Last week on Glee - Sue decided to marry herself, which prompted a visit by her mother as played by Carol Burnett who decided to take some time out of her busy schedule of hawking DVDs of the Carol Burnett Show to make an appearance, sing a song and teach Sue a very special lesson about how bullies are created; elsewhere, in the storyline that the writers actually care about, Kurt continued to bullied by Karofsky but thankfully Kurt's dad Burt was getting married to Finn's mom Carole so he could distract himself from his troubles by designing a wedding like the good gay scarf-swathed stereotype he is; Finn, after the prompting of having to witness a whole wedding essentially about the awesomeness of Kurt, decides to become one of the converted and embraces Kurt, both literally and figuratively, through the shit magic that is the Bruno Mars songbook; additionally, the writers, starved for storyline ideas, re-watched season one and remembered Santana banged Finn so they trotted that loveliness out again.
This week - SECTIONALS. If you don't like that ultra brief episode overview we say:
The episode begins with Guidance Counselor Emma making a random appearance and giving Will a whole lot of shitty advice about how he should substitute out Mercedes and Rachel for the stunning, flawless, thinner-than-Calista-Flockhart-circa-Ally-McBeal vocals of Quinn as a way to let all people shine or some such nonsense. Will, being a moron, takes this bit of advice to heart because lord knows being competition is a great bastion for people to learn about everybody being equal in their own way. Maybe?
Anyway, instead of taking the guidance counselor advice as the usual b.s. culled from a whole lot of encouragement posters, Will and his now strangely well-maintained coif shows up to tell the kids about this grand plan of putting Quinn and Sam in the lead vocals. Rachel, being self-absorbed yet totally correct nine times out of ten, points out what an inherently shitty idea. Santana, being the charming person that she is, decides that this is the best time to let Rachel know that she did Finn. How this show missed the potentially fantastic vision of Santana dancing around singing, "Boom! I Fucked Your Boyfriend" we will never know.
Off at Gay Hogwarts, Fairy Potter introduces Kurt to the byzantine ways of the Warblers Glee Club with their counsels. Which whatever show at making us believe that a glee club like the Warblers who have their version of Roberts Rules of Orders would wait until the last second to be getting their sectional together.
Back at the Distopian World of McKinley, Tina thinks that Mike Chang and Britney are doing each other, Will is getting sick of people being self-absorbed, and Rachel is wearing duct tape to the delight of pretty much everybody in the club.
Mr. Schue is also in desperate need of a new glee member to replace Kurt so he enlists Puck. Puck decides that the football team would be a great source for glee club members since every guy in the Glee club is on the football team at this point. Karofksy is back at the school and know what also is back? This show using bullying as a punchline. Great to see you again EVER OSCILLATING STANCE ON THIS ISSUE as Will is seemingly completely unfazed by the bullies locking Puck in a Port-O-Pottie for 24hours because this show already has a bullying storyline of seriousness.
Anyway, Kurt comes back to McKinley for a split second to get advice on his solo tryout for the Warblers. Rachel, again being both batshit crazy yet weirdly correct about everything in the world, helps Kurt with his solo and instinctively knows that Kurt would have "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" on his stereo because why wouldn't he? It's the perfect theme song for his martyrdom.
Unfortunately for Kurt, he doesn't get his solo because, in the words of Blaine, he needs to try not to stand out so much. We know Kurt is clearly dickmatized by his crush on the fella because not once does it even dawn on him to be like, "YES, WE SHOULD BLEND IN SO SAYS MR. SOLO ON ALL THE SONGS."
But on the plus side, he gets a nice scene of friendship with Rachel backstage at sectionals.
Of course, Kurt shits on it by being all GURL YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE FINNTANA SEX before scampering off to perform "Hey Soul Sister" (Side eye of sea changing strength) with the Warblers, following the Hipsters.
Old people in vest will always be precious. If you don't think so:
Cue the backstage ~drama~ as everybody bitches about themselves and each other. Until Mr. Schue pulls out the necessary inspirational speech.
Up next, Quinn and Sam lipsync for their liiiiiiiiiiiives to "I've Had the Time of Our Lives" and Santana gets in touch with her inner Amy Winehouse with her cover of "Valerie"
We won't even touch Quinn/Sam since not even this show could bother coming up with a new way for two people singing a song together to make an entrance, but we will say that Santana did a good job with "Valerie" even if she could never compare to this goodness:
Who will win? Who will lose? Who won't give the flyingest of all fucks either way?
Of course it was a tie. If you didn't see that coming, you've clearly never watched television. Ever. Also, are we really supposed to believe that cute old people wouldn't have won over The Garglers, I'm sorry WARBLERS, and New Direction.
Elsewhere, Rachel turns out to be a big ole big motherPucker by cheating on Finn with Puck to get even for him having sex with Santana while they were broken up and she was dating somebody else which is oddly one of the most accurate teenage things they've ever done on this. Mr. Schue got some less than happy news about Emma, who went to Las Vegas and got married to Dentist Carl. Because that worked out so well for her last year when she rushed her relationship with Coach Ken. Glee: The Greenest Show on TV as it hasn't met a storyline it didn't feel fit to recycle.
Anyway, with all the sadness in the air what better time than to cue the closing number of dramatic irony as Mercedes and Tina take on Florence and the Machine's "Dog Days Are Over" because we haven't heard this song enough this year. LOOKING AT YOU JULIA ROBERTS.
Which now that Eat Pray Love is out on DVD/On Demand, I'm being assaulted with your face again as you as your pretentious character talks about going around the world and eating and finding meaning. You know what? I used to eat to feel feelings too. It was called my adolescence. You don't see me trying to get a book deal out of it. Okay, not trying HARD at least.
Anyway, the performance:
Bitches should've performed it at the competition and would've won.
Bonus, Florence and the Machine's performance from the 2010 VMAs.Florence and the Machine - Dog Days Are Over VMA
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Next week, Glee gets in touch with their yuletide spirit.
Let the unnecessary Autotuning of "Jingle Bells" commence.