Oh Jessica Simpson, how are you doing? Do you remember a time when your relevancy did not directly depend upon who you were dating? Nope? Neither do we. Anyway, we’d like to offer congratulations on the announcement of your engagement with former football player Eric Johnson, but we’re too busy giving you a massive case of side eye at the whole situation. Not to get all sassy gay friend on you but LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES.
According to tabloids, who we assume never make up things out of whole cloth because why would they, say you and Johnson have been together a scant six months, that you don’t plan at this point on having a pre-nup, AND your announcement just happens to come within a week of Nick Lachey’s announcing his engagement to poor man’s Jessica Alba known as Vanessa Minnillo. It all reeks of either low self-esteem OR shot-gun wedding. But no matter, we’ll raise a glass of bubbly to you and your union in our mix we’re dubbing, “I Wanna Mixtape You Forever.”
First up, we offer up Alicia Keys’ song “Lesson Learned” off her As I Am album.
We put this on here not just because it features your ex-boyfriend John Mayer who famously referred to sleeping with you as sexual napalm but also because we’ve hoped you’ve learned from your romances not just with Mayer but also Tony Romo and Lachey. At least with Eric Johnson being a former athlete, nobody is going to call you a jinx so at least you’re moving in the right direction.
Yet the idea of not having a pre-nup, which was a bad idea the first go around with Nick Lachey and ended up costing you some $10 million, makes you look, in the words of Neil Young, The Rolling Stones AND Garbage, like a “Stupid Girl.”
There is just not enough I CAN’T EVEN in the world at the idea of somebody worth millions and millions of dollars not having a pre-nup.
Lastly we put on 98 Degrees and their song “I Do (Cherish You).”
If you thought we weren’t going to be complete dicks about your past relationships, you are
Happy Thirsty Thursday everybody!