Yule Blog: We Wish You a Merry Gift-mas

It's a sound that comes every Christmas time. No, it's not the sound of reindeer hooves stomping on the rooftop. Nor are we referring to the sounds of carolers on our door step. We're not even talking about the jingling of bells or those disturbing noises some people make when they are sucking face under the mistletoe or the scraping of plates as people try to quickly give the dog a piece of fruitcake off their platter or the chatter of family members as teenagers complain about YET AGAIN being at the kiddie table when they are 16, MOM, and are adult enough to drive to and from the grocery store to pick up last minute details. These are, for most people, a lot of the traditional sounds of the Christmas season but for us here at the Majak Kingdom, nothing quite symbolizes that the season is upon us than the string of complaints that come the moment the first decoration is put up at retail stores.

"Christmas has become way too commercial," a chorus of voices sing together. Nine times out of ten this is being said while somebody is busily maxing out their credit card because nothing honors the birth of baby Jesus quite like financial ruin. Maybe? Anyway, it's the most common complaint about how NOW Christmas is a holiday completely focused solely on the giving and receiving of presents and no longer about the values of peace, love and harmony that it once did in that magical time of indeterminate date called "back in the day."

Now, we'll admit that Christmas time is really a consumer-driven holiday. Most retail places make a bulk of their income from this time period. We just think it's funny how people act as though this is somehow some recent development. Last time we check, the tacky-fest that is "Santa Baby," a song so gleefully materialistic it makes "Material Girl" look Mother Theresa-esque in comparison, is not some new song. People have always been sort of greedy or O.Henry wouldn't have to write morality tales like "Gift of the Magi" to get across the "true" spirit of the season.

Anyway, we here at the Majak Kingdom are really shallow people so we embrace the commercialism of it all because presents=love.

Yule Blog - Christmas Episodes Heard on High

Ho, Ho, Ho everybody! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, decking the halls better than your favorites edition of Yule Blog, where we celebrate the season with a warm blanket of sarcasm. We've done a lot so far with odes to teen pop, hip hop and gay Christmas as well as helping you survive the holiday party season, the magic of crappy Christmas tunes and yesterday songs battled for Christmas tune supremacy. Whew! We've just been blogging our little hearts out.

Today we turn our attention to television. Oh TV, how we love thee, particularly during the holiday season. All across network and cable television, shows scramble to piece together holiday specials that are high on the cheese factor, low on the plot points and somewhere in the middle in terms of overall quality. "It's a Wonderful Life" and "A Christmas Carol" plotlines are trotted out on the regular so the nice characters can learn how important they are to the show while mean/bitchy characters get to learn the spirit of Christmas and change their evil doing ways for about five seconds at the end of the show before reverting back to their normal nature for the rest of the season because isn't that the message of Christmas? Maybe?

Anyway, we're going to take on our personal favorite holiday-infused episodes of shows including everything from "The O.C." to "Fairly Oddparents" to "Tales of the Crypt." Oh yeah, nothing says "HAPPY HOLIDAYS" quite like serial killers dressed as Santa Claus.

The Majak Mixtape - With Great Power Comes Great Injuries

Happy Christmas Eve Eve everybody! We're back for another shade throwing, wig snatching, tea spilling edition of the Majak Mixtape.

Before we even get into the hot mess that is the troubled Broadway production of the Bono-penned musical "Spiderman: Turn Off the Lights," which has a whopping $65 million budget that is almost as large Bono's Jesus complex, we have an update about the on-going Lindsay Lohan situation that we discussed in yesterday's mixtape because this girl might not have had an acting job in forever, she has been working overtime to keep her names in the tabloid headlines. We've dubbed the whole thing "LINNOCENT TIL PROVEN GUILTY."

As we reported yesterday, Lohan got into some sort of scuffle with a worker at the Betty Ford Clinic after she and some of her fellow patients went gallivanting off to a bar where Lohan claimed to have only had a few Shirley Temples and some French fries while the others drank. (SIDE EYE). When Lohan returned to the facility at one in the morning (SIDE EYE AGAIN) and was asked to take a breathalyzer test by a staff member named Dawn Holland because she claims to have smelled alcohol on her breath.

There were initially a ton of conflicting reports about whether or not the ginger/sometimes platinum blond/always questionably styled starlet ended up taking a drug/alcohol test. Lohan's father Michael, who we really think just lives in a tent in front of TMZ at this point, immediately went out to the press to "defend" his daughter and told everybody that she had passed drug tests given to her when she came back from going out. The world, in return, GURL PLEASE-d the hell out of Daddy Lohan and got confirmation from other sources and found out that Lohan was indeed clean.

And how do we know Dawn Holland thought that Lindsay Lohan was getting her drink on? Because Holland stupidly let herself get interviewed by the Edward R. Murrow of Tabloid News TMZ. That doesn't violate all kinds of confidentiality things at all (SIDE EYE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS).

Coming as a surprise to only Holland herself, she got sacked from her job at the Betty Ford Clinic. According to an interview with RadarOnline, Holland said she was let go because of the interview and now being freed from the constraints of Betty Ford employement, she's now "going full force."

Ugh, Dawn Holland.

And from the flop of Lindsay Lohan's life to the creative flop coming to the Great White Way, we switch gears and take on the on-going drama surrounding the upcoming production of the Spiderman musical "Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark." Directed by "Lion King" creative force Julie Tamor with music written by U2, the show has been causing tons of headlines from the moment it was announced that it was even going to be down since super hero plus singing almost never equals a good idea. But with Tamor at the helm of the show, you can't fault people thinking that it might work since she somehow was able to transform Disney's "The Lion King" animated film into a true artistic vision on the Broadway stage.

Which very much may be the same that happens with "Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark." You know, if like everybody is able to get out of the show alive.

Yule Blog: Christmas Songs Death Match

The holiday season is the time of year where people are supposed to come together for peace and joy across the land, which we find excruciatingly boring because we are terrible people and are OWNING THAT. Why come together when we can needlessly turn trivial things into competitions? It's the American way isn't it? How else do you explain almost every game show in existence like "Silent Library" on MTV, where the crux of the show is people having to stay silent in, you guessed it, a library. Or the game show "Minute to Win It," hosted by Food Network D-bag du jour Guy Fieri, which we think his abysmal hair deserves its own co-hosting title as it does probably more work than Guy does on the show, where people try to complete all sorts of mindless tasks within yet again you guessed it, a minute.

And think about it, flip through any gossip magazine or scroll through any fashion blog and you will see the red carpet turned into a fashion throwdown as fashion writers constantly do "WHO WORE IT BETTER" polls. And really? Let us be honest for a second. 80 percent of the time the poll shouldn't be called "WHO WORE IT BETTER" but instead "WHO LOOKED LESS A MESS" since so many of the things that make it to the red carpet are a DISASTUH because everybody nowadays is aiming for edgy and forgetting that edgy is just ugly with a bigger budget and better public relations.

Since we as a society just are simply fascinated with turning even the slightest thing into a knock down, drag out competitions, we here at the Majak Kingdom wondered why we shouldn't do that to Christmas tunes? Not all Christmas tunes are made equal, that's for sure, and since some songs most definitely seem to be perennial favorites, you might as well pit them against each other in a CAGE MATCH TO THE DEATH.

The Majak Mixtape - She's a Stupid Mix

Hey everybody!

We're back for yet another stunning, flawless, amazing, better than your favorite edition of The Majak Mixtape, where we add the soundtrack to life's most trivial moments the way that God intended. Today we take on one of the year's biggest trainwreck disasters this side of Denzel Washington's film "Unstoppable," which would actually be quite the apt name for this young lady's downward spiral from child actress star to teen queen to young adult wash-out. And no, we're not taking about Demi Lovato.

Which sidenote, can we talk about something just between you and us? Since we are ever so close and this totally won't leave this post? Let's. So the whole Demi Lovato thing keeps getting more and more batshit as everybody fights to see who can be the biggest asshole in this situation. You have Demi Lovato who went all cray cray and now is in rehab due to alleged self-harm issues, which has been the buzz of the blogs for months ever since she showed up to events with what looked like cuts on her arms. Her management hilariously tried to squash that rumor by saying the cuts were in fact marks from where she had been wearing rubberbands. We'll give them TWO SNAPS for creativity.

Then the dancer that Demi allegedly punched has been working to get her ka-ching because why the eff not we suppose. According to a report on RadarOnline, the terms of a deal have slowly been hammered out between the dancer and Demi Lovato as the dancer is asking for not only a monetary settlement but as well as an apology from Demi AND a donation to a charity of her choice. We suppose the last part is supposed to off-set any anger from Demi Lovato fans who are accusing the dancer of just being money-grubbing. Girl, don't even bother with that since those fans are nuts and have gone after "Twilight" actress Ashley Greene just for bearding, we mean DATING, Joe Jonas. Which Ashley, given how the past few girlfriends of Joe have gone slightly mental for a period (LOOKING AT YOU T-SWIFT AND YOUR TEN MILLION JOE JONAS BREAK-UP SONGS) and now Demi so all we're saying is:

Anyway, the trainwreck we're focusing on is, of course, Lindsay Lohan, who seems to be locked in some secret competition with Charlie Sheen to see which one of them can make more bad decisions in one year.

Which, sorry, another sidenote: Charlie Sheen. Somewhere Mel Gibson and Lohan are wondering if you're going to start teaching classes on how to never be damaged by scandal. Ever. If John Gotti was the Teflon Don, we're pretty sure Charlie Sheen's nickname would be the Teflon Douche. NOTHING EVER HURTS THIS MAN'S CAREER NOWADAYS. Note even allegedly going ape on some porn star escort in his hotel room.

 Seriously, at this point, we believe every time Sheen does a line of coke, an angel gets its wings, and therefore that's why "2 And a Half Men" remains the ratings juggernaut it is. Divine intervention is the only way to explain that shows continuing success. That and maybe the inordinate amount of old folks that probably fall asleep with their channels tuned to CBS.

Lindsay Lohan, or LiLo to her ever dwindling fan base, is currently sitting fugly behind the walls of the Betty Ford Clinic. And even safe and secure in a rehab place, Lohan and her Lohan brood are still able to make headlines because none of them have taken Regina George's advice to:

Yule Blog - Carol of the Basics

Oh Christmas music, one of the most divisive genres of music out there which is surprising due to all of the alleged good will and joy it is supposed to bring about for folks. In one corner, you have those people who simply adore every note, every chorus, every bridge of Christmas tunes. They usually start secretly playing it around Halloween time and then turn it up around Thanksgiving and then blow out their speakers the moment it's Black Friday. They thrill in all of the harmonies, find the abundance of sleigh bell noises to be the audio equivalent of a cashmere sweater wrapped around them and find the lyrics to be filled with a depth and earnestness sadly devoid in modern pop tunes.

In the other corner, there are the people who would gladly enjoy becoming deaf when the holiday season approaches. For them, Christmas music is music at its most nauseatingly twee, filled with empty sentiments, forced good cheer and lyrics that are mind-numbingly stupid. A segment of these people may have started out as Christmas music supporters but soon had all of that stomped out of them when they had the misfortune of working retail during the holiday season. For about a week, they probably were excited to hear their favorite Christmas tunes piping through the ceiling speakers of their workplace but soon it became like Chinese water tortue put to cheery music as songs endly repeat themselves day by day.

So these are sort of diametrically opposed groups right? Absent of any sort of common ground? Right. Wrong. Good Christmas music won't bring them together but god awful songs can raise the ire of even the most jolly. And trust us, there is a lot of crap Christmas music as every record company forces artists to put out albums to make a little chunk of change, every has-been/never-was cobbles together some tunes to make an album due to relative small expense since most traditional Christmas tunes are public domain at this point and every Disney/Nickelodeon star seemingly puts out a Christmas album in their short tenure of popularity before their respective company takes them somewhere in Kansas and shoots them when they get too noticeably old (we emphasize NOTICEABLY since the dude that play's Miley Cyrus' older brother on "Hannah Montana" is like somewhere between 30 and Shady Pines Retirement Home in age).

For us, we love all things tacky and terrible. I mean, we saw "Burlesque" AND "Sex and the City 2" in the theatres based simply on the fact that awfulness in that large and glittering proportions needs to be enjoyed a screen large enough to capture the full breadth of a trainwreck. In some ways, we enjoy a terrible Christmas tune more than a good one since so many, even of the best Christmas tunes, are dry as white toast. At least with a bad song, you can spend time marveling at all of the bad decision making that went into recording, producing and music video-ing these three to four minutes of self-respect-free audio brilliance.

So that is why we are devoting today's "Yule Blog" to the bad, the worse, and the truly basic when it comes to Christmas tunes. Let's get to it because we are ridiculously excited for this, expressed below in the following .gif:

The Majak Mixtape - New Tunes Tuesday

What is the what what, y'all! It's Tuesday and you know what that means? Another stunning, flawless, amazing, caterwauling better than your favorite, edition of New Tunes Tuesday. With Christmas just a scant few days away, the record industry continues to churn out albums in hopes of getting you to separate yourself from your hard earned funds. And we here at the Mixtape are here to help you sift through the good, the bad and the basic when it comes to new music.

Which before we get onto new music this week, can we just talk about the hot mess that has become Ciara's career? We touched upon this in last week's New Tunes Tuesday with the release of Ciara's fourth album "Basic Instinct." With sales of her album predicted to be somewhere in the truly abysmal range of 35,000 to 40,000 in its first week of sales, Ciara recently was interviewed by the Associated Press about her career and the importance of album sales which caused Ciara to give this hilariously delusional quotes:

AP: With your previous album not selling well, are you concerned about what type of numbers you put up for "Basic Instinct"?

Ciara: Selling records are becoming smaller fraction of branding and building a long-lasting career. You can sell a lot of records, but can you tour. You can sell records, but where does it go beyond that? That's a part of building a brand for yourself.

AP: So at this point of your career, going on tour has bigger precedence over album sales?

Ciara: Absolutely. If you can walk away from your career and are successful touring, you'll always be straight. Artists like Madonna have been doing it for years. She may put out one single, do a tour and gross over $200 million.

Yes, touring is where the bulk of artists make their money now, especially with lower album sales and people not writing a lot of their own material. But gurl, let's be honest. With the way you're going, you're going to be an opening act AT BEST and one needs hits for people to come to your concerts.

We will give Ciara credit for owning up to the fact that accusations by bloggers saying that she has gone Hollywood aren't necessarily untrue as she admits in the Associated Press interview she wants to make some of that "Hollywood money." Given the precarious position of her career, we assume "Hollywood money" is going to end up some corner on the Sunset Strip.

And coinciding with her admittance of having allegedly "gone Hollywood," which is always just code for urban bloggers who act like not acting fresh out the projects is somehow abandoning your values which SIDE-EYE to all of that, Ciara has said that she may be helping Kim Kardashian launch a music career of sorts. Because, you know, her own career is so stable right now that she can just dole out advice to everybody? Maybe? Anyway, Kim Kardashian's inevitable foray into pop star land, because who doesn't have at least a single out in order to do a few episodes of their reality show around, continues to prove how Kardashian is the more basic version of Paris Hilton. And to the few fans who think Kim Kardashian is a better, stronger version of Paris, we just have to say:

But enough talking about these tired heffas and let us move onto this week's edition of New Music Tuesday!

The Majak Mixtape - Mixtape That Soulja Boy

What is the what what y'all! Welcome to another stunning, flawless, amazing, mixtaping better than your favorite, edition of the Majak Mixtape. We'd like to start off this mixtape thanking our friends Emily and Nate for hosting a fantastic ugly sweater party/white elephant gift exchange last night. Even though you're supposed to get a really crap present, we thoroughly maintain that a "High School Musical" poster is actually one of the most awesome things we could've walked away from the festivities. Also, behold the greatest nativity scene ever from the party:

The three wise men include a Barbie ornament, Jafar and the Genie while the Virgin Jasmine, the baby Rajesus and Aladdin are away in the manger made entirely of pigs in the blanket. It's very moving, yes?

Anyway, we've got a lot to discuss so let's get down to the get down shall we? Of course.

So this was a history making weekend and we're not just referring to the history-breaking amount of times we heard the f-word use in a drinking game last night, as notable as that was, but instead we are talking about how the Senate voted to repeal the long-standing policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." In a vote of 65 to 31, the Senate, along with the House of Representatives who had voted on the matter earlier, struck down a policy that has been a cause celeb since coming about during Bill Clinton's presidency in the1990s.

Back in 1993, the whole thing was introduced as some sort of weird idea of a compromise since then-candidate Clinton had campaigned on wanting all people to be able to serve open and honestly. And nothing says openness quite like "DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL." It just screams transparency doesn't it?

Fast forward some 17 years and the debate over the matter was still raging strong, though the side opposing DADT had gained a lot of momentum in the intervening years as the pop culture as a whole became not so much tolerant (we personally hate the idea of "tolerance" since it implies putting up with, like how we tolerate the plotlines of "Glee" in order to get to the music numbers) as they were made more socially conscious as the 1990s saw things like Pedro Zamora on "The Real World," Ellen DeGeneres, "Will and Grace," "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy" and other programs populating the television screens. Though it's ridiculously simplistic to boil down the striking down of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" to the powers of Carson Kressley or the swishy goodness of Jack McFarland, but you have to admit that pop culture often has political ramifications.

Below, Jack McFarland closes the door on DADT.

Yule Blog: Hark! The Herald Angels Drink

Welcome to Yule Blog, the Majak Kingdom's special feature taking on all things about the holidays. The past three weeks we've taken on teen pop Christmas tunes, the hip hop community's attempts to honor the season and we decked the halls with balls of fierceness as we had a big gay Christmas celebration.

Oh the holiday season,

We here at the Majak Kingdom function under the chief belief that there is no better way to honor the divine birth of Our Lord and Savior than getting drunk on vodka and gorging on hors d'oeuvres all while dressed in an ugly sweater. Tis the magic of the holiday season where, in between celebrating the birth of Jesus, we also celebrate the death of any attempts at dieting, sobriety or chastity as we dash from one holiday function to the next all across the region with not the thoughts of sugar plum fairies dancing in our head but the fizz of champagne.

So being the fine guests we are, we want to help you host and hostesses out there throw the most flawless, stunning, amazing, more yuletide than your favorite's, kind of a holiday party with our own tips, tricks and rules for both surviving throwing the party as well as attending all of those various work, family and friend functions that can be just a minefield.

We, of course, are not going to do this alone and have sought at help from a bevy of fabulous women who are the hostesses with mostest. Roll up your sleeves and let's get to work.