Buses were bought. Replacements were found. Apples were fest-ed.
On last week's "Off Pitch,"
the producers of the show Rob and Tim decided to purchase a bus for Grand River Singers so they could make those long journeys of five minutes across the bridge to Applefest in style and comfort. The group were whipped up into a frenzy of delight and wonderment as they got to not only paint the bus but also audition for solos for their upcoming performance. And speaking of performances, with GRS member Drew not being able to make it, Rob found himself donning a sparkly jacket and hitting the stage with the GRS kids while talking sadly to the camera about how he missed performing. And then he started singing "Rose's Turn" from "Gypsy." Okay he didn't do that. But now that we've put that idea out there, you now want this to happen in Season 2 don't you? Of course you do.
This week, GRS take on Rob's bitchy attitude, make a music video and spring a flash mob on unsuspecting shoppers just trying to get some groceries.
We open the episode with GRS rehearsing a song that surprisingly ISN’T The Song That Dare Not Be Named and Rob doling out mini-American flags for the singers and Tim saluting this glory.
|We salute your upper body.|
It reaches levels of patriotism not seen since "Magic Mike."
After the credits, we open with the Grand River kids sitting around a campfire. Sadly, this doesn’t transition into a show choir version of “Are You Afraid of the Dark" unless you watch the bonus footage of Greg and Josh telling ghost stories because we're all going to pretend there is actually something more terrifying than a GRS performance.
We cut to Josh Bell blathering about his crush on Aubrey.
Kayla interviews that there has been a ton of tension in the group this year and we’re treated to a montage of a bunch of snippets of angry Trim to prove a point because this show is just the worst at anything resembling actual plotting. They all agree that Rob is being a big bitch and use this little fact as a unifying/bond force. Aubrey and Josh decide to share a tent together. Sadly for Josh it's one they can sleep in and not the one in his pants.
The next morning we see Rob and Tim coming out of their home and we reveal that the kids were camping in their backyard. Rob tells them he wants them to clean up their shit.
We transition from their yard to their rehearsal space as Rob announces that they are going to perform at Valley Fair and promptly starts nitpicking their performances with such critiques:
“If you’re not all going to start together, there’s no sense in rehearsing it.”
“I wanna see your teeth, I wanna see your tongue, I wanna see your tonsils.”
Everybody interviews that they are hating how Rob is basically transforming into a ripped version of Abby Lee Miller from “Dance Moms” and the core members of the group stay behind to tell Rob that he’s destroying their self-esteems with his negative attitude. We actually have no idea what the big deal is because yeah, he’s bitchy but they are aggressively sucking at some stuff so we don’t know what they think Rob should do. Hand out juice boxes and cookies and give them a gold star?
Rob says that he drove to Minneapolis and cried most of the way there and didn’t know why. Maybe he had looked at the show’s ratings? Shit starts getting real because Rob confesses that GRS has put stress on his relationship with Tim. Show choirs: ruining relationships, one spirited medley at a time.
We cut to the GRS folks showing up to Valley Fair and quickly discovering that their stage is way too tiny as well as the fact that they forgot batteries for their microphones. Tim also poses the eternal of all show choir questions: “Whose weave is in my mouth?”
Trim go scurrying about all of Valley Fair to try to find a battery.
Rob: “Can we ever have one performance that goes smoothly?”
The world raises its eyebrow and responds, “Lawls, nope.”
After some panic and some bitching back and forth between Rob and Tim, the performance gets underway. Things are going decently until Greg splits his pants and reveals his pink underwear to the folks. This leads to a frantic changing of pants with Rob, who inadvertently reveals he's rocking purple underwear because this show is now trying to appeal to underwear fetishists. Hey, get those views any way you can.
Honey Bon Jovi tells the camera that the performance went really well overall mainly because of the commitment Grand River Singers have.
Josh: “We go balls deep.”
The group decide to plan a little dinner gathering for Rob and Tim to show them how much they appreciate them. Naturally this leads to whacky shenanigans of stalling Trim so they can get everything ready. But since when it comes to subterfuge Jon isn’t exactly the second coming of Emily Thorne, this doesn’t exactly work out, leading the kids to scramble to make sure things are all in place when Trim shows up.
It’s all so cute that it’s impossible to mock. Almost. It took five episodes but we finally get a performance by the Grand River Singers that goes smoothly as they sing Olly Murs’ song “Oh My Goodness.” And isn’t that the best gift for Rob and Tim? Well other than a scarf.
Episode 2 “The Douchebag Jar”
We open the episode with Josh Bell talking about his potential invention: the boob retainer. We assume this idea will be followed by the dick holster.
After the credits, we are in the ever familiar spot known as the GRS rehearsal space as Rob tells GRS that they are going to be auditioning for a chance to perform at the Mall of America. This leads to a montage of excited interviews as everybody explains what the Mall of America is, with Steven going as far as saying only the best acts get to play it. Pretty sure junior year of college we saw Ashlee Simpson at the Mall of America so the definition of “best” is obviously pretty flexible.
Rob tells the camera that the Mall of America is the Radio City of Minneapolis-St.Paul. It’s like he’s actively seeking a Rockette to high kick him in the testicles. Rob says they need to submit something that will set them apart from everybody else because apparently being in the midst of filming your own reality show for VH1 doesn’t fall under the umbrella of “unique.”
Kayla thankfully suggests that they submit a porno. “Do you watch porn? People watch porn.” Rob squashes that idea because he doesn’t want to see any of the GRS kids in porn. Except for GRS couple Eric and Justin because Rob has decided to have a fluke moment of good taste.
They settle onto the idea of making a music video. Aubrey, Steven and Greg volunteer to be on a planning committee for this because months in GRS have made them completely numb to aggravation at this point. The group goes to Myrick Park to scout locations, including a huge playground area. Greg and Aubrey love it while Steven says that it’ll be difficult. He douches to the camera that he’s made short films before, OF COURSE YOU HAVE, and they take a lot of planning.
Greg: I think that Steve shouldn’t be in the planning committee. He just needs to stay in the background. Like he’s used to.
We guess when we catch Greg between emotional meltdowns and pants ripping embarrassments, he’s reading bitches for filth.
We cut from this to Josh still trying to find a job. Yep. THIS is the thing that the show has decided needs to be the only major episode-to-episode storyline of the season. He hopes to get a job so he can have the funds to ask Aubrey out. Aw, it’s like he’s a tattooed, long boarding, only fleetingly comprehensible Jay Gatsby.
We move from this to the Grand River Singers starting to shoot their music video. Greg shows up late from work looking like a constipated ray of sunshine and joy.
Greg: “Since when are you the director of this music video?”
Steven: “Since you weren’t here this morning.”
The two argue back and forth with Aubrey hilariously caught in the middle. They eventually get around to starting to record their music video with Scott Jenks’ beard in charge of filming. There is a bonus threat of violence lingering in the air because Greg wants to punch Steven. Maybe that can be part of his initiation as a new member of GRS: a good ole-fashioned jumping.
They decide to add streamer cannons to their performance. Liv shoots her streamer cannon too soon. Rob: “Control your premature ejaculation.” Porn, premature ejaculation, this is family entertainment at its finest.
We move from this to stuffed dead animals. Yep. You read that right. GRS member Jon has hooked Josh up with a job with his taxidermist father. The fact that none of these animals have shown up in a GRS performance yet seems like an egregious oversight on the part of Rob and Tim. We watch Josh and Papa Brown skin bear paws, a sentence I never expected to write about this show.
Over at the GRS rehearsal space, Rob announces that the folks are going to be performing at the Mall of America because this show loves nothing more than introducing and resolving plotlines in one episode. When it can remember them.
Rob, Tim, Scott Jenks’ beard and Greg go to Festival Foods to start planning a flash mob because apparently it’s 2007 again when flash mobs were an actual cool thing. Rob actually says they snuck into the grocery store. Because nothing says stealth quite like a camera crew and an obvious permission to film there. Anyway, this all is promotion for their gig at the Mall of America. The same Mall of America that is hours away from La Crosse. So good strategy folks. Trim, Beard, and BowtieShaw stroll around the store, scouting different locations when Steven finally shows up.
Tim: I’m not wearing my watch today.
Steven: So you don’t know how late I am.
Greg and Steven end up arguing with each other, hurling insults back and forth while poor Festival Foods employee Georgia is just trying to give out some samples.
We cut back to the GRS folks mingling about Festival Foods in huge winter coats in the middle of summer in a bid to be discreet about their flash mob. Rob describes witnessing a flash mob as a glitter fuck fest; this is also how he probably describes what’s it like banging Tim.
We end the episode with the group doing a high energy flash mob of "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious." And because Marcia isn't there, nobody has to worry about accidentally hurling a loin of pork into somebody's face. And really, isn't that the most important thing? The performance ends with the usual stunned crowd faces and awkward silence that has become a comfort in watching this show. It's like a big comfy blanket of indifference.
Join us next week as we recap the final two episodes of this season of "Off Pitch." See you then, dahlings!