This week on the Real Housewives: Cynthia's storyline inexplicably still gets airtime, Kandi continues to be this season's Jill Zarin, Phaedra shows us her maternal instincts (which are none), and Sheree makes a welcome return to show off her dancing skills, her as always delusional sense of entitlement and her brand new car.
Let Beyonce's enthusiasm carry you over to the recap!
The star of this particular episode would have to be Sheree who made a return to the show, armed with a brand new Aston Martin car that she proudly displayed for her two daughters as she talked about, in her specially delusional way, how she had "earned" the car and deserved it because of her divorce to Bob Whitfield being over. She is woman, hear her roar the engines of her vehicle as the wind whips her tangled weave back and forth. You could almost embrace the product placement done thinly disguised as girl power if you didn't know that Ms. Sheree and her vehicle have already parted with each other.
Oh that's right y'all. According to TMZ, Sheree owes some $110,000 to some attorneys that they took the car back. We're sure when the towing company came to pick up the vehicle from Sheree's McMansion her response was:
And while Sheree was having her crap taken away from her off-camera, on-camera Kim was giving her daughter Ariana a brand new bedroom that cost, according to Ms. Kim, a sum total of $60,000. This rankled the nerves of her eldest daughter Brielle who, in spite of having pretty much an apartment to herself in the house, seethed jealousy that her sister was the only who got a redo of her bedroom. And Kim being the fabulous bastion of maternal responsibility that she is, immediately caved into Brielle's caterwauling and told the camera that she would most likely redo her room as well. Because using Regina George's mother as your mother template will always work out exceptionally well in the end.
Elsewhere, Cynthia and her partner Peter did their umpteenth scene about whether or not they are getting married because somebody keeps seeing some sort of breath coming out of that dead horse of a storyline that not even the presence of NeNe and her Black Sunglasses of Trial Separation could help.
This isn't like this is Cynthia's first grab at the brass ring, and we're not terribly invested in the relationship since Peter comes off as a control freak d-bag at the best of times. Get together, get apart, we could not for the life of us give a flying fuck about Bravo. I mean, seriously:
Off to yet another storyline that we care even less about, which I don't even know if that's physically possible but go with me, Kandi is continuing to have issues with Kim about Kim thinking her song sucked. While admittedly Kim has the work ethic of an infant and is trifling for the way she handled the whole "Tardy for the Party" business, it's hard to sympathize with Kandi when their continued work relationship is happening so Kandi can have a storyline since lord knows nobody gives a shit about her own music career or her Internet show. We think you should go visit former bandmate and T.I.'s wife Tiny in jail just to give you something to do since you're clearly not spending your free time finding a hair color that wasn't originally developed for Kool-Aid.
Phaedra was kept to a minimum this episode as she pretty much detailed all the reasons why Child Protective Services will be most likely getting a call since she seemed utterly devoid of not just maternal instincts but also the desire to even gather information about raising a baby. We suppose that since most of her energy has been so concentrated in maintaining the lie that is her pregnancy and the baby is basically a prop with a pulse in that, Phaedra can't really be bothered with learning small details like breast milk vs. formula and whatnot. I mean, the girls on Teen Mom have a better grasp on these things.
Which can we just talk about this for a second? Is it sad that I miss the days that in order to become a reality star you had to be a has-been from entertainment OR be the spoiled off-spring of somebody? Because the idea that you can become US Weekly cover famous because you slept through your sex ed class and now find yourself with bastard is terrible. Like, I often times wonder why I even know who Gary and Amber are.
There is not enough I CAN'T EVEN in the world for that.
Speaking of I CAN'T EVEN, Sheree ended last night's episode with a whirl around the dancefloor as part of a Dancing Stars of Atlanta charity fundraiser. Where to even begin? We loved that two of the judges had enough dignity not to sign a waiver to show themselves on television, NeNe's nose was looking extra Peter Pan-ish, Sheree was forced to get dressed in a public restroom, Kim pretty much masturbating at her table over NFL star and maybe baby daddy Kroy Biermann or the simple fact that these heffas only donated 20 dollars a piece to Sheree's charity.
We wish we had footage of Sheree's stunning, amazing, fabulous, better than Ginger Rogers dance moves but due to Bravo being terrible, we don't. In its place to fulfill the necessary amount of secondhand embarrasment that happens when celebrities put on their dancing shoes in order to tap their way into the hearts of America, we flashback to Kate Gosselin's stint on Dancing With the Stars.
What a lovely little she-beast she is.
Anyway, that's it for this week's edition of "Peach, Please." Be sure to check back with us next week when NeNe lets Sheree know about the fraud that is her doctor man and Phaedra gives birth to her baby on a bed of collard greens because that's how Southern she is. Okay, we don't know if that last part is true, but we honestly wouldn't be surprised at this point.