This Mixtape Sleighs

Oh the holidays. That special time of tinsel and holly, eggnog and fruitcake, blaming our rampant promiscuity on a mistletoe. It really is the most wonderful time of the year. La Crosse’s local theatre scene is getting into the holiday spirit with productions of “A Christmas Carol” (sadly Muppet-free) at UW-L,  “A Don’t Hug Me Christmas Carol’ at The Pump House, and  “Playhouse on the Air Presents: Miracle on 34th Street” at the La Crosse Community Theatre. 

It’s no surprise that there are all these holiday shows happening. It’s a fact that audiences are 67 percent more likely to go to a show with a wreath on its poster; this is based on data we completely just made up.  

Not one to be left out of the holiday cheer, the Muse Theatre is adding a sardonic edge to the season with their production of “The Santaland Diaries,” based on essayist David Sedaris’ experience working as an elf at a department store.

In honor of the play, opening this week along with “A Christmas Carol” and “Don’t Hug Me Christmas Carol,” we decided to recount our favorite moment working retail during the holidays.  Behold:

There is a distinct three part process that happens to us every holiday season while at work when it comes to the round-the-clock playing of Christmas tunes. First, there is joy. Second, there is misery. Third and finally, there is acceptance, acceptance usually appearing a solid month after the tunes have stopped being played. 

One snowy December morning, just a few scant days before Christmas, we were walking the thin line of stage one and stage two of the Christmas process, humming along to the fourth version of “Santa Baby” we had heard that morning already, when we looked outside to see a small huddle of women. We had been so concentrated on the yuletide gold-digging lyrics we hadn’t noticed the store had opened but no sales associate happened unlocked the door.

So we went and, after a few embarrassing fumbles at twisting the locks, opened the door and greeted with a pleasant hello.

“It’s cold outside!” shouted one woman, probably in her mid-forties.  “It’s cold and windy and the store is open early because of holiday hours. I CALLED.”

“I’m really sorry for the inconvenience,” we stammered a bit, apparently as successful at apologizing as we were at speedily unlocking doors.

“It’s a disgrace,” the woman continued. “Leaving a bunch of women out IN THE COLD IN DECEMBER.”

Before we could offer another apology, she and her contingency of equally annoyed friends brushed past, spilling some coffee on our dress shoes. Right behind them was an older, pleasantly rotund woman wearing a Packers knit hat. She was probably in her seventies. She had been outside with the group but apparently wasn’t with them. She came inside the store, aided by a cane. She stopped in front of us.  We cringed for a second, waiting for either a verbal or cane blow. But neither came. She smiled at us, patted us on the shoulder and said the best thing we’ve ever heard from a customer:

“I’m so sorry. You’re going to have to deal with a lot of bitches today.”

Now Mixtapers, THAT is the true meaning of Christmas.

Stop rolling your eyes and keep reading as we dish about the good, the bad and the Britney Spears that happened this week in pop culture.
Source: RealityTVGifs

Hark! The herald Mixtape snarks! Welcome to the another edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when it isn’t waiting for the Kardashian Kristmas Kard to show up in its mailbox. Let us press play on this week’s Mixtape and get what?!

This week saw the release of Britney Spears’s new album “Britney Jean.” A friend of ours gave us a copy, and it proved to be the most underwhelming BJ we’ve ever received. Executive produced by Will.I.Am, Britney has said in several interviews that this is her most personal album. Buried under layers and layers of production, Britney’s presence on the album feels perfunctory at best. It’s not saying the album doesn’t have some highlights. Our favorite track is the album closer, “Don’t Cry.” Smartly using whistling as part of the instrumental, Britney Spears actually sounds like a human being singing instead of a breathy, weirdly accented Siri.

In other pop star news, Beyonce, along with her husband Jay-Z, have announced they are going to go vegan for 22 days. They will be living strictly on a diet of plants, berries and copies of Keri Hilson's "No Boys Allowed" album.

In TV news, the mid-season finale of "The Walking Dead" was viewed by over 12 million people. In related news, 5 million of those people are still not on speaking terms with people who gave away plot details in their Facebook statuses.

It was announced this week that “R.I.P” songstress/semi-professional Rihanna impersonator Rita Ora has signed on to join the film adaptation of “Fifty Shades of Grey.” And we’re going to say something that Rita has probably never heard before: girl, you are too good for this. In honor of this, our next song is “Rent Money” from Dent May.

The biggest story this week undoubtedly was the death of “Fast and Furious” star Paul Walker, who died on Nov. 30 after being involved in a car accident. If you thought that the untimely death of young star near the holidays was going to stop people from acting like total a-holes, we admire your delusional world view optimism. As soon as Walker’s death made headlines, there seemed to be a rush to see who could mishandle the situation in the worst possible way.

First you had a cologne company run its ad that features Paul Walker during a soccer game barely a day after the actor had died. Not to be outdone, “Wheel of Fortune” aired an episode of its show on Monday where one of the answers was “The Fast and the Furious.”  

And then there was the news story about a Coffee Bean shop where employees asked patrons to vote for their favorite Paul Walker movie by way of tip jars.  The corporate honchos were alerted to the fact when “Orange is the New Black” actor Jason Biggs tweeted about the situation, calling it “exploitive” and “in poor taste.” You know, when it comes to recognizing poor taste, we normally wouldn’t trust the man whose whole movie career is built on his ability to thrust himself into baked goods but even a broken clock is right twice a day.

And now let's talk about some dudes loving other dudes in our new segment . . .

Tis the season for people coming out of the closet as “The Biggest Loser” trainer Bob Harper let the world know he was gay while Olympic athlete Tom Daley posted a video to his YouTube account letting the world know he’s bisexual and dating a guy.

We wish YouTube had been around when we were coming out. We told our Dad in a restaurant because nothing tempers their totally correct fear we're going to become a power bottoming whore quite like a lefse wrap.

The Internet reacted with its usual blend of support, homophobia, and total derision over how any of this was “news” because it was so obvious that these two liked guys. Here’s the thing Internet, people don’t come out so you can be shocked. It's an expression of self-acceptance, not a M. Night Shyamalan movie.

In honor of this, our next song is “Boys” from Sky Ferreira’s debut album “Night Time, My Time.”

Fast food commercials have had a history of using sex to sell their product a la those Paris Hilton ads for Carls Jr.

But now in a surprising twist, the person who is being treated like a piece of meat actually is a piece of meat, a piece of meat on a brioche bun as shown in the latest ads from Wendy’s.

This is why people go to Julliard, just for the possibility they may one day get to pretend to be sexually attracted to a square-shaped piece of hamburger.

Hey Mixtapers, do you keep stubbing your toe on the end of your bed? Well we've got a First World Solution to that First World Problem in the form of ToeJammarz.

Wow, the budget on this commercial was somewhere between nothing and a current Lil Kim music video.

This week Joe Jonas wrote an essay for “New York Magazine” where he detailed his life as a Jonas Brother. The article was filled with revelations including that he lost his virginity at 20, smoked pot with Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus at 17, and how he was not allowed to have facial hair while he and his brothers did their Disney Channel show. 

Joe also talked about his relationships with Ashley Greene as well as Lovato but noticeably didn’t talk about his time with Taylor Swift, who he famously broke up with over the phone.

In honor of Joe's dating history, our next song is Alice Smith's amazing cover of Cee Lo's "Fool For You."

In other interview news, Kanye West gave an interview this week where he discussed the amount of relevancy that he and Kim Kardashian wield.
“The [biggest corporations] amount of money can only equal the amount of relevancy that me and Kim have. I might not be a billionaire, but I’m a trillionaire in relevancy.”

Well it’s true that Apple or Microsoft have never inspired Seth Rogen and James Franco to dry hump each other on a motorcycle so there is that.

Kanye has been spending a lot of time giving interviews and making a lot of comparisons between himself and various people.  Don’t believe us? Just Google it.

Seriously, he's compared himself to so many people he only has a few options left like Joan of Arc, Bill Nye the Science Guy and my cousin Pookie.

In honor of Kanye West's continuing quest for world supremacy, our next song is Lauryn Hill's new lyric video for her song "Consumerism."

And finally . . .

This Thursday saw the much anticipated broadcast of NBC's live production of "The Sound of Music" starring "American Idol" superstar Carrie Underwood as Maria Von Trapp and Bill from "True Blood" as the Captain. So if you were wondering if Jack Donaghy is still trying to tank the network, this should be all the confirmation you need.

Thankfully we had Queen Audra McDonald to help keep this show from being a complete disaster.

Carrie is clearly mentally recalling a season of having to look at Simon Cowell in a tight sweater in order to get some tears in her eyes.

If this show ends up being any sort of success in terms of both ratings and album sales, we can totally see NBC trying to do another few similar broadcasts:

Kelly Clarkson in "The King and I."

Clay Aiken in "South Pacific."

Fantasia Barrino in "Flower Drum Song."

We close this Mixtape with a special moment for Nelson Mandela, who passed away this week at the age of 95. A truly inspirational figure for many, Nelson Mandela was not just a man but a force of change and peace.  In honor of him, our last song of this Mixtape is Whitney Houston singing "The Greatest Love of All" for Mandela's 70th Birthday Celebration.

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