My Best Friend's Mixtape

Let us be real for a second, shall we? The executives at Fox should just torch the set of “American Idol,” pin the arson on former co-host Brian Dunkleman, collect the huge insurance payout and move on with their lives but alas, that is not going to happen so we’re about to embark on the yearly trek to find new judges for the reality singing competition because televisions shows, unlike say wounded animals, are rarely ever put out of their misery for their own good. 

Rumors have long been circulating that network executives haven’t been exactly enthralled with the new panel of judges including rapper Nicki Minaj, country singer Keith Urban, singer Mariah Carey and yearly piece of dead weight judge-from-the-beginning Randy Jackson and the resulting decline in the ratings, especially given how well things are going with the additions of Shakira and Usher to NBC’s rival singing competition "The Voice."

With Randy Jackson already announcing he’s leaving the panel, we're pretty sure the next few weeks we’ll hear about the departures of Keith Urban, so he can go flat iron his hair in the safety of the arms of Nicole Kidman in Australia; Mariah Carey, who can go focus on working on her new album and taking care of her kids Monroe, Morocco and Nick; and Nicki Minaj, who will probably leave so she can ready “Pink Friday: Roman Reloaded: The Re-Up: Armed and Fabulous” for iTunes. 

So to prep for the inevitable search for the latest set of passengers to board this reality show Titanic, we've come up with a panel of judges we’d adore watching. Or at least fast forwarding through. 

Judge Number One: Season Five of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” winner Jinkx Monsoon
Source: Fuck Yeah! RuPaul's Drag Race
After years and year of “American Idol” trotting out female judges who look like drag queens, isn't it about time that an honest-to-RuPaul drag queen actually landed on the panel? She’s funny off the top of her head, can belt the living shit out of a song and probably requires less time in the makeup department than Ryan Seacrest. 

(Sidenote: We’ve read a lot of complaints about how Jinkx had an unfair advantage in all the acting challenges because she was a theatre major in college. After all of the college senior shows we’ve sat through, we can guarantee you that being a theatre major plays little to no part in if somebody can actually act.)

Judge Number Two: Charles Ramsey

Faster than you can say, “Ain’t nobody got time for that,” Charles Ramsey made headlines for helping rescue three kidnapped women in Cleveland and quickly became an Internet sensation.

Either way, Ramsey has a buzz around him and has already proven himself to be better spoken than ten thousand years of Randy Jackson screaming, “Yo! Yo! Yo!” at contestants.

And the third judge would be . . . US! Come on now, we could serve all types of bitchy Simon Cowell realness on a weekly basis because we’re fundamentally horrifically judgmental of everything everybody does. You’ve scrolled through this blog. You know how we roll. And more importantly, how we snark. And putting us on “American Idol” would advance a lot of causes that we hold near and dear to us. Those causes would be our checkbook and our closet. They are both truly things that we believe in.

Now stop photobombing Sarah Jessica Parker at the MET Ball and get yourself into the rest of the Mixtape as we take on marriage equality, the “Teen Mom” sex tape and spill some townie tea.

Why hello Mixtapers! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, snatching the bouquet from your favorite edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes to find a DJ for its wedding reception. 

Yes dahlings, as you’ve probably read already, the Minnesota House of Representatives passed a marriage equality bill by a margin of 75 to 59 on Thursday. We’re not terribly surprised by this move since Minnesota has always believed in the right for gay men to get married.  Just look at Michele Bachmann’s husband. 

The state senate is expected to pass the bill in a vote sometime next week which could make Minnesota the 12th state in the union to recognize gay marriage with weddings potentially happening as soon as August. That is more than enough time for us to learn the dance routine from Beyonce’s “Grown Woman” performances on her Mrs. Carter Tour to break it down like a boss bitch at a Twin Cities wedding reception. 

Anyway, we applaud this move towards giving us all the right to be betrothed to somebody we will grow to hate and resent like some Edward Albee play married. Opponents of this have said that allowing gays to marriage will destroy the sanctity of marriage. You know who has been already doing a superb job at that? Straight people. Really, they are simply marvelous at it. The only thing gays have done to harm the institution of marriage is designing a few questionable floral centerpieces for weddings so everybody just needs to calm down.

In honor of this huge occasion, we’re kicking off this Mixtape with “Together” from She and Him’s new album “Volume 3.”

The day the vote came through we actually got a frantic phone call from a Minnesota friend of ours. He’s been involved with the same man for years and always told him if they ever legalized marriage in the state, they’d totally tie the knot. Guess who just has had their bluff called.

Him: What am I supposed to do?!
Us: Burn the shoes and boil the rice? Sorry, never resist a moment to make a Sondheim reference.

The idea of marriage equality suddenly putting commitment-phobic gays on the spot gives us ten types of life here at the Mixtape. In honor of these poor souls who may be finding themselves under the newfound pressure of tying the knot, we offer up next “Every Night I Say a Prayer” from Little Boots’ new album “Nocturnes” that was just released her in the United States this week.

And what about us? What do we think of the idea of someday being married to the man of our dreams? We’re not quite sure at whole idea of being a husband, but we’re sure we have the perfect temperament to be a gay divorcee.  Maybe Anderson Cooper will come sweep out off our feet and take us to live on some commune with Neil Patrick Harris and several of the Andrew Christian underwear models. In honor of this absolute delusion, our next song is “Out of My League” from Fitz and the Tantrums’ new album “More Than Just a Dream.” 

And from things that make us feel better about the world to things that make us fear for humanity, “Teen Mom” Farrah Abraham’s porno was released this week. 

And because we are complete and total masochists, we here at the Mixtape decided to sit down and watch the entire ordeal. There are parts of our soul that will never fully recover from it. And parts of liver may well be dead from all of the vodka we drank to be able to slog through it. And while we’re not going to post the video because we’re not that desperate for traffic to this site, we will let you know of some of the truly scintillating dialogue that peppers the video in a segment we’re dubbing:

Farrah: These buttons are going to take forever.
James Deen: Do you know how buttons work?
Farrah: I forgot my brain when I came to hang out with you.

It ‘s like they took the dialogue directly from “Lady Chatterley’s Lover” or something.

Farrah: I haven’t done this in forever, you’re going to kill me.

Well we all know we can rule out to this being Farrah referring to making a non-attention whore move. Homegirl is still trying to make everybody still believe that this was a private video she did that was never intended to reach the public. This is also the young woman who went on “Dr. Phil” and told a studio audience that her DUI was not correct for the follow reason: 
“The car was shut off, my hands were off the steering wheel, I had been parked. There was no driving. That's that."

She really knows how to build a legal case. She’s like a young Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Anyway, back to the tape . . .

Farrah: I get cold because I’m like . . .cold. And then I really get hot.”
James Deen: It’s like you have no in-between.
Farrah: It’s like I’m fighting with myself.
James Deen: At all times.
Farrah: I’m either cold or I’m hot.

We still want to know if this was a better or worse experience for James Deen than working with Lindsay Lohan on “The Canyons.”

Farrah: I think my behind looks cute.
James Deen: You really are fucking cute.
Farrah: Awwww, thanks baby.

This is the most romantic dialogue ever to be uttered since “An Affair To Remember.”

And the greatest line uttered in the entire thing:

Farrah: Do we have eight in this bitch?

In honor of Farrah trying to live that lie that this video wasn’t totally meant for the masses to see, we offer up Say Lou Lou’s tune “Fool of Me” featuring Chet Faker.

Hey Mixtapers, have you ever been sitting around and thought to yourself, “Gee, there aren’t enough horrible examples of bad parenting on television?”  Well Lifetime, the network that unleashed “Dance Moms” onto an unsuspecting universe, is trying to fill that CPS-centric void with their brand new program “Pretty Wicked Moms.”

We assume the casting for this show took place at a day spa located in the 9th circle of hell because it takes a special kind of a-hole of a human being to offer themselves up to the public as a terrible example of humanity on purpose. Like that is the basic, fundamental crux of this show. These women are awful. And they’re mothers. We’ve officially gotten to the point that if Madea, the Greek and not the Tyler Perry one, was real and alive, she probably would get at least a pilot for a series.

Speaking of mothers, Kobe Bryant’s bound to have a really awkward Mother’s Day with his due to a little lawsuit he filed to Mama Bryant from auctioning off a bunch of his memorabilia.  According to TMZ, Mama Bryant may have decided to try to have an action of Kobe’s stuff because she felt that Kobe spent more money on his mother-in-law than her, having at one time bought his mother-in-law a 3.2 million dollar home. The only thing we truly can gather from this story is that we’ve officially come to the point where White People Problems no longer even have to involve actual white people. ()

Now let us get a nice warm cup of . . .

There are certain sights in La Crosse that have become landmarks. The world’s largest six pack located at the Brewery. The Hiawatha statue that overlooks the Mississippi River. The bluffs that surround our community. And, most colorfully, the sight of local resident/celebrity Peachez dancing her way from one end of town to the next.  She's a twerk team of one.  And we know a little thing about twerking.
Source: RealityTVGifs

And when she isn’t dancing, she’s breaking it down with her words. Tupac who? Notorious B.I.G. what?

But last Saturday, our favorite dancer momentarily became Canned Peachez after being arrested for allegedly busting down the door an apartment door and swinging a 2-by-4. And unlike Charles Ramsey, the only thing she was trying to rescue was an Xbox she thought she belonged to her. Oh Peachez.

It takes a bold  woman to rock the ombre hair trend for a mugshot. And for that Peachez, we salute you with Bruno Mars’ latest single, “Treasure.”

And with that we bid you a fond farewell and hope you have a great Mother's Day weekend. And remember:

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