This Mixtape Got 99 Problems But Off Pitch Ain't One

Oh reality shows, where hope and aggressive mediocrity spring eternal. This week saw the release of the super trailer for the brand new VH1 reality series “Off Pitch,” focusing around La Crosse’s very own adult show choir the Grand River Singers (more on all of that later, hunty). 

With promotion kicking into high gear for the series, we here at the Mixtape started thinking of other things in La Crosse that would make for brilliant reality shows because nothing there is nothing like making a tidy profit off the desperate, fame-seeking desires of others. Right? Right.

Think of it as like “Gorillas in the Mist” but the gorillas are homophobic, misogynistic douche bags dressed in Aeropostale. We’d follow a set of bros in their natural habitats including The Library, Brothers and Coconut Joe's as they take time out of their busy schedules of doing Insanity workout videos to binge drink and try to score some fun girl for the evening.  They laugh, they fight, they have an obscenely high amount of homoerotic sexual tension.  And if that isn’t interesting enough for you, the cost of this show would be minimal. You literally would only have to pay the cast with Affliction muscle tees and Buckle jeans. 

NBC has “The Voice.” Oxygen has “The Face.” ABC has “The Taste.” We’d like to introduce “The Shot,” the reality show that would combine two of our favorite hobbies: getting drunk and judging people as we’d put bartenders to the test of coming up with the best shot in weekly challenges that would test their creativity as well as our liver. We would naturally be the host of the show and if RuPaul can have her Pit Crew, we’d have our Shot Boys. Shaken and stirred, honey.

Before there was Sweet Brown, there was La Crosse’s very own Peaches.

Famous for strutting around La Crosse in a variety of colorful outfits, we would all watch the living crap out of a Peaches reality show.

And if doesn’t work out, she totally could become the newest member of Grand River Singers for season 2 of “Off Pitch.” We all got time for that.

Continue reading as we take on the Grand River Singers, the season finale of Girls and all the celebrity tea worthy to spill. Shake your booty, gurl.

Before we begin this Mixtape, we'd just like to state that we adore and love everybody in Grand River Singers. Now, that we have that out of the way, time for us to mock the living shit out of them.

There have been so many thought-provoking series that have illuminated the VH-1 landscape over the years like “Breaking Bonaduce,” “My Fair Brady,” and “Fantasia For Real.”

Joining this pantheon of reality television excellence is “Off-Pitch,” a scripted within an inch of its life candid reality show following the  adventures of La Crosse’s self-proclaimed “ambassadors of music,” the Grand River Singers.

Aw the Grand River Singers, a group that has never met a weave or a piece of glitter they didn’t like as they jazz-hand their way across the Tri-State area in their bid to bring middling high energy entertainment to the under-whelmed enthusiastic masses. 

Between all the high kicks and the spray tans, the group has been able to raise a substantial amount of money for art scholarships for local youth. Who says acts of charity can’t involve splits and a costume change? NOT I, my Mixtapers. Not I.

This week saw the release of a “super trailer” for the group’s upcoming reality show. If you’ve ever wanted to know what it would be like if you took “Glee” musical numbers, the Midwest satire of “Drop Dread Gorgeous” and the intense waves of secondhand embarrassment of “Waiting For Guffman” and put them all together with a dash of talking head segments of “Modern Family,” your prayers have been answered.

We can already tell that GRS member Josh is already being positioned as the breakout star with the amount of time given to him in the trailer for the show. It's probably because of his combination of 1980s rocker beauty and his adorably Bullwinkle brain. We've already decided to dub him "Honey Bon Jovi."

We also appreciate the fact that the head chiefs of GRS, Rob and Tim, are basically dressed like the gay couple from "Best in Show."

And if the series is going to be filled with confrontations as awkward as the one between Steven and Greg, we are totally in because there is no better place to have a totally producer-driven candid come-to-Jesus meeting than next to frozen chicken patties at a Festivals grocery store.

Since the announcement of the series, there has been a whole lot of pearl clutching around social media about the series potentially putting La Crosse in a bad light, which we find sort of ridiculous; La Crosse at one time was known nationally for allegedly having a serial killer throwing dead people into the Mississippi River so we’re pretty sure it can withstand some questionable, well-meaning choreography that can't be anymore awkward than a Miley Cyrus "twerking" video.

“Off Pitch” debuts on April 17 and you can best believe we are going to be recapping it to filth, Mixtapers. If we can withstand four years of Lea Michelle making this face while singing on "Glee":

We can pretty much survive anything.

We interrupt this Mixtape for a:
Who knew that Naomi Campbell was equally adept at throwing shade as she is hurling a cellphone at an assistant’s head? Well we all do now as Naomi uses a very pointed tone to call out Coco Rocha's questionable use of purple lipstick.

And now we take on the second season finale of "Girls" in a segment we’re calling

Here’s the thing about the difference between season 1 and season 2 of “Girls.” Season 1 was like a pop star’s big hit album, filled with lots of catchy hits and some boring filler. But it at least showed promise and some sense of direction. Season 2 of “Girls” is like when that pop star comes out with his or her sophomore album and tries to make some bid for artistic merit by suddenly going all dark and twisty. This season was basically Lena Dunham’s “My December” to her first season's "Breakaway."

The season finale found our self-involved ladies pretty much back where they started: Hannah in the arms of Adam, Marnie back with Charlie, Shoshanna being single and Jessa being a non-motherfucking factor. Such growth.

In honor of these ladies, our next song is "She" by the amazing singer Laura Mvula.

Whatever point Lena Dunham seemed to have in season one pretty much dissipated by the middle of season 2 as plots seemed to go nowhere faster than Alyssa and Coco’s feud on “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” And the few points that Dunham seemed to be making got lost among a lot of meandering plotlines.

A lot of the press that has surrounded Girls has been how it’s a more realistic, grittier version of Sex and the City. All the nope in the world on that belief. Just because these privileged white people look like shit while being self-involved doesn’t make it any more grounded in reality than the haute couture mess that was “Sex and the City.”

Whatever “Sex and the City” and its problems were (so many puns), you could at least say it has some sort of point-of-view. “Girls” is pretty aimless. In the hands of better writers, actors, directors, craft service people, this could be some sort of meta-commentary on the characters. But nobody on this show is that talented, and it’s pretty much devolved into a series of vaguely connected vignettes with one of the various themes: a. Hannah is pathetic, b. Marnie is pathetic, c. Shoshanna is comparatively less pathetic, d. Jessa is a special butterfly.

If this season has taught us anything, it’s that apparently nobody in New York City is having a good time ever. Or if they are, they clearly aren’t hanging out with Hannah and her crew, which actually makes total sense.

In honor of "Girls" and hopefully a change in better quality for its third season, we present Postal Service and their newest tune "Turn Around."

Two months ago, Justin Timberlake put out this gloriously stupid promo for his new album “The 20/20 Experience” that’s out this week.

This week, Andy Cohen decided to do dead-on parody of said video for promotion of the upcoming “Real Housewives of Atlanta” three-part reunion.

Now let us do what?!

In a blow to true love everywhere, Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough decided not to re-up her bearding contract to break up. The two cited their busy schedules as the cause for the break-up as Seacrest has probably been too busy trying to get a film crew inside of Kim Kardashian’s uterus.

In other news, Jessie J shaved her head for charity. We’d all be happier if she had shaved off some of that melisma from her singing repertoire instead.

In total random celebrity news, Redfoo of LMFAO is trying to bring his party rocking ways to a tennis court near you as there are reports that he’s now attempting to be a professional tennis player. Who knows. Maybe John McEnroe would have been a lot nicer on the court with AutoTune.

You know when it’s a slow celebrity news week? When there is a story on Huffington Post devoted solely to the size of Don Draper’s dick. Apparently, Jon Hamm's tendency not to wear underwear combined with his form fitting attire has caused quite the stir on set.

Our favorite part of this story is that there is a whole YouTube video devoted to just highlighting this.

In honor of King Kong Don, we end this Mixtape with The Hood Internet's awesome Daft Punk/Justin Timberlake mash-up.

Have a good weekend my little Mixtapers. And always, remember:

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