Hello Mixtapers! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, snatching the sequins off of your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape. We are less than two weeks away from the debut of the Grand River Singers reality show “Off Pitch” and we couldn’t be more excited for that train wreck to finally pull into our television station.
In the newest promo, VH-1 highlights the stress and drama of waiting to be chosen to be in GRS as Robert Jones announces the latest lineup of folks. Due to the super trailer pretty much giving away who makes it into the group, this has about as much dramatic tension as an episode of “House Hunters.”
Does Marcia make it into the group? Hopefully she does, if only because of her ninja ways with a microphone.
Since we are the eternal optimists, we’re just going to assume that the VH-1 will see the
utter desperation for any shred of fame talent of the cast has and starts making spin-offs for them. And since we are not only optimists but also shamelessly riding the coattails of folks like we’re one of Destiny’s children filled with creative ideas, we’ve decided to pitch a few “Off Pitch” spin-off ideas for VH-1 and other networks.
“Love and Jazz Hands.”
We’re a huge fan of the utter ratchet mess that is the “Love and Hip Hop” franchise on VH-1. The second season of the Atlanta edition is debuting this month and VH-1 just released the “super trailer” for it.
We think they should take some of the cast members and pluck them into a gritty urban environment. Show choir vocals would be so much more amazing with some chopped and screwed production. And besides, we just really want to watch GRS member Nicholas rip the weave out of someone’s head while singing “Firework."
"Rob and Tim's Show Choir Takeover"
Our next idea is that Rob and Tim get in touch with their inner Tabatha Coffey and travel around to different middle school/high school show choirs that are floundering and help them step their game up. All they would have to do is play footage from “Off Pitch” to show them what not to do.
“Project Runway: Show Choir Edition.”
Let us be real, it couldn’t be any worse than this current season. Lifetime could gather designers from all across America to design outfits for show choirs. The true challenge of it all would to make people of all shapes and sizes look like the same level of shit. Not an easy task, but we’re sure through grit, determination and more glitter than a Ke$ha urine sample, these designers could pull it off. Instead of saying “Make it work,” Tim Gunn could say, “MAKE IT SING.”
Heidi Klum would conclude the episode with, “In show choir, sometimes you’re on key and sometimes you’re not. I’m sorry, you’re off-pitch.”
Now get into an all-new Mixtape. Get into all of it as we bid a fond farewell to the Matt Harter era of La Crosse and brew us a cup of celebrity tea.
Have yourself a seat.
Oh elections, how we love you, mainly because stuffing a ballot box is the closest we usually get to being a top. This week saw Tim Kabat elected as the new mayor of La Crosse, bringing a close to the glorious four years that were the Matt Harter era.
Oh Mayor Harter, how we’re going to miss you. We loved everything about because you always were able to provide us with so much fodder. You were like a real life version of the Bobby Newport character from “Parks and Recreation,” expertly played by Paul Rudd.
Back in 2009, Harter was elected mayor of La Crosse at the ripe old age of 24. Yes, 24. You read that right. We even went on Harter’s Wikipedia page to verify this fact. And yes, Mayor Harter even has his own Wikipedia page. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mathias_Harter) This victory made a) Matt Harter the youngest mayor in the history of La Crosse and b) the rest of look like unbelievable slackers.
In honor of this, we kick off this Mixtape with Majical Cloudz and their song “Childhood’s End.”
Our favorite thing that ever came out of the Harter era was his calendar scandal that happened fairly early on in his term. Mayor Harter appeared on the cover of an annual fundraising calendar done by the local radio station 95.7 The Rock. Harter went as far as signing copies of the calendar and even lent his voice to ads promoting it, saying, “Hi, I’m Mayor Matt Harter, and I approve this calendar.”
Unfortunately for Harter, approving this calendar meant co-signing a bunch of photos of half-naked women on pool tables and tractors. It was an idea OBVIOUSLY stolen from the yearly Supreme Court Justice Christmas card.
When faced with this criticism, Mayor Harter let it be known that he never actually flipped through the calendar. We never really bought that idea since it was a calendar and not a picture-less book.
We’re going to miss you Mayor Harter, if only because there was something sort of awesome about bumping into the mayor of our town at wristband night at The Library. In case you return to your family’s trash and recycling business, we have the perfect song for you. It’s Tyler, the Creator’s tune “Trashwang” from his new album “Wolf.”
We interrupt this Mixtape to remind of that moment when Megan Draper thought it was a good idea to do this for her husband Don on last season of “Mad Men.”
The new season of “Mad Men” starts this Sunday, and we are totally excited for reasons actually not connected to Jon Hamm’s penis. We know, shocking.
Things we want to happen in Season Six:
1. Fired employee Sal takes time out of his busy schedule trolling parks for tricks and makes a reappearance in a remount of "Bye, Bye Birdie."
2. January Jones never dons that horrendous fat suit again.
3. Peggy Olsen gets high again.
4. Zosia Mamet appears again, this time in dual roles of both her lesbian photographer character AND Shoshanna from “Girls.”
5. We see Donald Draper’s penis.
DAMN IT. Almost made it through that list without referencing it. Sorry not sorry about it.
Speaking of “Girls,” the actor who plays Charlie has decided to quit. Sources close to the actor say he was unhappy with the direction the show was going. Sounds like somebody finally decided to marathon episodes of season 2.
Less tears, more white girl twerkin next season.
Hey Mixtapers, have you ever been sitting around and thought to yourself, “Gee, I really love songs about blowjobs, but I just can’t seem to find one with a terrible enough metaphor?” Well you’re in luck because 98 Degrees have decided to rectify this situation with their latest effort titled “Microphone.” The song has such Grammy-worthy lyrics like:
“Put this in your hands (Put this in your hands!)
And hold it up to your lips
We can be a two-piece band
And make some hits while you sing in this microphone”
Oh electronic cigarettes, the new favorite D-list celebrity endorsement. First we had Stephen Dorff endorsing them.
This week saw Courtney Love deciding to take a break from being a mess to unveil her new ad campaign for an electronic cigarette.
Electronic cigarettes endorsements: where the only ash is the remains of your once promising career.
This week, Snoop Dogg put out a new single with, of all people, Miley Cyrus. Normally we’d be rolling our eyes at this collaboration but since Snoop Dogg once did a song with the boy band Big Time Rush, this is actually a step up in the world. Make of that what you will.
At this point we’re pretty sure we could get Snoop to do a song with us as long as we booked a studio and had enough weed.
We end this Mixtape saluting one of our favorite movie critics, Roger Ebert. After a tumultuous battle with cancer, Ebert died the age of 70. You will truly be missed. But we’ll always have the reviews. And we will also have “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls,” the absolutely bonkers movie you wrote with Russ Meyer.
As always, thank you for reading and have a wonderful weekend. And remember:
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