with one another as Alec Baldwin and Shia LaBeouf continue their feud after LaBeouf quit the Broadway play they were supposed to do together. The Baldwin/LaBeouf feud is like if two boxes of Summer's Eve got into a fight. No matter who won, it's still a douche.
Alec Baldwin threw all kinds of insults in the direction of LaBeouf when recently asked about the situation and LaBeouf’s take on theatre on being for “the brash” and not “bureaucratic academics.” Baldwin responded with:
“I can tell you that, in all honesty, I don’t think he’s in a good position to be giving interpretations of what the theater is and what the theater isn’t. I mean, he was never in the theater. He came into a rehearsal room for six or seven days and, uh — you know, sometimes film actors — I mean, there are people who are film actors who have a great legacy in the theater. Some of the greatest movie stars had really serious theater careers and still do. And many film actors, though, who are purely film actors, they’re kind of like celebrity chefs, you know what I mean? You hand them the ingredients, and they whip it up, and they cook it, and they put it on a plate, and they want a round of applause. In the theater, we don’t just cook the food and serve it. You go out in the garden and you plant the seeds and you grow it. You know, it’s a really very, very long, slow, deliberate — it’s the opposite of film acting. It’s a much more intensive and kind of thoughtful process. And there are people who that’s just not their thing. So for those people who I think it’s not their thing, I’m not really interested in their opinion of it. But thanks.”
It’s been said before but apparently needs to be repeated: don’t fuck with Jack Donaghy.
LaBeouf responded in his now typical fashion of releasing personal e-mails for the public to read with the director of the play talking about Baldwin’s inability to have a script memorized before they start rehearsals, hilariously saying, “I did a reading of another play with Alec and about ten minutes in I thought, ‘Oh, I guess he’s just going to read it.’”
In honor of all of this beautiful shade, we present the new single from She and Him:

Hey Mixtapers, have you ever wondered what Olympic swimmer and himbo-extraordinare Ryan Lochte’s like when he’s fully clothed and out of a pool? Neither have we but that hasn’t stopped E! from giving him a reality show.

E!: The E now stands for Excruciating.
Speaking of commercials, please tell us you’ve seen Oscar winner Octavia Spencer now shilling for the weight loss product Sensa:

That’s what that shit pie from “The Help” needed. Some Sensa sprinkled on top.

Is there anybody out there that is going to be surprised when Sensa turns out, years from now, to be something that kills you? Anybody? Didn’t think so.
And we end this Mixtape with Terrence Howard talking about Oprah’s boobs. Yep. You read that correctly.

We’re sorry. We shouldn’t have written boobs. We should’ve said “tig ole bitties.” We’re not the least bit surprised by Terrence Howard saying this as he’s been known to make the odd statement, though nothing quite holds a candle to that interview he gave to Elle magazine a few years ago that included such gems as:
“"I like women who look like me. Generally, you're attracted to women who look like you, because the most beautiful thing in nature is your own reflection."
And his biggest turn-off:
"Toilet paper - and no baby wipes - in the bathroom. If they're using dry paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. So if I go in a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean."
In honor of this, we end this Mixtape with Goldroom’s song “Only You Can Show Me.”

And with that Mixtapers, we end this week's Mixtape. We hoped you have a fantastic weekend and remember:

No comments: