Gleecap - The Justin Bieber-ence

Happy Hump day everybody! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, muting all of the Justin Bieber songs used in the episode edition of the "Gleecap," where we watch Glee so you don't have to anything but download the tunes. Last week on "Glee," Finn and Quinn continued to have feelings for each other that culminated with mono while Blaine proved that he's not the Gay Yoda that he had initially been portrayed as while Kurt still clung to the hope he'll be the non-trout mouthed Meg Ryan to Blaine's well-coiffed Billy Crystal in their romantic comedy "When Harry Met Twinky."

In today's "Gleecap," we take on Bieber Fever, cancer kids, new wave classics and all of the other random crap that was tossed into last night's episode. But before we get to the "Glee," let's spill us some tea!

First up, Billy Ray Cyrus has taken to GQ Magazine to talk smack about his daughter Miley Cyrus because that's good parenting. In a new interview, the country star details how he believes that "Hannah Montana" destroyed his family because who knew that allowing your teen daughter to become a Hollywood star would potentially lead to a bevy of bad life decisions on her part. BRAND NEW INFORMATION BILLY RAY. Billy Ray even goes as far as saying he believes that Satan is coming after his family. Satan is most likely just trying to get his money back from renting "The Last Song." 

But seriously, this is the sort of idea, in the words of one Emerson Cod, give bad ideas the will to live. Saying that show that you co-starred on for YEARS with your daughter destroyed your family is one big ole SIDE EYE of a thought process since it sort of negates all of the things you could've done as a parent. Seriously, not all child stars have to go nutso. Look at all of the kids from the "Harry Potter" franchise, infinitely bigger than anything Miley has been connected with. Those kids have been in the public eye forever but somehow managed not to get videotaped toking up with a bong. Trying to be the "cool dad" with your never going to be cool I-have-no-soul patch is what undid Miley more than any television show Billy Ray.

And you know, if you had issues with Miley, doing an interview about it is not the way to go about it. I mean, really? Because that worked so well to mend the fences between Jon Voight and Angelina Jolie when he was all over E!, crying about missing his daughter and whatnot. But as my grandma always says, the eyes see out, not in.

And speaking of people who like to run to magazines to discuss others, Dr. Drew has taken Billy Ray to task for the interview because a) Dr. Drew has something resembling correct logic and b) he has yet to be able to detox his crippling addiction to being a famewhore. In an interview with Joy Behar, Dr. Drew pretty much puts a lot of the blame on Billy Ray for creating the weird father/daughter relationship, saying, "You can't be the parent, the friend and the co-star. That is very confusing; that creates boundary problems for a child and therein lies the core of one of the problems that Miley seems to be manifesting now."

Shameless as Dr. Drew is in his attempts to be interviewed about every troubled star he's never met, we'll give him credit for actually saying the proper thing about the situation. And we'll also thank him for giving us Janice Dickinson in rehab. That trainwreck is gold.

Oh My "Glee." We don't know whether or not to shake our heads or applaud you for your ability to somehow find ways to make Justin Bieber's whole existence as a major pop star even more headache-inducing than his performance at the Grammys on Sunday. On the other hand, we're sort of relieved since we had a deep fear that this show was going to make us somehow like Justin Bieber like they made us like Bruno Mars in the "Furt" episode, a shameful change in attitude that we haven't been able to scrub off with a loofah and Sleigh Bells album.

Anyway, we kick off the episode with the show reminding us that Mr. Schuester does something other than the Glee club by actually showing him in a classroom. Oh Glee, where continuity isn't so much written as haphazardly wandered into. With a totally unnecessary voiceover, Mr. Schue explains how he has defeated Sue for the millionth time and has gotten over Emma, which is the universe and the show's cue to have Emma appear at that very second. We wish that actually worked because we could be chilling with Darren Criss right now. Anyway, the duo go scurrying off down the hall as "Glee" decides to show us the lighter side of suicide attempts as they find a "Sue-icide" note from Sue Sylvester. Sue tried to overdose using L'il Critters Gummy Vites (as correctly pointed out by j.columbo), which will only kill from their overall deliciousness.

And while Sue Sylvester was busy trying to off herself, Sam was busily trying to keep Quinn's heart focused on him. Proving that Quinn is either master liar OR skilled at picking the dumbest boys as possible or BOTH (TRUTH!), Quinn manages to convince Sam that she had to lock lips with Finn in order to keep him from choking on a gumball. Anyway, in order to maintain the fiery passion of their relationship, which we're pretty sure that the show established at one time they are just dating each other to maintain their popularity like the pretty blond social climbing sociopaths they are BUT ESTABLISHED CHARACTERIZATION BE DAMNED, Sam has decided to form a one-man band called the Justin Bieber Experience. Shame on the show for not using the pun "The Justin Biber-ience" in this situation. After playing some gigs and combing his hair, Sam is apparently a hit with both the bat mitzvah circuit as well as the Glee club.

I CAN'T with Sam's feeble attempts at dancing. The show has given us this much second hand embarrassment since, well, the last episode? Maybe?

Anyway, after terrorizing students in the hallway like the charming person she is, Sue ends up in the guidance office where Emma convinces Will to put Sue Sylvester in Glee club for a week because Emma loves wacky hijinx as much as the rest of us apparently. The Glee kids are resistant to this idea naturally because Sue has never been trustworthy EXCEPT apparently when she's able to put Rachael and Mercedes against each other by making it appear that they have been talking smack about each other.

This plot point. I CAN'T. Coming off the heels of everybody thinking of Sue as a snake, the fact that these two girls believed for A SECOND is some TGIF sitcom foolishness to just get them to have a diva face-off later in the episode.

Elsewhere, Rachel has decided to enlist Brittany to make her popular, an idea so flawed from its inception to its execution we're surprised even Brittany didn't call Rachael a moron. The whole plotline is as high quality as a direct-to-ABC-Family sequel of "Mean Girls.

And in another plotline, because this show is just a series of meandering subplots in search of musical numbers, Puck is still pining for Lauren, going so far to join Sam, Artie, and Mike Chang in the Justin Bieber Experience because all the ladies love Bieber. And by ladies, we mean the writers of the show. Quinn apparently is incredibly turned on Sam being shameless and throwing all caution to the wind and whatever else Dianna Argon has decided to whisper this week. SPEAK UP AND OUT ACTRESS. It's like she's a successful graduate of the Chuck Bass School of Mumbled Whisper Acting.

In one of the other 12 million subplots, Finn continues to pine for Quinn for reasons still unclear other than, you know, plot dictates such. We'll give Finn credit for briefly being sane and saying that Justin Bieber sucks. He unfortunately negated that all by showing up in a Bieber-licious style outfit in an attempt to woo Quinn.

Lauren gets in touch with her inner diva by singing the New Wave classic "I Know What Boys Like" by the Waitresses while simultaneously imaging the Glee club in their underwear to make herself less nervous about having a solo. She should've been more scared about the wardrobe department putting herself in a trashbag prom dress. LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR COSTUMER.

While Lauren was busily imagining everybody half-dressed (JUST LIKE MOST OF GLEE'S AUDIENCE DOES), Santana was trying to make a move on Sam because girlfriend is desperate to work his extremely large mouth. Plus, she hates Quinn. She must have seen the ads for "I Am Number Four."

Sue Sylvester and Will Schuester make a trip to visit sick cancer kids because nothing like some shameless heartstrings pulling, show! Anyway, Sue gets all feel-goody for a second and even comes to the "Glee" club with her own anthem by way of My Chemical Romance.

Why is everybody dressed like sexy lumberjacks? WHO KNOWS. The fact that on this show that is the LEAST head scratching thing going on is a testament to the overall craziness of this program.

Anyway, we're severely disappointed it wasn't "Teenagers." You know that's what it would've been if this was season one and therefore awesome version of the show.

We end the episode with Sue trying to destroy the Glee club again by getting a job coaching Aural Insensity glee club who our lovely club will be competing against at Regionals while Sam dumps Quinn for Santana. LOL forever at the show trying to make us feel bad for Quinn. Yes, it's always TRAGIC for a person to get exactly what they deserve. And finally, seeds of an upcoming plotline were planted as Rachel states she thinks the Glee club should do an original song. Hopefully, the show will not enlist the people who write the coronation tunes for "American Idol."

You know what the best part of this filler episode? The preview for next wee as everybody is getting drunk and Kurt is getting his wig snatched by life as drunk!Blaine and drunk!Rachel get all kissy during Spin the Bottle.

1 comment:

j.columbo said...

It was L'il Critters Gummy Vites, not Flintstones :)