This Mixtape Is Not a Belieber

T his week cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church gathered together and made a momentous decision this week. No, they didn’t decide to change the color of their robes to a more slimming color than red. Instead, they announced they had picked a new pope in the form of Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Argentina, making him the first non-European pope in more than 1,200 years and thus proving the Catholic Church just has a really, really slow time table when it comes to being progressive.

We’ve heard many reasons why Bergoglio was chosen to become Pope Francis, but we really like to believe he clinched the deal by performing a stunning rendition of “You Must Love Me” from the “Evita” soundtrack.

With the new pope chosen, we can officially shift our attention back to the way more important replacement that needs to happen: who’s going to be taking over for Joy Behar on “The View”? Ever the helpful folks here at the Mixtape, we’ve come up with a short list of options for the opening.

Kathy Griffin

There is word out that the producers want Brooke Shields for the job but if you’re going to be trolling through the cast of “Suddenly Susan” for a new co-host, you might as well go with Griffin. She’s sassy boarding on obnoxious and has no problem discussing in public what kind of lube that Barbara Walters likes to use which would make her a perfect co-host for the show. Plus, we’d just want to see if she could get fired faster than Rosie O’Donnell.

And if it can’t be Kathy Griffin, it should be her BFF Anderson Cooper

We’d love to have Anderson Cooper on the panel, just because he would read Elisabeth Hasselbeck to filth on a daily basis. Plus our mornings would be so much better if got to have a cup of coffee while Anderson had one of his giggle fits.

And finally, why don’t you just replace Joy Behar with Fred Armisen’s Joy Behar?

We mean, “Portlandia” is super popular but one can not live life on IFC checks alone can you? Of course not.

Continue reading the Mixtape as we talk Justin Bieber meltdowns, celebrity hacking, political news and so much more! And you better have a second wig on because we are snatching them all today.

It’s a tale as old as time. Or at the very least Leif Garrett. Teen idol makes the hearts of an adolescent nation swoon while topping the charts and then soon finds himself/herself facing younger competition, an aging demographic and just the general awkwardness of transitioning from cute youth to hot adult in front of the eyes of an eager, often brutally honest public. Justin Bieber seems to be in the midst of that awkward transition and this week has been a pretty big shit show for him which sucks for him and is a boon to us because one person’s bad life decision is this person’s next Blogger post.

Justin Bieber has just been acting a fool and we are living for it. Last week, the Bieber got in touch with his inner Alec Baldwn and threatened to beat up a photographer while in London.

It’s really hard to take Justin Bieber serious when he continues to dress like a character from “The Hip Hop Kids” sketch from SNL.

And besides, if he really wanted to make that photographer suffer, he should’ve just started blasting the acoustic version of “Beauty and the Beat.”

And if he isn’t fighting with a photographer, he’s passing out before a show and needing oxygen. And if he isn’t doing that, he’s canceling a show in Portugal due to low ticket sales. And if that isn’t occupying his time, he’s getting booed by bans for showing up late to his concert.

But the best part of all of this is when one hot mess decides to fling shade at another one, which is exactly what Bieber did when he posted a lengthy rant on his Instagram account to counter the growing tide of people who think he’s becoming a bit of handful. He called out folks who were saying he was turning into Lindsay Lohan by writing: “"... to those comparing me to Lindsay Lohan look at her 2012 tax statements ;)"

Justin Bieber later re-posted the message sans the Lindsay Lohan remark as if one can merely just retract shade that easily. I mean, we go after Lindsay Lohan all the time but we’re nobodies. Bieber making fun of Lindsay Lohan's financial situation is like giving a kid an aluminium bat to hit a pinata without even putting a blindfold on him.

In honor of Bieber acting a fool and being able to do what he wants with little consequence we start this Mixtape with AlunaGeorge's cover of "The Jungle Book" tune "I Wanna Be Like You."

Hey Mixtapers, have you been struggling to find out who your baby daddy is but find going to a proper medical facility way too intimidating? Well have no fear, Identigene is here for you.

Identigene: Located next to the condoms you both should’ve purchased in the first place.

And now for another round of:

This week actress Michelle Williams has found herself embroiled in controversy for dressing up in stereotypical Native American garb for a magazine shoot.

The level of cultural appropriation in this one photo is so high we’re not quite sure that Gwen Stefani wasn’t the hired stylist for the shoot.

Looking Hot - No Doubt from Heber Pailos on Vimeo.

We just want to know who, in their right mind, thought that this was remotely a good idea. Probably the same people who thought putting Claudia Schiffer in blackface and an afro.

An added bit of lawls to this whole thing is the headline for it is “No Place Like Home.” Weird, we wonder if there is a group of people that, like Dorothy, found themselves, due to outside forces, leaving their home and trying to get back to it. Not ringing any bells at the moment though.

DANCE BREAK

This week saw the meeting of the Conservative Political Action Conference where the movers and shakers within the conservative wing of the GOP gather together. And like any sort of gathering, who is left off the guest list is almost always more entertaining than the people that make it in.

The biggest snub was of enigmatic New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, a person a lot of people feel might eventually become the Republican nominee for the 2016 election. When asked about the lack of an invite for Christie, CPAC chairman Al Cardenas said:

"This year, for better or for worse, we felt like, ah, like he didn't deserve to be on the all-star selection, ah, and, for decisions that he made. And so hopefully next year he's back on the right track and being a conservative," Cardenas said. "He's a popular figure, but everyone needs to live by the parameters of the movement."

Cardenas was also quoted as having this particular philosophy about how he thinks the Republican Party needs to be:

"I'm a firm believer that if the Republican Party's going to have success, it's going to do so by being a conservative party and not a home for ah, for everybody."

Nothing says “in touch with the masses” quite like sounding like a 1950s country club. We guess that makes Herman Cain the lawn jockey.

In honor of all the tears that will be shed over losing to President Obama, our next song is Best Coast's cover of Roy Orbison's song "Crying."

Former presidential hopeful Mitt Romney will be speaking at the event. Maybe he’ll give a shout-out to the dude who ruined his chances by leaking that video of making that “47 percent” comment as the guy behind it revealed himself this week.

Turns out, he was a bartender at the event. This is why you tip people. The person who makes your mojito today can ruin your political chances tomorrow.

In honor of this, we present Jonas Rathsman's tune "Bringing You Down."


And with that, we bring a close to another Mixtape. And remember: