Oh the holidays, the time for joy and good cheer and a lot of shade. Last Friday, we unleashed onto the world “A Very Off Pitch Christmas.” To our surprise, nobody from Grand River Singers has thrown a brick through our apartment window yet. But with all writing, there has to be some things that get cut because of space so we’ve decided as a bonus treat to give you a moment from “A Very Off Pitch Christmas” that didn’t make it.
Over footage of snow lightly falling, we hear GRS member Jon voiceover about he’s been trying to get himself out into the dating world after coming out to his parents.
“It’s been really hard to find the time to meet the right guy. You know, with school, GRS rehearsals, and keeping my hair at maximum spikiness.”
We see Jon shuffling into a restaurant and sit down as he voiceovers about how he’s tried to use some different social media sites to try to get himself out there. But over the course of the past few weeks, he’s started talking to a lovely dude that he might think is the one.
“He’s the jazz hand to my blade,” Jon happily smiles to the camera. “Since we’re such a close family in GRS, they all felt like they needed to give me advice for my first date.”
Josh: “Don’t cry until at least after you're done with your appetizers.”
Marcia: “Play hard to get. Only give him a hand job on the first date.”
Jon to the camera: “And this is why I’m going to be single forever.”
We see some time lapse footage of Jon nervously drinking glass after glass of water as time ticks away. Just when he’s about to throw in the towel on this date, he hears that his date has arrived. Excitedly, Jon throws his napkin on the table, stands up and turns around to see something he was not expecting at all.
Jon tells the camera: “This is not the hunky dude who loves high kicks and Harry Potter as much as I do. This is some crazy lady.”
“Hi, my name is Doreen. I’m the biggest fan of ‘Off Pitch.' And I just wanted to meet one of them so badly so I made up a profile, took a photo from an Andrew Christian underwear ad and suddenly I was Jorge O’Hara, a swarthy man with dashing good looks, a love of cooking and a vers. top.”
The two sit nervously across from each other at the restaurant as Jon tries to figure out what to do as Doreen periodically rambles about her favorite “Off Pitch” moments.
Doreen excitedly says, “I loved that time where you guys messed up your performance.”
“Do you not know how vague of a statement that is?” Jon replies, tapping his finger on the table linen.
The date ends abruptly when Doreen gets a phone call.
“What do you mean JB is dead?!” she screams into the phone.
“Who’s JB?” whispers Jon across the table.
“My kitty cat,” Doreen replies.
Jon waits for a moment. “You named your cat after me?!”
“You both are just so good at prancing!” she says. “Or at least he was. Now he’s prancing in kitty heaven.”
Doreen grabs her purse, gives Jon a peck on the forehead and goes running out of the restaurant. A few moments later, a waiter comes by and asks Jon if he needs anything.
“A drink,” he says. “A drink and maybe some trauma counseling.”
Drink up, Mixtapers, and get into the rest of an all-new Majak Mixtape!
Mele kalikimaka, Mixtapers! Welcome to another edition of the Majak Mixtape, where pop culture goes when it no longer wants to be a judge on “The X-Factor.” We are just a scant few days away from Christmas, and we couldn’t be more excited. Mainly because the holidays will be over. We're not saying we hate Christmas; we're just saying whoever said that this is the most wonderful time of year obviously never worked retail. Anyway, let us see who was naughty and who was nice this week as we press play on this week’s Mixtape and get what?
This week, to the surprise of no one on this or any other planet, a cast member from the mega-hit A&E series “Duck Dynasty” revealed himself to be a big ole homophobe in an interview with “GQ.” We’ve never actually watched the show. It’s mainly because if we wanted to watch a bunch of hairy beasts and their adventures in the forest, we’d go hang out at the “Country Bears Jamboree” attraction at Disneyland.
“Duck Dynasty” patriarch Phil Robertson told the magazine:
“Everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong… Sin becomes fine. Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.”
There is something incredibly wrong when Honey Boo Boo has a more evolved worldview than you do.
Robertson also went on to say:
“It seems like, to me, a vagina—as a man—would be more desirable than a man’s anus. That’s just me. I’m just thinking: There’s more there! She’s got more to offer.”
That sound you heard was a bunch of power bottoms saying:
In honor of this situation, our first song on this Mixtape is from upcoming “Drag Race” dragtestant Kelly Mantle and her hilarious cover of “My Neck, My Back” because the only thing that could frighten Robertson more than gay guys doing it is a gay man in a dress talking about wanting somebody to lick his crack.
In other pop culture news, Beyonce remains the high priestess of pop music as her self-titled album debuted on the top of Billboard with album sales of 617,000, sales based strictly on iTunes purchases. No promo, no singles, nothing. We all know who's the Supreme in the pop girl coven.
Beyonce basically did the album equivalent of her 2011 VMA appearance. She let Lady Gaga open and make a fool of herself and then let Britney get some shine before taking stage, dropping a mic and revealing to the world her precious baby, this time her baby being an album.
In honor of this triumph, our next song on this Mixtape is Beyonce's tune "XO."
Speaking of Gaga, the "ArtPop" singer appeared this week to perform her single "Do What You Want" with "Voice" judge-turned-professional-features-artist Christina Aguilera.
Christina is singing the hooks on so many songs now she might as well change her name to Christina Ashantilera.
And now it's time for some . . .
This week saw the leak of “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody” star Dylan Sprouse’s naked selfies all over Tumblr. When asked about the matter, Sprouse said that his only was mistake was sending the photo to a person he probably shouldn’t have trusted. And what could only be seen as a genius marketing idea, Sprouse has maybe decided to make t-shirts of the selfies. See, that's how President Obama should've handled his selfie-at-the-Mandela-Memorial scandal. Sell some shirts online, pay down that debt.
In other former Disney stars news, Shia LaBeouf has gotten himself into hot water because he plagiarized a comic book for his short film “Howard Cantour.com.” And when he issued his apology for that, the apology was apparently also plagiarized. In his defense, Beans never taught him how to properly cite his sources.
"Just like my career after 'Even Stevens,' nobody’s gonna be checking for your bibliography.”
And finally, Lindsay Lohan is back in the recording studio and may be also writing a book. Elsewhere, Hilary Duff is also working on an album. We assume on both of their Christmas lists is that it was the early 2000's, when people would've cared about these developments.
In honor of their attempt to reclaim their former glory, our next song is "Worldstar" from Childish Gambino's newest album "Because the Internet."
And now it's time for a
This week, members of the Cyrus family that aren’t Miley announced that they are putting together their own YouTube channel called “Seriously Cyrus” that will feature programs from various members of the family as they all desperately try to get those Kardashian koins.
It’s basically the YouTube equivalent of fruit cake: nobody asked for it but somehow it’s here in all of its obnoxious, tasteless glory.
And finally, pop dem bottles for a . . .
This week saw the release of the trailer for “Mitt,” a documentary following the exploits of Mitt Romney as he tried to run for President. We haven’t seen it yet, but we expect it to be like a more robotic version of “Wall-E.”
Our favorite moment was watching Romney try to iron his coat while still wearing it.
"It’s still less heat than I got for that 47 percent remark."
President Obama announced the United States delegation who will be attending the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi, and it will include such notable gays as tennis player Billie Jean King and ice skater Brian Boitano.
Standing up for gay rights everywhere. Just another thing Brian Boitano would do.
And that's it for this week! Have a wonderful Christmas, and we'll see you next week for our year end extravaganza! And remember: